I've been scream laughing at this for several days

the first time i ever saw this video it made me spit out my drink all over my desk which is somewhat ironic considering the content of this video

You thought your self as a normal person living a normal life. That was until your house was destroyed during a fight between a superhero and a supervillain. The look of terror in their eyes when they saw you changed that notion.

“Mom, I can explain, I SWEAR!”

“Then explain it to me, Jaina. Explain why our house is a pile of rubble. And what’s with that tiara? And the purple hair?” I growled through my teeth.

I tried to remember the breathing exercises my doctor told me about so I didn’t strangle my teenage daughters. Or faint in front of them. Was that my good china in pieces all over the lawn? Oh, that was coming out their allowances for the next millenium.

“It’s Lanie’s fault, okay! She’s been my nemesis this whole time and she never even told me!’ Jaina whined, jumping up and down.

I focused fully on Lanie for the first time. And heat instantly crept up my cheeks. I considered myself a very progressive parent who fully supported my child’s right to express themselves with any kind of fashion they wanted. But a black leather leotard? Thigh high boots? Those gaudy clawed gloves? Fishnets? Was this really what the kids were into these days?

"Quite an outfit, Lanie,” I said breezily, trying to be a cool mom. “Did you get it from that Hot Topic place? Better enjoy it, because you’re not allowed at the mall for the rest of your life after this stunt!

Lanie buried her face in her hands and moaned. "Mom, I’m Mistress Nimue!”

I rubbed between my eyes. A cluster headache was quickly spreading “Is this one of those LARP things? I don’t get it.”

“Lanie’s a VILLAIN who’s been terrorizing the city! And I’m Arcana, the magical hero who’s destined stop her!” Jaina gestured at the rather sparkly purple dress she was wearing. “Haven’t you heard of us? Do you keep up with the news at ALL?”

I flushed. “I haven’t had time lately, with all my hours working at the hospital and taking care of you girls on top of that! Don’t you know I have my hands full-?”

“You really think I’m the hero and you’re the villain?” Lanie interrupted me to snarl at her sister. “Since when?”

“You walked in on me transforming in the privacy of my own room and attacked me! Of course you’re a villain! Mom, you should know Lanie started it, not me!”

“You’re always such a fucking tattletale! I should have known you were Arcana, glamour or no! You’re both narcs! Also, the only reason I came in your room in the first place was to get back my Switch, which you stole from me! You’re definitely the villain.”

“I did not steal your Switch, I borrowed it. And you’re the villain, you have dark magic-”

“Is that what those stupid fairies you work with told you? So goddamn gullible. No wonder you believed in Santa until you were twelve.”

“How dare you bring that up!” Purple energy crackled in Jaina’s hands and she stalked toward her sister.

“Always so quick to violence too,” Lainie sneered, as dark energy pulsed in her own hands. “Come get me, sis!”

“ENOUGH.” My voice boomed like a thunderclap. Both Jaina and Lanie winced, instantly dropping their fists, all magic falling away. They shrank a little under my glowering stare. Superpowers or no, my girls knew better than to cross me.

“I’d send you both to your rooms,” I hissed, “but that’s not an option right now. But I will not have you make any more of a scene while the neighbors are watching.” I gave a quick bright smile to the crowd that was gathering a few feet from us. A few people stepped back shakily. I guess my smile was a teensy bit intimidating.

I took out my keys. “We’re driving to a hotel. And we’re going to be having a long conversation. It seems we have a lot to talk about.”

“Yes ma'am,” they both mumbled.

I sighed as I shepherded them to the car. Parenting was never easy.

*baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws*

Reblog to bap the person you reblogged from with your paws

I liked this post, scrolled for like another minute before I went “SHIT FUCK SHIT” and scrolled back to reblog it

I always reblog this one when I see it on my dash. When someone posts their own art, writing, or music here they are really hoping you will share it.

You were once an adventurer but when was turned to stone. Your party tried to save you but it was too late, so they place you in the center of a town they founded, now years later an army marches onto that town and with every once of willpower you try to move…and with groan you take a step.

In the first year, you cried when it rained. You stood with your sword in the air and the pedestal at your feet and nature poured tears down your cold marble cheeks.

Keep reading

me: i don’t want to see jellyfish so i will blacklist the tag #jellyfish

people with no common sense: je11yf1sh, je11¥fi5h, j*llyf*sh, je//ÿf!sh, j3ï||yf¡sh, gel lee fisk

result: cannot account for the sheer amount of possible ways to alter the word jellyfish

conclusion: i have to see jellyfish now.

Once again, tumblr is not tiktok, tag properly.

this heavily extends to tagging crucial things like "flashing," "flickering," and even "strobing"!

please dont tag flashing (or any of the above) as 'fl*shing,' 'fl4sh1ng,' 'flashing /' or 'flashing tw' or any variant of! just tag it as 'flashing'!

By editing crucial tags like above ^ filters will not reliably blacklist gifsets/videos/images that can cause photosensitive individuals serious harm.

you never know who of your followers is epileptic or photosensitive, please do us the kindness of letting us curate our online experiences :,3

He should be using home-grown American meth to promote local industry

Your evil mother was killed by a demonic entity that took her form. It planned to torture you by revealing itself when you grew up, and feast on your terror and fear. When the day came, however, you felt no fear or despair. Instead, you thanked the demon for being the best mother ever.

“A demon? Bullshit.”

What if there were weed smoking girlfriend 2/3 and 3/3 so you and your friends can match and if you don’t have friends you can get tiny furby shirts or wear all three at once

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

💜🖤🤍💛

As someone who took etiquette lessons, politeness is an incredibly effective tool for disarming bigots. You can either force them to reconsider their words/actions by directly and calmly confronting their behavior (by using the rules of society in your favor), or you can dip entirely while they appear to be in the wrong.

