u ever just want to sit at the bottom of a pool or something. like if i could breathe underwater it would be a really nice, peaceful environment. especially if it was sunny and the water was nice and warm. just sittin there, watching the sunlight dance on the tiles? yeah. that’s a nice thought

Percy Jackson

ur not the first person to mention percy jackson on this post so i assume he can breathe under water which is neat but also i’m jealous so i’m going to fight him

21st Century AU fic where the founding fathers write the Declaration of Independence using Google Docs

“You guys! Stop deleting everything I write!”

“Unalienable!” “Inalienable!”

I’M LAUGHING LIKE A MANIAC

“SO HELP ME I WILL LOCK THIS DOCUMENT IF YOU DON"T STOP CHANGING THE FONT SIZE JOHN HANCOCK!!!”

“STOP HIGHLIGHTING EVERYTHING!” “WHO DELETED THE ENTIRE FUCKING DOCUMENT!”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT DECLARING OUR INDEPENDENCE IN COMIC SANS”

“GOUVERNUER MORRIS WILL YOU PLEASE STOP ADDING ‘IN BED’ AFTER EVERY LINE”

ladyhistory

This is a thing of beauty.

I-I found it???? The post???? The post™

imagine one for the new U.S. constitution 

“why is the red line under Pensylvania”

“bc that’s not how it’s spelled alexander”

“I am like, 100% positive I spelled it right”

“Pennsylvania has two n’s”

“No???”

being an adult is just. you wake up and tell other people your back hurts

the other night i tried to make a curry and i got chilli burns all over my face, so i thought to myself ‘hang on, doesn’t milk soothe chilli burns? it does’ and i couldn’t google because i couldn’t see so i just had to blindly feel my way to the fridge and pour out a bowl of milk, and then plant my face in the bowl of milk, anyway at that point the rice cooker went off and triggered a power surge which turned my electricity off, which i didn’t notice at first because i had my face in a bowl of milk and when i did emerge from the dairy prison i thought i had gone blind with chilli burns. so no i don’t really cook much.

help; my wife won’t stop pointing at people holding hands and saying “need me a freak like that” even though we are already holding hands

this tweet haunts me

told my mom i wanna drop out of uni and marry rich and she said “what rich guy would wanna marry u” she right

me: I love minding my own business!

something: happens

me:

everyone arguin about pineapple on pizza but where’s the chocolate milk in applesauce discourse???

the whom

Every horse movie

Sarah aynn: “no one understands me I hate you Mom for making us move out here in the middle of no where there’s not even cute boys” *runs away and finds mysterious farm* Old man wilkinson: “this right here lil lady is a hourisey if yer can tame t it’s yoires if not it’s goin back to the horse factory” Sarsjh: *walks up to horse and starts to pet its nose* “see girl? You and me aren’t so different after all” Old man wonka: “why I don’t believe it she done tamed ol’ misery I reckon she ought to sign her up for the horuse show and save the farm” *cut scene of Sarah sneaking out the house to ride her horse everyday until her mom finds out* Mom: “young lady you are GROUNDED!!!! You are not allowed to compete in the horse show” Staryah: “no Mom please” *runs away and almost gets hit by car but then the horse pushes the car out the way" Mom: “fucjkfidnb maybe that’s a good horse after all”

OH my god

a meaningful and relatable tweet

writing fanfiction

when you have the PERFECT ROMANTIC SCENE ALL ENVISIONED AND EVERYTHING but then your fingers be like “he look into eyes. hot darn.”

i’m not against vaping, but man, vaping two inches from my face on the subway is a ridiculous asshole kind of move. this dude was billowing like he was auditioning for the role of haunted house fog machine. the humidity in the whole car changed, he was ruining haircuts. just jump starting the water cycle. condensation was dripping down my glasses. people were slipping off poles, it was chaos. it was like watching one man try to terraform the moon. a planet with one dense, root beer scented atmosphere blocking out the sun and choking all life. 

i consider this a sort of prose poem to be honest

roses are red

to you i talk sweet