ToxicTM

yknow what would be a fucked up phone feature

No, I don't. Please, proceed.

if whenever you plugged it in you had to manually enable charging mode and there was no built in way to automate it

That would be fucked up.

yknow what would be more fucked up

Football field full of viruses.

Abraham Lincoln teeth sculpture.

Really big vampire.

Inside-out Sweden.

if they added automatic charging mode but paywalled it

Yeah that's pretty fucked up.

Weakling. You will not survive the winter.

And it looks like Jade's Land is one of snow. It's consistent with what PM saw in her monitor - but not consistent with Jade's assigned element of earth. I really thought LOJADE would be a Land of Mountains, or something.

Anyway, that's Jade: Enter! Everything is fucked, and I genuinely don't know how we're going to get out of this one. Obviously Jack isn't just going to teleport-stab the entire cast on the next page... but the problem is, he could! His threat estimate is so high that no one in the session could touch him...

...except Becsprite, so I expect him to be a huge factor in the overall plan. Jade, at least, might be safe from Jack for now.

The Ring has also become priority fucking one. A Ring-empowered Carapacian might be the only thing with both the power and motivation to take Jack on - but the Ring is destined to be lost to post-apocalyptic Earth. Could we use it before then - or, could the Exiles return?

Damn it, Bec, why did you do this? I guess we'll find out later on - but for now, I'll see you all next time. I have a lot to think about!

"The Demon is clearly a First Guardian, and appears to be on a rampage - he's a creature of instinct, like Bec!"

...says Sally, not making the obvious connection.

If you connect two sessions, you have to be prepared to face the consequences.

Jack invaded the troll session through the Rift, the Devilbeast becoming the Demon. Everything fits - the Green Sun connection, the rampant destruction of the planets, even the fact that Karkat 'recognized' Jack!

Both sessions' invincible bosses are the same person. I can't even be mad that I didn't figure it out, it's just too good.

I also feel like it's worth noting that Jack took Aradia completely by surprise. She didn't know these were Alpha events, which means her response wasn't planned in advance, to preserve the timeline.

Hell, for all she knew, the timeline had just been doomed.

Why is that important?

Because Aradia's instinctive response was to save everyone.

Even assholes like Eridan. Even her murderer.

Unfeeling robot, my ass!

Poor Karkat. I wonder if he thought that literally was Slick?

I'm making a note of that bloody hand, too. Looks like Jack's about to eschew the knives, and become more of a bestial fighter.

Shit's fucked. It was fucked before, but now it's double - no, triple fucked. This guy can - I assume - teleport around the Medium at his leisure. He's lightning fast, bulletproof, and - oh, god - and he might have Doc Scratch's clairvoyance.

And all he wants to do is kill.

Welcome to the stage, Perfect Jack.

Becsprite!!!

We can talk about why the fuck he did this a little later. Right now, I'm just reeling from the realization that we're actually going to hear Bec speak.

Jade's trying to smash him like a piñata. I guess he sort of is a foodstuff, then, isn't he?

I guess physical contact is out. This is a nasty entry challenge.

That's a far cry from Nanna's dinky little laser. As you might expect, Bec is a supercharged Sprite - but he didn't need to be a sprite at all to stop this meteor. Curious.

That's a wrap for Earth, I think.

RIP, FedoraFreak. And everyone else, I guess.

I think we're due for two more wraps, too.

Well, Davesprite might be ok. Who knows how Kernelsprite mortality works?

This art style is great. I guess Jade has no choice but to take a potshot.

Thanks, Bec!

...why do I feel like that's the last time I'll ever say that?

Wings? Tentacles? Whiskers?

Obsolete.

You don't need knives when you have a nuke.

Alright, this is the most menacing shot I have ever seen.

We know what that shape means, and now I understand what AR felt when he saw it. Surrender and death are your only options.

You're looking at a god.

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Hello, Bec.

I'm just going to say it straight out - Becquerel has the edge, here. Only Grandpa seems as likely, but Grandpa can't go in the Kernel pre-Entry.

But why would Bec choose to enter the Kernel?

That thing really is huge. I guess we're handwaving the gravitational anomalies, but I'm still surprised that there's as much of Earth left as there is in WV's time.

Bec's the Entry Item, too. I guess they're not all foodstuffs after all.

I think Jade's right about the escalating difficulty of the kids' respective Entries. John's was trivial, Rose's took a bit of thought, Dave's confused him for hours, and Jade's literally blinds her with only a couple of minutes on the clock.

In the end, John just picked the most harmless doll in the room. He even took her arm off - hoping, I assume, that the Underlings will end up with no arms at all. It was a good call.

8ut it ain't going to happen!

The Kernel is anyone's game now. It really looks like it's going to be Grandpa...

But that idea has been vetoed.

