Help

My job is the most stressful thing I've ever experienced and I used to work 18 hours a day 7 days a week to avoid coming home to my abusive ex. This is worse than that. I'm scared I'm becoming dependant on alcohol as a result. Also, my body is quitting on me. I use a cane regularly at age 24. I'm constantly sick. No doctor will take time and look and try to find what is wrong or even do any basic tests on me. Plus, because I can no longer get up and move like I used to, I'm putting on weight and it is bringing my anorexia back full-force.

Fuck life

Ugh, everything is shit. I hate this job. I hate the condition my house is in. I hate how fucking disrespectful my roommate is even though she can't even pay me the full amount of rent. I hate that I've fallen off the wagon about going to the gym. I hate the way my body looks. I hate everything.

Passed week

I've had zero motivation to get anything done. At all. I went to two concerts, though, so that was chill. Today, I finally did what I was trying to do all week and plant the vegetable plants I bought a week or two ago and started trying to switch the fish to the big tank so I could kill the pest snails in the little tank. I decided to try to make one out of perler beads, but Christ I'm trying to make something that is 17 inches by 12 inches and it's taking forever. I've worked on it for about eight hours and I'm still not done. Currently drinking wine in the tub. Gonna use the water to fill up the jugs to water the plants. You know it's bad if you can't find the motivation to take a bath for a week to water your damn plants that are going to feed you. You also know it's bad if you don't want to "waste" three gallons of water by getting it from the tap and using it for nothing but plants. I need to get some kind of rain water collection thing going so I can chill a little. Though, I always use Epsom salt for my baths and that is fucking bomb for plants 👍

I started on the counter at work this week. I am still super nervous, even though I seem to be doing okay. I'm not confident in my knowledge of what I'm doing at all.

Eric came over Saturday and we had wine and ate 80 pizza rolls while watching blue mountain state. It was the best night I've had in a long, long time. I hope he doesn't realize I'm a garbage person and keeps wanting to date me.

One thing I'm not super happy about this week is that I was trying on clothes for the concert (an edm show) and nothing fit or looked good =[ I was feeling really confident earlier that day because my stomach looked flatter and I had lost three pounds. Then, I tried on my crop tops for the show and they all hit where my hips started and looked gross. I had tonwear jeans because none of my shorts fit. I've gained 30 pounds in a year and I hate it so much. I've been going to the gym and I see nearly no results other than my legs look fucking awesome for some reason. I'm not even really working them out much. God forbid if my arms would be toned enough for me to look passed that they don't fit into any of my shirts. They aren't even fat, just muscular. Not that you can tell 😔 God forbid that I lose some fat on my belly or hips, even though I've been working them non-stop. I know I'm not fat, but this transition to average from super tiny is not going well for my body dysmorphia, my confidence, my self-image, or my wallet.

Sorry I'm boring and whiny. Thanks for listening, tho.

-Ashley

Wednesday, March 28 11:33 pm

Laying on the couch with Bisky taking up the room between my knees waiting for the washer to be done so I can switch the laundry over and go to sleep. Today was my first day on the phones at work. It's extremely stressful, even though everyone has been nice so far. I've not had a free night since I started this job a month ago because I'm either hanging out with Eric or Andrew most nights. I can't stay awake because I never have time to just relax. Eric and I had a movie night last night and I fell asleep in the middle. I've also been super sick all week, so that's taking a lot out of me as well. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night.

When I got home from work today, Andrew came over and we did Pokemon go, even though all I wanted to do was sleep. Then, we got back and I took a nap while Andy snuggled the babies and watched Hulu. He woke me up at 8:30 and left so I wouldn't miss the gym with Eric at 9:00. Went to the gym with Eric and just walked on the treadmill while he ran next to me. I hit 15,000 steps today, so at least there's that. I'm beyond exhausted. I hope my stomach does better tomorrow so maybe I can have some energy.

On top of all the stress from the phones at work, I couldn't eat anything due to being so nauseous. I had a salad at lunch just to get something into my stomach. At leastaybe this will help me lose a couple pounds. I've been working out and eating better since January and I've only gained weight. I know it's muscle mass, but Jesus, I've put on 30 lbs since last year. I hate it. My legs look great, though, and my stomach is finally starting to look better. I need to figure out how to burn fat without putting on a lot of muscle. I'm not trying to body build here, I just want my pants to fit.

The washer is finally done. I need to go to sleep. Good night and hopefully I'll have time to post again soon.

March 22, 2018

Today is okay so far. I'm fucking exhausted for no damn reason. I skipped the gym last night in favor of falling asleep at 7pm and waking up two hours later dazed and confused. Slept okay, but not for long enough. Andrew spend the night to get away from his house for a bit, so I didn't have the bed to myself. No, I'm not dating/seeing Andrew. Had to be quiet when I woke up so I didn't wake him up.

Post No. 1

Hi! My name is Ashley. I've decided to start journaling and thought this would be the easiest way to have one. If you want to see all the stupid shit I reblog, go to Tvviggz.tumblr.com