everything feel so different now. I feel like ive been handed a toolbox of all I could possible want in this life and now I feel paralyzed by it and I dont know what to do with it. This past month has been filled with nothing but fun, fulfilling, exciting, inspiring times yet I dont know what to do with it all. I feel scrambled. I feel ungrateful. I feel at ease. I feel loved. There are almost too many emotions and none to feel all at once. I’m in my head too much. I selfishly catch myself wishing there was drama in my life. This is the first healthy relationship I have ever been in and I can’t help but feel sad that all my others went to waste. I’ve learned so much from them and am so grateful theyre there but similltaneously feel like a fraud. I feel so right with where I am but premature at the same time. I have passionately feelings towards someone but not about myself, my work. I have the train tracks all lined up for me and nowhere to go. The car is all loaded up and fueled but I’d rather go by foot now. I don’t know what the next phase entails but I know how important and theraputic it is for me to jot it all down. In the end when I dont have a canvas to create with, I always always have a place to write my thoughts down. I feel like I want my future kids to know how important it is to write things down. I haven’t ever had a therapist and who knows maybe one day I will but I feel like I am my own sometimes with this page. Maybe it’s the lack of literary outlets I have now without school that is causing my head to catch fire. I would say explode but I don’t want to be too dramatic just yet. I miss things a lot and I allow myself to miss them. I wish they would miss me back sometimes though. It’s somehow always felt like a two way street missing things but lately I feel it’s one sided. It gets heavy up here all day. Breathing helps. Not focusing on myself helps. The scriptures helps. Working out helps. Cooking helps. This busy body just needs her busy back.