Both options are great.

Because the thing is, when bigots pick fights, they are 100% counting on you to get louder than them. Or meaner. They want you to react emotionally and provide fodder for their 'You're Too Emotionally Immature To Understand' cannon.

What they aren't expecting you to do is say one of the following phrases in a polite, concerned tone:

For those of you who'd are spiteful and/or dealing with Fundamentalists/Evangelicals/generally shitty Christians:

And my all time favorite:

"It sounds to me like there are some seriously dark and angry forces at work in your heart."

(Nothing stops a Christian bigot in their tracks faster than implying the Devil is causing their bigotry. But you MUST be calm, polite, and gentle with your tone and wording. It is absolutely fair to twist the rules and play them at their own game, but you gotta play hard.)

TLDR: It's much faster to use etiquette, politeness, and rhetoric reversal when eviscerating idiots online and in person, because they aren't expecting you to weaponize their behaviors back in their direction. Don't get angry, get spitefully polite! :)

I am always giving what the other gives. I am as polite and kind as possible, but if someone advocates for extermination of people and genocide, my politeness and kindness is more sharp.

There are who are never go and self-reflect when you use such phrases on them, sadly. Still worth trying.

we need to make a new acronym for cognitive behavioral therapy. my condolences go out to psychologists everywhere but you lost this battle and you need to move on

Congratulations to The Register for what might be my favorite coverage of the indictment.

Wait, the closing paragraphs are pretty strong, too.

Love the idea of blatantly refusing to mention his accomplishments and instead bringing up ways he fucked up to refer to him. "Six time bankrupt" "failed casino owner" we need more. Keep refusing to acknowledge anything even remotely good he's done. He doesn't deserve it.

The Monster Hunter Association specializes in the eradication and containment of monsters. They’ve been doing this for centuries all the way back to King Arthur. You work as the secretary to this fine organization. Oddly enough, you’re also a vampire.

The MHA’s ‘Secretary’: Too old for this shit

“How many years have you been working here?” The new recruit smirked, leaning on your table to get a little bit closer, “Seems like you have a lot of work, we could go out and have coffee. Take a breather.” they said wiggling their eyebrows.

You moved back a little bit to look at the new recruit with a raised brow. Through all the years that you have lived, there would always be this kind of newbie who think they were 'all that’ once they passed the rigorous and challenging test to join the Monster Hunter Association. You’ve seen them come and go over the years. Some were hardened, while some never return. It was certainly devastating the first 300 years but then it got old pretty quick. People like the one in front of you tend to belong on the latter. So you smile to least give them something nice to look at before they meet their inevitable doom caused by their own ego.

“With our hours? I’d rather not.” You push a folder with the case file of their target, “Focus on your job rather on mine, newbie.”

The newbie clicked their tongue and sauntered off. You ignored their whispered insult and got on with your day.

Well that was the plan.

You clicked your tongue as you stomped towards your destination, putting on your fingerless gloves and retying your long hair to a more battle ready do. You put on your earpiece as the buzz of people talking all at once mentioned your name.

“–A group of newbies have found a coven after fighting the monster that was terrorizing a small village. When will they arrive?!”

“It’s just another vampire coven,” you answered, effectively silencing your the dispatch’s retort, “Haven’t you all made sure that our new recruits could handle anything out there.”

“We wouldn’t have sent for you if it were. Its just that the area where the monster was reported to reside….was your old coven.”

You were silent for a second, “Ah.”

“Yes. Ah. Now are you there yet?”

You hissed “I do not like your tone, how many times have I told you to respect your elders.”

“I’m sorry, I am agitated by–”

“Yes, yes. You have always been such an agitated child.”

“I am 500 yrs old.”

You smirked, “Still a child,” you teleported to your destination, the mist from your magic clinging momentarily to you. “I’m here now. Coordinates?“

But before you could get the answer, the group of new recruits came running at you, screaming out for help as behind them numerous pairs of red eyes shone from the darkness.

With a sigh, you strut forward cracking your neck, "Did you wake these shits up?”

The new recruit that had been flirting at you shook their head vigorously, but his heartbeat already told you that they WERE the ones who did. You bared your fangs and grabbed on to his collar, “Speak.”

“YES! YES! I WAS COCKY, I DIDNT THINK THEY WERE THAT MANY! IM SORRY!”

You shook your head and threw him towards his comrades, “Watch and learn, children. This is how you exterminate monsters like these.”

After a quick one sided beating, you return to the group who pulled out crosses and garlic which you scrunched your nose at, you swatted their toys away. “This is my first and last lesson to you lot, those things you have? Not effective against me. I’m immune, when you get to my age you develop an immunity to it.”

“But you’re a vampire! Our instructors–”

“Your instructors are idiots,–” you said catching a silver bullet aimed between your eyes “–and they still can’t fucking teach effective combat or sharpshooting. It seems they need another lesson.”

A few squeaks and clearing of throats could be heard from your earpiece.

“Shut up, the lot of you. Whoever is spilling our plans to the monsters is bleeding us dry of our clients. You’re adding more work for me.”

Another recruit, who was pointing a stake at you spoke up, “H-how old are you?”

“Me?” you smirked, fangs glinting in the moonlight, “I’m too old for this shit.”

And with that last parting word, you dissipate and returned to your desk, clothed in your secretarial work clothes. After all, who else is going to do the paperwork for these idiots. Who knew that being the Founder of the MHA required you to do so much paperwork.

Glad to see people are excited to see me 

…why’s there a /j puki?