The fbi man behind my webcam whenever I reblog “fbi man who’s spying on me” memes:

wow sir… this resume.. is amazing. i didn’t even know you could get a pHD for being a babe magnet… hired.

“how’s your summer?”

maybe you MILLENIALS would be able to afford a house if you stopped spending your money at your local diner’s jukebox buying twenty one (21) plays of what’s new pussycat with one (1) play of it’s not unusual in the middle

Does everyone just inexplicably know this

😻amazing, pt.1

Always need good news stories

Just some positivity, because we could all use some more of this in our lives.

I may not be a perfect person but at least I have never yelled at an employee in a store

Every detail about this image is fucking hilarious

I’m dying. It’s currently February 26th, 2018. AND Jerry Trainor himself wrote this article

This is the most dumb thing I’ve ever read. How high up his own ass is this jerry trainor?!

Jerry Trainor is famous for portraying characters that are very very weird and in some cases will see themselves as the center of everything. What he is doing here is making fun of the white people complaining about there not being enough white people in black panther and mocking how Hollywood whitewashes a lot of fictional characters by claiming he, a late 2000s preteen show actor, should have played that level of an iconic role in a major film. He’s not serious about all of this he is using his own reputation as a weird character actor to ridicule racists.

there is honestly nothing more gorgeously tacky than bowling alley carpet

Don’t even talk to me if all of your clothes aren’t made out of bowling alley carpet

showing up late to a meeting with an iced drink is a power move. like with hot drinks the cup is opaque and people cant tell the temperature so they dont know how long ago you got it. maybe its hours old. maybe you just got caught in traffic. who can say. but iced drinks. its clear. they can see the ice. they can see if its still frozen. they look you in the eye and they know you were standing in line fifteen minutes ago and made the conscious, deliberate decision to get a mocha frap instead of being on time. and then you made ANOTHER conscious, deliberate decision to bring it into the meeting with you, informing everyone in attendance that on your list of priorities, each and every one of them ranks firmly below one (1) mocha frappuchino.

I don’t feel so gucci mr.stark

when someone says “muslims need to tell isis to stop” but u already texted isis and they left u on read and now they’re vague-posting about u

Trust me daddy

this post is cancelled

*walks into kitchen at 2 am*

…wow okay.. i need to be quiet…

TRIPS OVER CHAIR, BREAKS LEG, CATCHES HOUSE ON FIRE

who brushes their teeth in the kitchen?

what

peak academia is scanning a 300 page book for a single phrase to use in ur essay just to add the big fancy book title to ur sources

Trump: “The theater should be a safe space for politicians!”

Abraham Lincoln’s ghost:

every student @ the whiteboard when there’s no teacher in the room

grandpa tell the story about how you sent anon hate to that bitch again

fun fact the west coast does not have cicadas so you can imagine my surprise when my LA ass moved to Philly for college when all the trees started screaming while they’ve been on fire plenty of times where I’m from they never screamed

i’m c r y i n g

like consciously i know biodiversity exists but i guess i just never considered the fact that some people don’t have the experience where you just wake up one day to all of nature fucking shrieking like hellspawn and you’re like “huh guess it’s that season!”

**eats three raspberries* I can feel my cells multiplying. my blood is cleaner, safer. my skin……less dry. I am well. I am nourished.

i’m not against vaping, but man, vaping two inches from my face on the subway is a ridiculous asshole kind of move. this dude was billowing like he was auditioning for the role of haunted house fog machine. the humidity in the whole car changed, he was ruining haircuts. just jump starting the water cycle. condensation was dripping down my glasses. people were slipping off poles, it was chaos. it was like watching one man try to terraform the moon. a planet with one dense, root beer scented atmosphere blocking out the sun and choking all life. 

i consider this a sort of prose poem to be honest