Doctor is putting me in the hospital

Thank fucking god.

If my doctor doesn't send me to the hospital today, I really will kill myself. It's a sure thing.

everyone is staring at me and all the cars on the highway want me dead.

No, no,no, no

I can NOT be having these suicidal thoughts at fucking work. Work is usually a chill place for me - it distracts me and the routine is comforting. But I can't stop thinking about killing myself and I still have 7 hours to work. I have decided that I need the hospital. I'm telling my doctor tomorrow to send me to one. I can't keep on like this.

I'm Done

I called my psychiatrist's office because they called me yesterday to let me know that my Latuda isn't covered by my insurance and I asked them to verify my appointment for this month, which I have an appointment card that says 9/19. They tell me that they don't have me scheduled for this month because someone at the desk fucked up and their earliest appointment is in October. I cannot wait until October. I could barely wait until the 19th. When they call me back to discuss the Latuda, I'm going to tell them that if they can't see me on the 19th, I'm not making another fucking appointment and I don't want a refill on my meds because they're obviously not fucking working and they can forget about the $400/month that I pay them. And I'm not going anywhere else. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of medications. I'm done - and if I decide to kill myself then all of our problems are solved and they can consider me another tick mark in their losses column.

tw suicide mention - please offer your opinions

So, I'm kinda in a bad place because usually I just think about dying in a vague way - like, I won't try to do it but if it happened, that would be fine. The past couple of days, I have had a crystal clear image of how to kill myself. I think about it, I dream about it, the thought comes to me periodically throughout the day. I know exactly how I would do it and have to leave rooms of my house that have sharp objects because I can't trust myself. I'm in the mental health field - if I heard someone expressed this to me, I would absolutely suggest that they they be placed in a hospital, no question. I work at a mental hospital and I am no different than the women committed there except I haven't actually tried to commit suicide yet. I do not want to be hospitalized, but I know that my doctor will take this very seriously and see hospitalization as an option. I so badly want to avoid inpatient because I want to believe that I'm not that sick. But I think I am. Should I tell my doctor and risk hospitalization or should I just try to push on and hope it goes away? Welcoming all opinions.