And when I’m gone, you need to push me out of sight

because you can’t move on if I’m helping you along

talking to you until our “goodnight’s” are in the morning

what does it matter what I feel?

no one truly cares, they have their own to deal with

it just is better to keep it to myself

they can’t do anything about it anyway

it never matters in the end

I wouldn’t be leaving you 

because you never let me stay

My heart races when I look at you, think of you

I can’t keep up

These feelings for you are suffocating me

I can’t figure this out

I’m tired of being the “experimental” girl

the “non-risk” girl.

I want to be the one who’s your sedative that quiets the pain... even though it’s still lingering in the shadows.

I want to be the physical embodiment of happiness to you

and for you to realize you’re ready.

I want to be wanted most

for you to realize that you don’t want to live without me

that you’ve lost a treasure and won’t be the same after.

When will I be that girl?

You’ve brought the butterflies back

No

I’m just blind

Confusion

You have me confused. It’s twisted with infatuation and fear.

I’m not sure what to think about it. I’m drawn to you like waves fly towards the shore - it’s a calming cacophony and it scares me

I finally found hope after 

but its being crushed time and time again.

Is this another one of those times? 

Or should I hold onto the crumble of hope I have left instead? 

I don’t know what to think. I have no guidance in this. My heart deceives me every time. 

But you’re like magic to me. You fill me to the brim with feelings of the softest warmth I have ever known. I have never discovered these sensations until now.

I never knew they existed. 

You make me feel like delicate flower petals underneath the brightest rays of sunshine.

You hold my face in your hands as if I would chip with the slightest bit of pressure. 

I melt under your lips, and for the first time in my life

I am left utterly and completely breathless.

I lose track of time, I can’t think of anything but the moment with a single touch of your lips on mine

or my shoulder

or collarbone

or ribs.

I want this more than you know. I want you. 

but more than just as a body or something for comfort

I know it seems rash, but I found something that I don’t want to let go of. 

I want to know you more. You’re someone I can easily talk to and just be myself. You bring me out of the sadness that consumes me when I wander into that bad place. There’s something special here... I think. 

Maybe I’m delusional. Just infatuated. I don’t have 20/20 vision anyway. Maybe I’m just completely blind sighted. 

I really hope not.

Nobody wants a sad girl

Frustration is surfacing inside of me lately. I’ve found good things in these past few years, and sometimes they find me, but I’ve lost them now. 

You found me. I wasn’t even searching and there you were - this perfect man just patiently waiting to sweep me off my feet. Your smile filled your face when you first saw me - completely unaware of the heaviness and loss the end of seven months would bring to us.

Through it all, I had faith. I wanted it to work - it had to. This was supposed to be it. You were supposed to be my happy ending.

Then suddenly, you weren’t... at least for all I know. I’m stuck here waiting. Trying to be patient for the answer.

And some days I am. Patient. Some days I couldn’t care less if you decided to come back to me and truly love me - I know I’ll be okay in the end. But other days my eyes well up with frustration when the memories gently whisper to me and my racing heart presses against my ribs - threatening to crack them.

I just want to get it over with. Tell me: do you want me or do you not? I deserve better than to just sit and wait until you decide if you want to be with me or not. It should be easy for you to decide if you truly love me. We shouldn’t be this puzzle you have to figure out. We shouldn’t be something you need to take a step back in order to see the “whole picture.”

I’m truly amazing - flaws and all. I know this. So why can’t you see this? Why couldn’t you have stayed and wait it out with me? It was just high tide with some choppy waves. It would have calmed down eventually if you waited with me. We weren’t drowning.  

Do I really deserve better?

I have no one to tell me. Is patiently waiting the right thing to do? Or am I being stupid, blind-sighted, settling for less? Should I just leave?

I know my worth, so why haven’t I?

Here I am. Waiting. Knowing you’ll drag time on until you muster up the courage to tell me it won’t work. You don’t think it will work. 

Our memories and the love we had are no match for the hope you lack. The perfect connection you hadn’t felt with anything else doesn’t matter to you now. 

And I knew this all along. It was too good to be true. You were too good to be true.

You were going to ruin me. You have. 

But really,

it’s okay. 

Your name always tasted funny in my mouth anyway.