I just wanna s*** some d***

HOW MANY DOGS ARE YOU LOOKING TO SELL

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. 

I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” 

and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000.” 

I need to be the hottest person at the grocery store

This perfectly captures my ridiculous inner monologue that revolves around impressing other people in the most oblique ways

If you’re an adult, do the stuff you couldn’t as a kid.

Like, me and my sister went to a museum, and they had an extra exhibit of butterflies. But it cost £3. So we sighed, walked past, then stopped. We each had £3. We could see the butterflies. And we did it was great. We followed it up with an ice-cream as well because Mum and Dad weren’t there to say no.

I was driving back from a work trip with 2 other people in their early 20s, and we drove past a MacDonalds. One of the others went “Aww man, I’d love a McFlurry.” And the guy driving pulled in to the drive through. It was wild. But it was great.

I went to a park over the weekend and I was thinking “Man, I’d love to hire one of those bikes and cycle round the park.” It took me a few minutes to go “Wait, I can hire one of those bikes!”

I guess what I’m saying is, those impulsive things you wanted to do as a kid - see the dinosaur exhibit, play in the fountains with the other kids, lie in the shade for 2 hours - you can do when you’re an adult. You have to deal with a whole lot of other bull, but at least you can indulge your inner 8 year-old.

not being really overweight but not being thin is a weird place because you never look quite as good as your friends and you’re in that spot that everyone tells you “you’re not fat!” but doesn’t want to say you’re thin and no matter if your weight shifts you always sort of look the same to yourself and in some situations you can hide your appearance but in others its alarmingly obvious, and buying clothes is like a luck of the draw as to if you’ll look thin or huge because it feels like there isn’t an in between 

brain: u gotta be… The Best™

me: ok so we’ll work hard then?

brain: no work… only Best.

When you start giving them the same energy they’ve been giving you and now they mad

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can we just take a moment to appreciate pugs

I mean c’mon look at these cute

stupid ass

lil mother truckers

I want 50

THIS IS UPSETTING

I will never share these.

Pass these around to make sure everyone knows which ones not to pass around

Under no circumstances reblog this. It is forbidden.

Oops fingers slipped!

I’ve never identified with something more than this

He’s gonna be a mighty king and he’s working on that roar.

Oh my GOOOOOD

IM CRYING

i’ve literally been all three of them at one time or another

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

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