And as everything goes to shit, I realize why they need the Green Sun to kill Noir.

Flirting, got it. Always time for flirting.

Yeah, but which is which?

Karkat doesn't really hate John, that much is obvious. Which implies, I guess, that Vriska does hate him, or will come to hate him. She is destined to threaten his life, so that tracks.

She's also likely the reason he fucked up the prototyping, so hopefully she's here to explain why she suddenly has it in for him.

"HATE. HATE. KILLING. DEATH. VIOLENCE."

Full fucking circle. I think it's finally time.

Please do. We've danced around this moment enough, and it's time to finally get into it.

The Mistake happened when Jade entered, and it's had an immediate knock-on effect on LOWAS.

The only thing connecting Jade's Entry to LOWAS is Jack's presence there, so it's got to be him. Jack is, at this moment, achieving his final form.

Let's find out together.

Well, maybe a little. She was a lot spookier in their previous conversation, when she kept alluding to her 'coercion' of Nannasprite and the Consorts. In this conversation, she's acting pretty normal, if understandably nervous.

I had to paste this entire exchange, just to point out that Rose didn't answer John's implied question at all. He points out that she still hasn't explained her plan - and she simply acknowledges how silly this whole situation is, and leaves it at that.

John responds as if Rose has answered his question - but she hasn't! She's dodged it, continuing a pattern between these two that can't be accidental. Rose really doesn't want to tell John what she's up to.

John, this is all hilarious, but that actually is what's happening!

Listen to me, John! This actually is the case!

I mean, she's obviously not literally being possessed. This is still the same Rose we've known since Act 1 - she's just being manipulated, and her skepticism doesn't seem to be helping her realize this.

Aradia told her the score, pretty much directly - but Rose is in too deep now. She's going to see this through, whatever 'this' is.

Well, it certainly sounds like what you'd call a broken, corrupted universe seed.

I don't like the implication that whatever's in there is alive, though. A tumor growing out of a universe creation engine sounds like one of the most dangerous life-forms conceivable.

Fedorafreak remains the best character in Homestuck.

Anyway, we evidently missed something pretty critical. The last time we saw John, he was about to prototype the kernel - and now he's napping. Either Vriska is interfering, or something is going down on Skaia.

Not quite in the loop on everything, are you, Seer?

I feel like that should be a red flag for you - a sign that you should be catching up with your friends a little more. If you were, you'd have learned about Vriska's sleep-sniping habits from John or Kanaya, and you wouldn't be so surprised.

It's over.

Something critical has happened here - and I'd bet a Grist Hoard that it happened because John slept through it. Someone was 8iding their time, waiting for the right moment to influence events in their favor.

I told you to be careful around that girl, John.

A versatile tool for a Seer, just like Dave's timetables are for him.

Perhaps every Player makes a 'classpect tool' to aid them with their specialty. You could even argue that John's is his jetpack, which allows him to acquaint himself with the air.

...that said, the trolls had rocket gear, too. His classpect tool, if it exists, will probably be more specifically tied to his Heir-of-Breathness.

So if you're willing to embrace your Title, the game will sort of... meet you halfway?

Well, that's easy for a Seer to say. The game provides plenty of obvious ways for you to learn more about the world around you. What's an Heir supposed to do? Who can he inherit from?

Maybe John's ultimate goal as an Heir has something to do with the Royal Families. If so, he'd better get a move on - one of them is already extinct.

You could take a peek at them with your crystal ball, couldn't you?

Actually, maybe not. The clouds are probably 'hard-coded' as a Prospit perk. The same way Jade found the Furthest Ring unpleasant and overwhelming, Rose would probably find nothing of value in those clouds.

Knowing the future isn't that special - but you're sidestepping the fact that that's not currently your specialty. What makes you unusual, I believe, is the out-of-bounds information you have about the game, and the big picture surrounding it and the Green Sun.

I still think it's going to be a steak. All the kids' entry items have been consumable, and (irradiated) steak is the foodstuff with the strongest connection to Jade.

Perhaps. Dave's was a pretty mean trick, after all - and if I'm right about yours being a steak, I'm not sure how you're supposed to 'activate' it.

I highly doubt the solution is to take a bite. Maybe feed it to Becquerel?

Looks like you're on your own.

Love when Dave's bushy eyebrows make an appearance. You can tell that if he didn't wear his shades, he'd have a very expressive face - and therein, I think, lies the reason he wears them.

Yeah, your sister's in some deep shit. I don't know what to tell you, man - I think waking her would be dangerous, lest you disturb the balance of whatever's going on here.

Dream Rose is officially offline, so Dave has to deal with whatever he saw in the Furthest Ring on his own.

What the fuck.

Holy shit, you're out of the loop on this, too? I was sure that Skaia would have told you at least that much.

