after inputting some complex algorithms into my super computer i’ve determined what tumblr will look like in the year 2020

i love how this comes back after every shitty update staff makes

gonna start making snopes-style responses to urban legends about tumblr

"this how we lost post editing and it was still worth it"

❌ False

The John Green Cock Monologue, while one of the most egregious examples of post editing, was not why the ability to edit posts was taken away. This feature was removed because scammers would edit posts with huge note counts to try to make their scams look legit.

"those are his hooves, bitch."

✅ True

Those are his hooves, bitch.

pasta expands and spinach shrinks. if we could have them mate we may be able to creayte a food which does not change at all when cooked

we could go back to telegraphs instead of social media. send your mutuals unspeakable strings of morse code at 4:30am

.- …. …. …. …. …. / ..-. . .-.. .-.. / -.. --- .-- -. / .- -. -.. / -… .-. --- -.- . / -- -.-- / .--. . -. .. - … / - --- -.. .- -.-- / -.-- . --- .-- -.-. …. / --- ..- -.-. …. / -.-- --- ..- -.-. …. -.-.-- -.-.-- -.-.-- -.-.-- / … . -. - / ..-. .-. --- -- / -- -.-- / - . .-.. . --. .-. .- .--. ….

personally i prefer semaphore

so prefacing this with the fact that I know that the fun is sorta taken out of this by me translating, but not everyone will have the energy to look it up themselves, so I figured I'd help out.

Morse code: AEEEEE FELL DOWN AND TROKE MY PENIT TODAY YEOWCE OUCH YOUCH!!!! SENT FROM MY TELEGRAPH

Semaphore: NO NOT YOUR PENITS

Yesterday, I was helping my friends sell art in the park, when a couple of girls came up to us and asked (immediately regretting it) “is this the transfem picnic?……..” to which we got to respond “no this is the transmasc yard sale.” We then proceeded to have 15-20+ beautiful women swarm our stand of 4 creatures. Life is beautiful.

i’m at the transmasc yard sale

i’m at the transfem picnic

i’m at the combination transmasc yard sale transfem picnic

love how Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt fucked so hard that everyone was just like “ok that’s his song now”

that everyone includes trent reznor

I STEPPED OUTSIDE OF THE FRONT DOOR OF MY OWN HOME ONLY TO FIND THE DEER THAT TRIED TO KICK MY ASS LAST YEAR STANDING RIGHT THERE IN MY FRONT YARD. BOLD AS BRASS.

AM I NOT SAFE ANYWHERE ANYMORE

for those of you who were not here last year: this deer is the most obnoxious, unnatural red-orange color I’ve ever seen, only appears when it’s raining, and once chased me a quarter mile through the woods. her name is Hot Cheeto Hatred and she is my nemesis

dude, i think that’s a fairy

hm. thats not right

The only visible text being "Hey guys we noticed every other web(site) failing. We really wanted to throw our ha(t in)" REALLY adds to this post

what farming items in mmorpgs has taught me: i used to think using ice trays to make ice cubes was free but after thinking about it i have to pay the electric bill to power the freezer so every moment that i’m not freezing new trays of ice cubes is a moment that i’m underutilizing the freezer and increasing the cost of ice cubes. i have to constantly swap out ice trays for new ice cubes on an hourly rotation on a 24 hour basis or else i won’t produce the maximum amount of ice cubes possible and will underutilize the full potential of my electric bill. i need to stop using all other appliances and utilities in my home to make more ice cubes

