to not feel safe or secure in this relationship feels like im a squatter sitting outside the house they once felt at home in. It’s like sometimes i get to come inside to the warm heat, have the soft carpet against my feet as i wonder around with the aroma of intimacy in the air. Then before you know it.. i end up back in the piercing cold, only able to peer through the window where all my false hopes live and second chances feast upon expectations that were never met. I hate being out here, waiting to be invited in. Sometimes i go inside when no one is home and just sit wishing the possibilities of you coming inside excited to see me there, would come true. But of course i leave before the empty kisses and monotone small talk get home. I know i can go in the house when i please.. but i feel alone and even more cold than being outside sometimes. Sometimes I walk down the street and look at all the houses that sit perched in almost the same way as the house i spend so much time in front of does. There are some houses that are occupied with love, some that are proudly for sale awaiting their next vacancy, some that are run-down, and others that are still being renovated. Sometimes i will see squatters like me waiting outside, or some that even locked themselves out.. and i always wonder why don’t they just go find another house?! But once i see the look in their faces as they wait outside i can’t help but feel the same pain.
There was a time when i was always in the house living like the rest of the fortunate. I used to feel so much love and lounge on the trustworthiness we prematurely built. One day I didn’t see you in the house for a while..i started to wonder if you got lost or caught up at work again but i thought nothing of it once the reassuring thoughts reminded you always come home to me. I decided to go on a walk just because. I walked for longer than usual because i was enjoying seeing all the happy homes. I decided to go into a neighborhood i never walked through but often was curious about. I turned down an unfamiliar street where i got an ominous feeling, but i kept venturing into this unknown neighborhood with houses that were beautiful. Right before i saw you.. squatting outside of a house. I tried to turn around and run back home before you saw me but you came to me with so much anger, heartbreak and despair. Before i saw you squatting outside of a house i always judged people for doing it but with you.. i wanted to help you and heal you. I wanted to give you a home full of happiness and fun. I wanted you to feel the security of a home that would never have the heat turned off, one where the lights would always be on with a table that always had a seat for you. I always tried my best to keep the rooms cleaned and the fridge full.. but for some reason you would always disappear. I used to follow your footsteps when you’d go missing but i didn’t need a trail to find you standing outside of that same house. One time I saw you were talking to someone at the door.. and another time i saw you stepping out of the house with tears running down your face. I always wondered what drew you to a house that didn’t want your presence the way our house did. Ever since then i have constantly been on the outside looking in just as you were when i caught you..
Now i know why you did it.