Well, prepare for a shock. Typical that this would come up at one of the most critical moments of the session.

Uh, Bro? You were barely holding your own, even when fighting seriously. Is this really the time to start flexing?

...ok! I stand corrected!

Wow, this is going a lot better than I thought.

Guess it makes sense that Davesprite would tip the scale. He doesn't have the raw power of the other two combatants, but he has plenty of what we in the biz call hax. He can pull all sorts of weird tricks with time travel and sprite magic, keeping Jack on his toes while Bro brings the pain.

They might actually have a shot, if they can finish the fight in six minutes.

Tick, tock...

"he missed"

"No, he didn't."

We saw in Rise Up that the Battlefield evolved over time - starting as a nine-tile chessboard, and growing more complex with each Kernel added.

After it absorbs them all, it reaches some the state where it can 'receive' a universe, whatever that means. Maybe the universe is, in a way, the Battlefield's final Kernel - transforming it into a complete, multidimensional space, primed for a Big Bang.

The troll Battlefield was prototyped with triple the number of Kernels, so I assume it's more complex than ours. We didn't really get to see it, though.

Does this mean that the kids' home universe is inherently more 'complex' than any universe that their four-player session can create?

I'm skeptical. We're less than halfway through the comic, and Homestuck is about creating worlds. You don't drop a reveal like that and then never come back to it, and I strongly believe that the kids will eventually participate in some version of the Ultimate Alchemy.

This is new, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

This session can't spawn a universe - but perhaps there's still an empty shell within the four-kernel Battlefield, which could have grown into a universe. Who knows what use could be made of it?

Things are getting a little crazy, on multiple fronts at once. Is the Dark Seer finally going to show her hand?

I guess not. Research takes priority.

Beard Turtle is my new favorite NPC.

It's getting difficult for these kids to communicate at all. Everyone's time travelling, scrying and prophesizing, and their personal timelines have become so desynchronized that they have to isolate themselves, lest they corrupt the formation of each other's original ideas. It's such a mess!

Not to be a downer, Rose, but the majority of doomed timelines will result from other people's decisions, not yours. The majority of your future selves are doomed - most of them through no fault of your own.

I understand your anxiety, though, You faced oblivion once, and you're desperate to avoid repeating that disaster.

Come to think of it, this is probably why Rose has been so cagey since Davesprite showed up. It's not solely because she's on suspicious missions from the gods - she's also just a terrified teenager, who knows that if she says the wrong thing, everyone will die.

This always seems to turn into a scramble. It's probably part of the game's design to make sure people Enter under pressure.

I remember Karkat was able to Enter without even seeing his meteor, but that doesn't mean it wasn't imminent. Maybe he just didn't look up?

No.

This motherfucker can't die!

Collab of the century, coming to you live from western LOWAS.

Well, that answers that.

If it's not literally the Denizen, then I don't think it would cause the problems I predicted if it was prototyped. The Typheus Minion has fallen off significantly in likelihood, and the list of options is shrinking.

Ok, I'll admit this is pretty funny. Almost every prediction I have is in this pile, teetering precariously over the kernel. Hussie really knows how to fuck with you.

Oh, fuck.

Jack, just - just wait there. Postpone your invasion of LOWAS for however many minutes are displayed on Jade's Cruxtruder. Please?

Jack has tracked down the one warrior who could challenge him. Does he have a new plan this time?

Huh. I didn't peg Jack as the 'honorable warrior' type - although, come to think of it, this isn't the first time he's shown respect to his enemies.

I guess he was prototyped with a sword. Maybe it symbolizes chivalry, or fair combat, compelling Jack to seek out a duel.

If there's one thing that this demonstrates, it's that Becquerel couldn't end up in the kernel by accident - his reactions are much too fast. If he gets prototyped, it's because he wants to be prototyped.

It's 413 + 612. It probably represents the kids and trolls 'coming together', and working as a team.

It sure does.

I think the dolls, at least, are a red herring. We've done that twice before, and a Mummysprite just doesn't seem that interesting, especially compared to all the other options.

I think the realistic choices here are Grandpa, Bec, Dream Jade and Typheus. I'd give a slight edge to Grandpa, because he's in the room with the Cruxtruder - but a lot can happen in ten minutes.

Hmm.

See, reading between the lines here, it doesn't sound like Jade ever saw a Grandpasprite in Prospit's clouds. She saw herself and John talking to Grandpa - but if she saw him as a green ghost, she'd be a lot more conclusive about that being the correct option.

Instead, she says why not. It sounds right to her, but she's not sure. I think the fact that they're planning to prototype Grandpa is intentionally misleading.

They could just prototype nothing at all before entering. The game is already unwinnable, so they don't have anything to lose by cutting themselves off from 'ultimate success'. Plus, it'll stop Jack from getting any stronger.

