I Feel Like I've Been Fired Out Of A Cannon

today’s schedule

1. suffer

2. masturbate

hes trying to explode you with his mind

getting reddit migration followers really feels like i’m a dangerous animal and a barrier between myself and the general populace has been removed

how’s it fuckin hangin twitter users

will bird food show up in a drug test time sensitive

this meme is relevant every single month

yeah! :D❤

nothing is scarier than seeing what the front page of YouTube looks like when you're not logged in

Left is MY FIC, right is the ACTUAL BOOK QUOTE IT WAS INSPIRED BY

(Mask context: masquerade ball / cinderella au)

It has been doing numbers EVERYWHERE and I only found out from this lovely person who commented on Ao3:

So yeah I guess if anyone wants to read an 8 year old Song of Achilles fanfic written in a fever dream after watching Into The Woods, be my guest

I shit you not, one of my friends got engaged and used this for their caption yesterday 😭😭😭

Should I tell her 🤭

NOOOOOO OH MY GOD LMAO

friend: i heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

me: 👌

by far the funniest reason my dad came up with for why he doesn't want me to work in the funeral/mortuary industry is because it's "unattractive". like man do you think i apply to jobs based on their impact on my tinder profile.

it's even funnier that how wrong he is too. if i work in the morgue i'll get bitches you couldn't even imagine.

YES I'M GAY:

faGgot

dykAe (the a is silent)

trannY

i may be stupid

you shut your whore mouth

i won’t hesitate bitch

i've been super stressed and overworked lately so i've been craving a cigarette really badly but i quit years ago and i don't really want to buy a whole pack when i know i'll only smoke one or two of them anyway, so instead whenever i feel like i can't take it anymore i just vividly imagine myself taking a smoke break in my head and the crazy thing is it actually makes me feel better. i feel like the 4chan burger tulpa guy.

using my psionic powers to give myself a tasty little treat without succumbing to the weakneses of the flesh

black mirror: ough ough ough technology bad

twilight zone: what if Bigfoot was harassing william shitner from the outside of a plane

living with a tall dude is ridiculous I just turned around and he was walking our cat around on the ceiling

you wouldn't get our bond

twitter limiting the amount of tweets you get to read per day is ridiculous but if tiktok limited the amount of videos people got to see per day it would be the biggest win for mental health since ssris

OFMD is like such a gay person fantasy like you spend your whole life as some silly little guy who gets mocked at every turn for everything you love and then all of a sudden this really hot person shows up like "YOOO, this shits cool as hell!!" and also they're madly in love with you.

Okay tell me straight up is the zombie dude from fallout 4 that everyone wants to bang ACTUALLY john hancock the founding father or is that just his name because I have some concerns

it’s just his name

Oh thank god

he stole the real hancock’s clothes

oh my god