I do wholeheartedly believe Wes Anderson is a sick sick freak. I like his movies but I definitely think this guy has like a hidden room in his spacious french apartment that he slips into quietly each night and it is just filled with tiny little doll replicas of all the actors he's ever used in any of his movies and he puppets them around and mimicks their voices and shit. and sometimes he'll text Owen Wilson pictures of his little doll with a comb or something from an untraceable number and pair it with like "see how I take care of you Owen?" and then the following day Owen Wilson will find him at the service table and go, "Geez Wes look at this," and Wes will pretend to be all concerned and horrified but there is this calculating almost eager look in his eyes that unsettles Owen Wilson. and the next time Wes is having a little soiree with all his actors, his beloved beloved actors, maybe Owen Wilson will accidentally get lost on his way to the beautiful bathroom and find that little room and see all those dolls and his throat will hitch with horror. And before he can call Bill Murray or Adrian Brody to look a dark silhouette will appear in the doorway and Wes looks sort of resigned when he says, "I see you finally found my secret, Owen," and Owen Wilson will try and pretend that he's fine with it but they both know better. and Wes will go (the look in his eyes back again) "We both know this can't get out, right?" and he'll grin very suddenly and Owen Wilson will laugh along very nervously and leave the room and eat some brioche and when the evening is over he will rush over to his Prius and frantically click his keys but over the cobbles on the beautiful beautiful street there is the sound of footsteps. and tears are running down Owen Wilson's cheeks but he can't say a word and Wes, emerging from the shadows, will gently touch him on the shoulder and say, "look, I'll drive you to the airport, huh?" and Owen Wilson will try to refuse but they both know it's futile. and, halfway through the drive, Wes Anderson will smile and say, "I'll miss working with you" and then perfectly jump and roll out of the car, wiping off his corduroy pants, while Owen Wilson's Prius swerves into a local patisserie, bursting into flames

I could never leave this site

i watched the bear and now i wash dishes like there's a sous chef behind me telling me to kill myself

camping trip RP happening in the tags

winona ryder’s character in stranger things has never been wrong even once and every time the fucking gravity turns off or whatever she says “hey thats weird right” and everyone in a 10 mile radius is like “woah category five woman moment incoming”

Squidward only ever makes artwork based off his visage, it's all very surface level and lacks any emotional depth

Squidward should start making artwork based on how Squidward feels and not how Squidward looks yknow? I feel like he's experimented plenty with self portraits, but none of them really say much about Squidward as a person yknow

got drunk last night and got really emotional over Squidward's potential and how much he holds himself back

Crab Day

okay, so here's a new info post from the top.

the problem: tumblr is extremely extremely in debt. the current model is not profitable. this is why they are trying to turn the site into a shit clone of every other social media site, so they can attract new users and their money.

solution: not a ton of people can afford a long-term subscriptions like ad-free. however, many of us CAN afford $3 to inflict crabs on another unsuspecting user. (and those that can't, can still enjoy crabs everywhere)

the idea: in the grand traditions of mishapocalypses and goncharovs and tumblr users' obsession with [random inconsequential thing] Days, we create a fund drive/holiday on July 29th, dubbed Crab Day. buy your friends crabs. buy your enemies crabs. blaze posts. post memes. change ur icon. whatever. actually put your money where your mouth is and show @staff that there actually IS profit motive to listen to the current users about what we want this site to look like. (and yes, that means accessibility features too. we currently have zero leverage to demand these features. let's change that.)

i don't know if this will actually go anywhere. worst case scenario, a few of us have fun, tumblr gets a small amount of money, and nothing changes. best case though, we actually provide incentive to keep our stupid hellsite unique.

All these people on this website are so cool and diverse I love being here but I wish I could meet you all in person

There should be a tumblr convention

What a fun idea! There could even be an indoor playground... Maybe with a ball pit or something.....

Time is a circle we are always doomed to repeat it whether we learn the error of our ways or not

I mean, the world is set on a course to repeat things much worse than dashcon anyway, so we might as well

If dashcon 2024 is the light in the darkness of this harsh world. Then we are surly headed down a grim path

dashcon 2024 is a beacon of hope in our dark, hopeless reality. unfortunately that beacon belongs to an anglerfish

I swear to god if this post breaches containment and inadvertently unleashes the fresh hell that is dashcon 2024 upon us. It will be the end of days

fuck yeah daschon 2024!!!!!!!!!!

Don't call it dashcon 2024, call it dashcon 2015. It's important.

If this post reaches 100,000 notes, OP *has* to organize a Tumblr con! Let's get it up there!

I’m 19 and I do not have the money or time to do such a thing

Yes, that will make it Authentic!

obsessed

she knocked that smug look off my face but luckily i was wearing a second, smaller smug look underneath