CHAPTER 13 - The Survivor and the Healer
Trapped in a swirling void of dizziness and nausea, Lotus’ hand fumbled for a firm surface to steady herself. Even with her eyes closed, the world continued to zoom in and out as if she were swaying, despite her body being laid flat on the couch. The disorienting effect continued to twist and unsettle her stomach, which only worsened her worries.
Don’t throw up. Not again. DON’T DO IT.
Panic ignited in the pit of her nausea, as she realized she was running out of time. In a final act of desperation, she reached further down to the floor, her fingers quickly finding purchase on the soft carpet. Her shoulders slowly relaxed as she pressed as much weight as she could down onto her hand. Compared to the cushions of the couch, the tile below the fluffy fabric remained steadfast and unbending; The perfect anchor.
She continued to press down onto her fingers as her vertiginous world finally began to slow and straighten. Faded and echoed instructions to breathe through her nose and out through her mouth fluttered into her mind, and she followed them to the letter. The voice that spoke was soft and warm, and Lotus knew deep inside that she could trust it.
Despite her arm beginning to shake under the pressure and the bruises on her wrists making their presence known, she continued to push down onto the ground. As she listed in her mind all the different textures, the soft fibres with bumpy clots of cement underneath, she remembered another soothing voice which wasn’t nearly as faded. It had gently told her to use her various senses to bring her out of her nightmares: smell, hearing, and touch.
The reminder of his name painted his face into her mind; His black-rimmed glasses only accentuated his heterochromatic irises. Freckles decorated the sides of his face and shoulders, with the color purple tying his whole look together with the hued mask he wore. Despite his tone being of higher pitch and a bit scratchy if he got passionate, he had still spoken to her with the same warmth as the faded voice of her memories. The cold-hard facts he had stated to her were successful in saving her from her nightmares, and even now she was using his tactics to ground herself again.
At least what he said was true.
The mighty clutches of dizziness and nausea finally released their hold as her body flopped fully into the cushions. With the slow return of a steady world, she just laid there in silence, relishing in the fact that it didn’t feel like she was thrown into a tornado anymore. Her hand remained pressed onto the ground as her heart continued to steady its rhythm.
Peace never lasts. She thought bitterly, remembering the days in the lab that just never seemed to end, being dragged from operations to examination tables in a blurry flash of exhaustion.
She was grateful for their help, she really was… But at that very moment in time all she wanted to do was lie in peace. So much for dreams. She let out a strained groan of acknowledgement as a warm hand was gently placed on her forehead.
“Hey… You doing better now?” Leonardo asked, concern clear in his tone as he brushed his hand back and forth on her head. “Are you still dizzy?”
“No… I’m fine.” Lotus mumbled with her eyes remaining shut as she waved her hand flippantly.
Please go away. Leave me to my darkness, thank you.
“Oh. Well, that’s good.” Leo spoke with cautious optimism peeking through each word. “Think you can try to eat something?”
Lotus didn’t need to assess her body’s condition as she groaned a clear “NOPE.” She may be feeling better now, but that never stopped her stomach from rebelling against her in the past. Better play it safe than… really sorry.
The warm palm laying atop her head slid off, and she mentally reprimanded herself when her body’s first response was to let out a whimper for the comfort to return. She’d never had anything like that, and as such, she couldn’t begin to rely on it now. When the only constant in your life is suffering, it’s a wise choice to never rely on the hope that things will change. It will save you a lot of time that way.
… And maybe a little of what’s left of your heart.
Lotus’ thoughts were cut off by Leo clearing his throat.
“Hey, you with me?” He asked, as she felt the slight wind of his hand waving back and forth in front of her face.
She hummed, contemplating if it would be safe to open her eyes now, wary of the possible re-entry into that horrible world of blurs and swirls. Her hand remained planted onto the ground, so she had hope that it wouldn’t be the case… With reluctance she steeled herself as she slowly opened her eyes. Immediately squinting, her gaze met with the reflective surface of the ceiling. Before her eyes began to sting, Leo’s body leaned over her head, blessing her poor pupils with a cool shadow to rest under.
“Haha, let’sss not blind you, okay?” Leo shyly chuckled as he used his shadow on Lotus to pinpoint where he needed to stand to shield her from the light in the room. “There we go. You good?”