Damn it, and John has a frog in his sylladex! That would have been a fantastic prototyping, if he could get it to her.

Does Jade have enough time to fetch a frog from the lilypad ruins? Probably not - I guess this will remain a missed opportunity. The kids would never think of it, either, because the comic has so far refused to elaborate on Frog Lore.

After 500 pages of troll bickering, conversations like these are an excellent palate cleanser. There's no performative hostility here - these two are just having fun, even when discussing their bizarre situation.

You did? But you were surprised when Tavros told you that dream selves could die!

...oh, right. That was Dream Jade, who is confused about everything.

So - Jade knew all along. She certainly held this fact close to her chest, didn't she? And not just because Hussie hadn't written it yet. Jade didn't want to acknowledge her future - although she did hint at it once, in a manner so subtle she probably didn't even notice.

Imagine being Jade, looking in the mirror every morning, watching herself grow older.

Watching herself slowly turn into the corpse in the attic.

Wow, John was really affected by this. He can't even talk about it with Jade, who serves as living proof that the death didn't stick.

I guess that's not really the point. Seeing your best friend's corpse will fuck you up, even if it 'doesn't count'.

The last time Jade spoke to John, we didn't even know her Title.

John still believed that she was 'psychic', because he hadn't even learned about Prospit yet. It was a simpler time.

Jade's been asleep for nine hundred pages, and in her absence, the stakes have been raised considerably. I don't think she even knows about the early Reckoning, let alone the Scratch.

She obviously has some catching up to do - but we should probably save it until she's in the Medium.

Taking advantage of John's Bunnykind abstratus was always a clever move - and really, it's not Jade's fault that it enabled Jack's regicide.

It only ended up on his desk due to a bizarre Rube-Goldberg chain that she couldn't possibly have foreseen, because Skaia didn't let her. She was just trying to help!

John takes a temporary break from his fantasy adventure to contemplate gender.

That's a good idea. I haven't done a big theorypost in a while, and I've been thinking a lot about recent events, and how they all fit together. I think I'm starting to get a sense of where we're headed.

First, let's recap the main events that we know will happen.

John will come into his own, achieving something that causes him to be recognized as a particularly successful Player.

Some disaster will eventually befall Rose, masking her from Trollian's viewport.

Jade will enter the Medium, alongside her volcano, the Forge. Her prototyping will empower Jack to his final form, likely including a dangerous ingredient such as Dream Jade, Becquerel or Typheus.

The kids will perpetrate The Mistake, a disastrous event which sabotages the troll session.

Both teams will collaborate on a plan which involves The Scratch, a Sburb phenomenon allowing the kids to tear holes in sessionspace.

John believes this plan will allow him to meet Karkat in person.

Based on this information, I think the end of Act 5 will revolve around the kids - John, in particular - opening the Scratch. This will be the Mistake, which brought the Demon to the troll session - but in true Homestuck fashion, the event which dammed them will also end up saving them.

I theorize that the rifts opened by the Scratch will lead to some neutral location. The kids can flee from Perfect Jack, the trolls can escape the Demon, and they can meet in person to decide on their next move.

I think it's here where Rose will find the Green Sun. By this point, she's already been obfuscated from Trollian - Kanaya implied this happened during the session - and we don't have a clue what this means, or what her game really is. It'll finally be time for her friends to confront her.

But I don't think Rose or the Horrorterrors are the real threat here.

It's Doc Scratch. It was always Doc Scratch. This phenomenon is even named after him, for god's sake. He's been manipulating the trolls, both in and out of their session, and he's got his grubby little hands over all their plans.

Scratch has been working to summon Lord English for centuries, and Aradia has described this sequence of events as the road to the undoing.

This whole clusterfuck will end, somehow, in Snowman's death, and Act 5's finale will begin the tale of Lord English, the universe-eater.

I guess that is sort of the default answer. You could argue that Vriska isn't actually manipulating probability at all - that she can't alter the probability of outcomes, because the Alpha timeline only has one possible outcome.

...yeah, this is a really bizarre power, when you try and puzzle out how it actually works. When she activates it, things do seem to resolve in her favor - but what does that mean? Does the Alpha timeline take her power into account when it's 'deciding' which events are predestined? How would her power work in doomed timelines?

Vriska has an incredibly versatile, useful ability, and this will remain the case until she wields it in defiance of an Alpha timeline prophecy. Then we'll see where things really stand.

Well, that's the issue, isn't it? No version of Dave can rely on his future self to bail him out, because that's only allowed to happen when the Alpha Timeline says so.

This makes Davesprite's reassurance ring very hollow. If the Alpha decides Dave has to die, there's not a thing he can do about it, time travel be dammed.