“Yeah… Thank you.” Lotus sighed, as the threat of dizziness was relinquished and her hand finally went slack against the fabric-covered tile.
“Now that you’re doing better, I’m going to help you to the Medbay so we can figure some things out.” Leo spoke as he extended his hand to her.
Time tripped and staggered as Lotus’ mind sprinted into the expectant claws of fear. She recalled Leo stating earlier that he was going to begin running tests on her that day. The dread that filled her then cascaded over her now.
No. I’m not ready. I can’t. I CAN’T. Not again- NOT AGAIN, PLEASE.
Dismissing the looming threat of a relapse of dizziness, Lotus’ body shot upright as her hands found their perch on her biceps. She forcefully squeezed her shoulders against her torso to keep them from shaking as badly as they were, but nothing could cover up how the rest of her body was trembling.
Unwanted memories flashed behind her quivering irises, warning her of the antiseptic, knives, and needles that awaited her in that dreaded room.
“N-no.” She wheezed, trying and failing to keep in a single breath.
Leo’s face instantly fell as he watched her continue to plunge deeper into panic. “U-UH I mean- Um- Don’t worry! It’ll just be a check up!” He stuttered as he shook his hands back and forth in a feeble attempt to calm Lotus down. Before he said another word, Lotus watched as he took a long breath of his own, raising his hands as he inhaled, and lowering them as he exhaled. Then he tried again, his voice still wobbling, but his words beginning to steady.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Lotus. This check up will just help me figure out a plan on how to resume your recovery. I’ll explain everything I’m doing before I do it. That way you can decide if you’re ready, or if we need to take a break.”
Lotus’ mind paused, though her fear remained to move at a steady speed. Out of all the assuring words that flowed through Leo, one in particular stood out to her, making the crashing waves of panic freeze in place.
The doctors never asked her if what they were doing was okay. There was never a need since they didn’t even know she could speak. The warm, soft voice of her past had instructed her to hold her tongue or else things would get worse, so she remained silent- A thing rather than a person.
A subject rather than a soul.
Another detail that caught her attention was how Leo had phrased the sentence. “... That way you can decide if you’re ready, or if we need to take a break.” Leo never said if she wasn’t ready he wouldn’t do the procedure she had “decided” against. He would still force her through it, simply adding a little bit of time beforehand. Sure, it was more than the doctors at the lab had ever done for her, allowing her a chance to prepare before the suffering began, but how Leo had cunningly slipped a second meaning into his words didn’t sit well in Lotus’ fearful heart.
Her suspicions of the eldest’ intentions added to the growing shadow within her.
She tried her luck, attempting her so-called “decision” in the matter.
“Can… can we not?” She whispered, trying to hide the whimper at the edge of her throat.
A pitying frown pulled down on Leo’s face, his crystal irises glimmering with a silent apology. “I’m sorry, Lotus… It has to be done one way or the other.” The soothing wisps of his voice attempted to soften the blow of his words. “I’ll try to go as fast as I can, if that helps.”
It doesn’t. Because you’re still going to do it.
Lotus’s expression constricted into a tight grimace. She really didn’t have a say in this.
Nothing’s changed. Shocker.
“Like I said,” Leo started again, noticing Lotus’ unwillingness, “This will merely be a check up. I can tell you everything that I’ll do right now if you want. Will that… help?” He asked, tilting his head and raising his shoulders. His eyes still glittered with that gentleness that Lotus had seen before, and it encouraged her to try trusting him again.
Rebelling against the lessons of her memories, she gave him another chance.
“F-Fine…” She squeaked pitifully. “What… what are you going to do?”
Leo’s nervous energy dissipated the smallest bit at Lotus’ reluctant agreement.
“What we’ll do,” He started, bringing his hands together in a silent, soft clap, "is begin with simple measurements. I’ll check your height and weight. Then after that, I’ll take your blood pressure and temperature. I’m guessing your readings will be the same as ours, but I want to make sure.” He said, with a light smile warming his face, most likely to soothe Lotus’ growing nerves of her “decision”. He paused and raised his brows at Lotus making sure she was following his train of thought, to which she replied by nodding in understanding.
He nodded with a hum and continued. “After all that, I’ll carefully poke and press your body to make sure you have no other injuries.” At the sight of Lotus’s head subtly retreating into her shell, Leo frantically corrected himself. “UH- By “poke” I mean with my hands.” He emphasized by holding his palms out. “No… Uh… No needles.”
Lotus couldn’t help but deflate like a lethargic balloon at the sound of such good news, the electric air of anxiety finally being released from her tense form.
Leo’s body shifted uncomfortably as his eyes regained that apologetic look that Lotus both loved and hated. “W-Well, that is…” He rubbed at the back of his head guiltily. “...No needles until I do your bloodwork.”
S@#%*! Lotus hissed inside her head as her nerves shot right back up.
“But I’ll be gentle and slow!” Leo attempted to placate her, holding out his hands in a calming motion. “I can’t say you won’t feel anything, but I can say I’ll do my best to make it as painless as possible.”
Lotus didn’t try to hold back the distrustful glare she shot at him, forcing him to revisit alongside her how wrong he had been the last time they were both trapped in that room. He didn’t have the deep ache of the incision as a reminder of the surgery gone wrong, so she had to help him reach the memory with her words and expressions. She could tell it worked as his gaze fell to the floor in shame.
“I…I didn’t know what I was doing yesterday… I had never performed a surgery like that.” He spoke in a strained whisper. And for a moment, Lotus watched as the leader and medic before her cowered and shrank into a teenage boy. Then his eyes met hers, shining with determination. His shoulders straightened as he rose to his proper height, rolling off the youthful insecurities and making way for competency and honor. “I won’t make the same mistake twice, Lotus.”
Leo’s expression softened as he smiled again, awkward but kind. “I actually know how to do check ups. I do them all the time for my family. You should see how often Mikey injures himself- I swear he’s allergic to helmets and knee pads…” He let out an exasperated sigh through his grin.
Lotus’ expression softened too, but the skepticism remained in her scrutinizing gaze. Hearing Leo’s done this many times helped calm her racing nerves a little bit. Sort of. Her anxiety still screamed for her to run and not look back; To take this chance to escape. But her tired heart and body remained where they were.
Leo hadn’t forced her into the Medbay. He didn’t scoop her up and hold her down as he performed unspeakable experiments on her.
He waited… and listened. He asked how he could make things better for her. He gave her something she had never had before; He let her decide for herself how she wanted to be treated. She wasn’t a subject to him. She was a person.
With a sigh of resignation, Lotus nodded. “Okay. Let’s…”
You’re making a MISTAKE. A fearful voice cried out inside her mind.
She chose- decided- not to listen.
“Let’s go…” She mumbled under her breath as she began to push herself off the cushions. Each subtle movement of her legs or arms pulsed with a deep ache as if she were wading through a sea of molasses. Her anxieties continued to scream their song, but she did her best to block it out, forcing her doubts back into the shadows.
Leo smiled gratefully as his shoulders went slack. A calm sigh left his nostrils and his eyes slid closed for a moment. The peace proved temporary, though, as Lotus let out a strained yelp when she tried to move her recovering leg.
“-Ah shoot!” Leo sympathetically winced. “Maybe I should carry y-”
“NO.” Lotus all but screamed, not wanting to relive that sensory hell. “We’ll walk. I’m fine.”
Leo’s face twisted in contemplation, clearly not convinced that she could stand or walk that long. “Mmmm…” He hummed indecisively. “Fine. But you need to let me help you.” He said with a tone that was both gentle and firm. Lotus recalled his younger siblings calling it his “leader voice”; Somehow he made it soft enough to bring assurance, but iron enough to eliminate any chance of argument.
Lotus rolled her eyes as she raised her arms like a toddler wanting to be picked up. Leo couldn’t help but snicker at the unamused look on her face as he grabbed under her arms and hoisted her off the cushion. He made sure to move slowly, being wary of Lotus’ fragile constitution, and had all his senses on alert for any discomfort she might feel. Besides a few groans and another single yelp, she didn’t make a sound as her feet planted themselves on the floor.
“Okay, just lean on me.” Leo said as he held out his hand.
You’re making a MISTAKE! The wounded voice desperately cried out again.
Lotus huffed with growing anxiety as her grip met Leo’s. Her heart began to pulse painfully in her chest as her mind raced. After some slow, calculated movements, she stood.
“Good job, Lo!” Leo tenderly congratulated his patient, as they started their “long” trek to the Medbay.
Hearing someone congratulate her for doing something as simple as standing pulled Lotus’ focused frown deeper. And what was with that nickname? Didn’t the orange one- uh- Mikey, call me that earlier? Didn’t I make it clear that I don’t like it??
But…”Lo” will always be better than “Subject 19”.
Lotus simply let out another huff of exertion as her answer, putting all her focus on staying upright and reaching the dreaded room. It must’ve taken them around three minutes, but oh, did it seem like more when every step promised to be a mistake. Along the way Leo had checked on her, asking if she was tired or needed a break, but she remained stubborn, giving a curt gesture with her head to keep going.
Finally, they reached their destination, and every nerve present in Lotus’ body began SCREECHING.
“You did great!” Leo encouraged her with another confidence-boosting smile. “Now let’s get you to the table.” He said, as he began leading her trembling form to the center of the room where her suffering would begin all over again.
It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m fine. I’m good. It’s good.
The icy touch of the metal forced a small gasp to leave her as Leo helped her to sit down onto the examination table. Ghostly echoes of her screams rang through her mind, causing every *clink* and *thud* of the cabinet doors to send her nerves into a whole other stratosphere.
“I’m not there. I’m here. I’m… s-safe.” She whispered to herself as she watched Leo begin retrieving everything he needed for the exam. She recognized every instrument the eldest brought out, seeing how they were all common in a medical-based profession. And she knew- she knew that none of them would hurt. But that didn’t stop her memories from trying to drown out reality with shadows of scalpels, saws, and chains.
“Alright, I think I have everything I need now.” Leo announced mostly to himself, looking over all his supplies one more time before beginning the exam.
Lotus’ fingers constricted onto the rim of the table.
I can do this. I… can do this.
True to his word, Leo explained every single procedure with as many details as Lotus requested throughout the check up. With a concerned expression he would ask if anything hurt, or if they needed to take a break soon. Each time, despite if it were true or not, Lotus would shake her head and tell him to get it over with.
Things were going okay until Leo had to take her blood pressure. As the eldest went to retrieve the special cuff, Lotus’ body tensed. When it came to something as simple as a check up, it was very rare that an instrument hurt. But there was always that stupid cuff that would squeeze really hard, and make her skin sting with the tightening pressure. It also didn’t help that the vice-like grip of the cuff reminded her all too much of the bands and belts that would hold her in place when she moved too much back at the labs.
“Lotus? You with me?” Leo asked, jolting her out of her memories and bringing her back to the living nightmare she was experiencing.
“Y-Yeah. I’m good. Go ahe.. Ahead.” She wheezed. Apparently she had been holding her breath that whole time. Whoops.
With a cautious frown Leo nodded, still unconvinced but trusting that Lotus knew what she was talking about. “Okay…”
Lotus took a breath with the same strength as a newborn foal. She could feel the building gait of her heart galloping loudly in her ears, nearly drowning out the murkiness of her dark memories. The shuttered inhale popped into a squeak when the cuff was wrapped around her arm. I’m not there, I’m here. I’m not there, I’m here. She repeated to herself as some sorry excuse for a calming mantra. Air started inflating the band as if it were being sucked from her own lungs. The growing pressure built, as she knew it would,and the discomfort began. The recognizable sting of tightness spread over her arm, and she forced another breath.
“Lotus, you alright??” Leo’s surprised voice questioned just as the pressure around his patient’s arm had reached its limit. He sounded confused. Lotus simply shook her head and winced tightly. After her answer the cuff was quickly removed with swift, focused hands.
”Does your arm hurt? What’s wrong? Talk to me!” He frantically asked in a blur of questions to Lotus’ ears.
“I-I’m fine. Just… Just don’t like it.” She gasped for breath as the restrictive band was hastily removed from her sight. Leo’s inquisitive gaze glided down on her, pushing her to give more of an explanation. With a sigh she gave in, instinctively rubbing her bruised wrist as her eyes disconnected from Leo’s. “It felt like… when they held me down… back there.”
The eldest brother’s eyes widened as he registered what she said, a silent gasp ghosting past his open lips. “I’m… I’m sorry.” His voice was drenched with sympathy as his eyes lowered to the scuffed tiles below.
Silence surrounded the two, still and stale. The air didn’t carry the stench of awkwardness but rather the weight of grief. As if two souls, a survivor and a healer, had met from separate battles and shared their stories. The emptiness of sound simply made way for their burdens to be told.
“Is it alright if we keep going?” Leo finally asked with the gentleness of a mother bird’s song.
Lotus shivered from the cold of the metal beneath her. Her heart’s pace slowed as she sighed.
Keep going. You can do it. Just get it over with.
“Y-yeah.” She gulped, forcing down more thoughts, more fears, and more memories.
About halfway through, Leo tried chatting with her, asking her how she slept and if her stomach was feeling better. She recognized his attempt at distraction for what was looming ahead, but was grateful nonetheless. When her anxiety wasn’t sealing her throat shut, she would answer with small, simple sentences; Enough communication to reply, without forcing her to talk for too long and risk her nausea returning. For a while, it really began to help. She could feel her body loosening as their conversation continued, keeping her mind busy as Leo finished another procedure that didn’t hurt at all.
Leo tapped his mechanical pencil against his cheek as he read through all his notes on Lotus’ measurements.
“For the most part, your readings appear to be the same as ours. Obviously, your weight is much lower than a bunch of teenage boys, but your temp and overall body structure appear to be the same. You have a ways to go with getting a healthier diet, but we’ll deal with that one day at a time.” He said confidently, probably hoping some of his optimism would rub off on his nervous patient.
“Okay.” Lotus nodded, absorbing the information. She had never heard her own medical readings before, so getting them explained to her by someone who actually cared was… nice.
And then that same guilty look appeared on Leonardo’s face, causing both her stomach and hopes to plummet.
“Alright… Um… Just have the blood test left and then we’ll be done for today.” Leo shrugged as he turned to pull open drawers of a nearby cabinet. As much as he had tried to keep his words nonchalant, Lotus still caught the minimal tremors and worry laced within his tone.
Okay- Just a blood test. It’s fine. One poke. Just one. Then you’re done. That’s it. Then you can go back to bed and pretend this never happened.
“Which…uh, which arm do you want me to use?” Leo asked nervously as he held the empty syringe and vial in one hand and a pair of gloves in the other.
The question didn’t even register when Lotus’ gaze snapped to the tip of the needle. The smell of latex gloves flooded her senses and made her want to gag, as her fingers found their new home plunged deep into the rim of the table beneath her. Her lavender irises shrank as her eyes widened, and breathing suddenly became as difficult as forcing a sneeze.
It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s FINE.
Leo must’ve noticed his mistake, going by the fact that the needle was now safely hidden behind his back, away from Lotus’ view. A nervous laugh escaped his sheepish smile.
“Ahaha- I am so sorry. Uh, How about you just close your eyes and I’ll just pick an arm?” He spoke with counterfeit confidence that rivaled the genuineness of his grin.
“MMmmmm.” Lotus ground out through clenched teeth and an anxiety-sealed mouth. She could do this. Leo’s been great this whole time, so why would he only fail now? It won’t happen again. It won’t.
“It’s okay. You’ve done a brilliant job so far.” Leo warmly spoke as he pulled on his gloves. Lotus knew he caught how she flinched badly at the latex’s snap. His face fell, nearly in defeat with how many different things he had done so far that triggered her. Each was an accident, but that didn’t take away the fact that it was his fault each time. “Just close your eyes and try to think of things that are true.” He softly instructed.
Lotus’ eyes remained the size of tea cup saucers as she quickly recited, “I’m here in this room that scares me and I hate every waking second of it- You’re holding a needle that’s about to be inserted into my skin, drawing out my blood, and it’s going to hurt- I’m… REALLY SCARED-”
“-LOTUS, not like that!” Leo gently reprimanded with a bit more volume, once again hiding the needle and keeping it just below the exam table. “True things that won’t freak you out. Like- you're breathing! Likeee the color of the room- Textures! Stuff like that.” He said as he pulled the syringe from its crackling, plastic case. The familiar sound caused another short gasp to pass through Lotus’ teeth.
“Um…” Her voice squeaked under the crushing pressure of her growing anxiety. She closed her eyes. “O-Okay.” Her death-like grip released from the rim of the table as she lifted her hand to rest against her aching plastron. “I’m b-breathing.”
“Yes.” Leo carefully added as he connected the needle and syringe. “How are you breathing right now?”
“I just am!” Lotus’ voice rose an octave higher as her breath caught in her closing throat. She forced back another wince when a rubber band was tied tightly around her bicep.
“No, no.” Leo pressed as he wiped down the inside of Lotus’ right arm, causing a frightened cry from his trembling patient. “It’s okay. Just try to explain to me everything you can in detail. Maybe it will help.”
“Okay…Um, I’m breathing b-because there’s air being sucked in and out of my lungs.”
“Good.” Leo hummed as he put all his focus into finding a vein in Lotus’ skinny, trembling arm. “How are you feeling right now?”
“I’m-” Lotus began, but was abruptly cut off at the sensation of a latex hand tapping on her skin. She knew what was coming next, and no amount of conversation would change that.
“Lotus, focus. Keep talking to me. How are you feeling?” The eldest pressed again, seeing the way Lotus’ shaking had returned worse than before.
“I’m… I’M SCARED, LEO!” She cried out, squeezing her eyes shut and willing the beads of growing tears not to fall. “The- The last time this happened it BROKE!”
“W-What?” He asked, horror barely concealed behind his whispers.
“It-It broke and it hurt so bad and they had to get it out and they c-couldn’t FIND IT-” The shivers plaguing Lotus’ body found their way into her words, sharpening each one to feel more painful in her throat. “Th-They told me n-not to move but it hurt so bad and it-”
“Hey.” Leo’s warm voice cut through the storm of anxiety like a sunbeam through dark clouds, as he placed his gloved hand onto his patient’s knee. “Then isn’t now. You’re not there. You’re here. And that will not happen as long as you remain still. Just keep trying, you can do it.”
Lotus’ heart pounded at her chest, her strength depleting from putting so much energy into pushing back her memories.
Lotus had tried. She had been trying all day. She had to try when Leo lifted her from the couch. She had to try when the poking and prodding began.
She had been trying to trust him.
“I…” She gasped, scrambling to fill her quaking lungs, “...I c-can’t.”
Then her body decided, under the stress, anxiety, and nightmares replaying constantly in her mind, that enough was enough. The room began to blur, the edges of her vision blackening with an eerie fog. Her eyes rolled back, and the last thing she heard was Leo crying out her name.
That's all for this chapter! :)
This chapter is giving you guys a good glimpse of the battles ahead for Lotus in her healing and recovery from her past. And as you just read- she's got a long way to go. :(
In this chapter, and many before it focusing on this poor girl, I have made it clear of the dangers of living in the past. The threat of remaining in anxieties and nightmares can you pull you down into the darkest of shadows. I learned this from experience after being forced to deal with different stalkers in my life. Any time I would go out of my house my body was on high alert. Every time I walked into my church my head was on a constant swivel. Work became a nightmare some days. But guys- the trick, the lesson, the CURE that I have found against those is CHOOSING to remain steadfast in TRUTH. Lotus' little mantra, "I'm not there, I'm here" is one I have used many times. But the biggest one is "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." Fear and anxiety are nothing but rooted unbelief; doubt that what God has told me, promised me, isn't actually true. And I know for a fact that that is a lie.
So guys, when you're feeling anxious, afraid, worried- speak truth in your heart: You're breathing. You're not in your past you're in your present. YOU have the choice to make the shadows of your past hurt you. You can give all your anxieties and worries to God- because He's the only One Who can handle them. <3 I hope and pray that He will use this chapter in your life. And I pray that you too, will find the cure to this plague called anxiety.
Feel free to share and reblog! :)
A BIG THANK YOU TO @poetique823 for reviewing and critiquing my chapter! <3
If you want to be tagged in the next chapter, comment down below! (That way when I post the next chapter you'll get the notification!)
