It was Friday night and my friend and I, there’s just this huge, sexual tension between us that has been building up for months now. We watched you Friday night, trying to binge it, and we didn’t finish. She was caressing my leg, and I figured she wanted me to do the same, so I did. The next thing I know, she takes my hand and places it where she wants me to touch her. I ask if she’s comfortable, if this is ok, and she says yes. I kiss her, and she gets on top of me and we start making out and then she stops, leaves. Tells me she made it home and we can’t do that again.

Sunday night, I come over because we didn’t finish you. We cuddle, even though we said we wouldn’t. She unhooks my bra to get back at me for trying to unhook her’s and starts caressing my back cuz I’m ticklish there. She does it for a long time. I’m getting turned on. I also realize I’m at peace with her, I start getting sleepy. I’m laying with my head in her chest on the couch. I put my hands under her shirt, I caress her back. Then I move my hand to her chest, start squeezing her breasts. She starts breathing heavier and I can hear her heart beat. We’re in med school, so I make some lame joke about mitral valves and S1 heart sounds, she laughs. Then we look at each other and make out. We do this twice.

I sleep over, I stay on the couch. You can come sleep in my bed if you want, of course I do so I do. We get in bed together, I take off my sweat pants at her suggestion because it’s too hot. We mess around, I annoy her, I get under the covers. She grabs my head, I kiss her arm, come back up. What can I do to earn a kiss from you? She takes my hand and places it where she wants. I take my other hand and place it on her chest. Here, have I earned it yet? Maybe… I place my hand between her legs, maybe now? She kisses me, asks me what I want? Never been asked that by my previous two partners. She caresses me again, we make out for a long time, we have found a rhythm. She’s a great kisser. I go down on her.

She pulls my head up to signify to stop so I do. We trust each other, but somehow we are just friends. Do you like me, I ask. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, she says. Well, I feel the same way, I say. I used to be in love with her, but after sleeping with her, I like her now. We realize we just really care about each other, so much that we trust each other sexually, emotionally. It’s our secret, our class talks too much. It’ll probably happen again, who knows.

I fucked up big time I ducked up big time

setting boundaries is painful

setting boundaries is painful because a line has been crossed, and you’re so used to crossing that line that you’ve gotten used to it. 

i had confessed to my friend that i was in love with her, that i had feelings for her beyond that of a friendship. and of course, she didn’t feel the same way, but our friendship grew closer after i was honest about that. and it was weird because, if someone likes you and you don’t like them, you give them space. but space wasn’t given to me, and i didn’t care. we both promised that we would be friends no matter what. and i guess, as we hung out more and got to know each other better, her feelings for me grew. but as of now, she doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. 

so last night, i pressed her. do you do these things with your other friends? joke about fucking each other? cuddle all the time? touch them all the time? text them while you’re on facetime? no, you don’t, but we do. 

and setting these boundaries feels like we are breaking up. you can’t sleep over anymore, i don’t think we should cuddle anymore, maybe we shouldn’t carpool anymore (she asked, did it hurt you when i said we shouldn’t carpool anymore?). all the moments where it’s just the two of us, spending time together, is suddenly becoming a boundary. and it hurts. but if it means that we will remain friends, then that’s the thing that must be done. maybe we can’t go back, but we can definitely move forward and figure this out together. 

sometimes, you find that friend where you’re just so close, it’s unexplainable, and that’s ok. she asked me to be vulnerable with her, and i have been. but i need her to be vulnerable with me, too. and i wish she would open that part of her to me as i have to her. she’s afraid, but i can’t force her. i’ll just wait, not on the hope that we will be together, but that she will find the courage to be honest with what she’s feeling.

she said she needs to give me space, but i think it’s her who needs space from me to understand how she really feels about me. i hate doing this, but we talked about it. so if that’s what’s going to make things better, then i’m all for it. 

it’s just that i have never had a friend who cares about me so deeply as i do them. we have our other friends outside of one another, but never have i had a bond with someone like this before. she went and got me gel for my edges because she knew i didn’t know what to get. she checks in on me and includes me. she sticks up for me, defends me, comforts me when i’m sad. she makes time for me. 

she loves me as much as i love her, but she is afraid to say so. people are catching on, and she still cares what others think of her. i hate that, but i can’t control that because control is not love. 

how she feels about me is up to her, but her actions and words, in private at least, have shown that she cares deeply about me. 

if not me, then i hope the next person that comes along who loves her like i love her, she’ll be able to be vulnerable with them, to be honest in her feelings with them. 

growing pains are terrible.

school is hard

school is very hard, and i don’t feel adequate enough. i study very hard and put in the work, and i can’t get the questions right. i don’t know if it’s anxiety or just that i’m truly not smart enough. sometimes i feel that my school made a mistake letting me into the program. i’m pretty sure i’m at the bottom of my class. i already failed the first unit and am so scared that i am going to fail the second unit too. i only need a 66 to pass and a 70 on the lab exam, but i don’t even know if i can get that because my performance has been below a 65% on practice questions. 

i know i am capable of getting this degree, but i am just so scared to fail two units in a row. i would have to sit for a retake for two units, and i’m just so scared. i really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. i’m on medication too because i can’t focus without it unfortunately. that’s why i failed the first unit. i was all over the place. my memory escapes me, and i’m not sure if i’m just lowkey depressed about everything happening in my situation. 

i’m hoping for better, but i am just so scared. 

deeper

we’ve gotten significantly closer. 

she knew

my classmate and i went from not knowing one another to becoming classmates to finally becoming friends. and we have been friends since about august of last year. i realized i didn’t like her until this summer. the thing is, we started to hang out more. once school let out, we just hung out. She picked me up from the airport and offered for us to go to lunch together and then go to the mall afterwards to walk around. of course, i just wanted to go home, but spending time with someone is nice. I remember that day telling her that I had a date i was going on and that i was on a loos time limit since the date and i weren’t meeting until 7 pm. she was excited for me and wished me well. i sent her my location just in case anything went wonky, called her afterwards. 

she was talking to a guy too. at this point, i didn’t realize i had feelings for her. told her, just give him a chance, just see where things go, hang out with him. she obliged, told me how things went, didn’t really hear about the guy most of the summer because they stopped talking. 

i was talking to another guy, told her about it, she was happy, blah blah. 

soon, she and i started to hang out more often. talking on the phone and facetiming, planning hang outs together, literally spending all day together just doing nothing together. i started to feel differently about her. she wasn’t just a friend, maybe there was something more? the energy i was putting out was being received and reciprocated. and it was then that I knew i couldn’t tell her, that’s weird, i thought. we are friends, and probably nothing more. 

flash forward to last night. we’ve just finished our first exam of the second year of school, and i go to drop her off at her place, and i park my car, and we just sit and shit hits the fan. she’s yelling at me, asking why i would ask her about the guy she was talking to in front of another guy. he doesn’t care, i say, because he was high as hell. that doesn’t suede her, she presses more. why are you talking to my friends? what? our friends you mean, our classmates? yeah, why are you talking to them? do you wanna talk to them about me? excuse me? we are finally in person, i just want to get to know them. 

you’re acting weird! and you are too, i reply. your energy towards me is off, like you don’t wanna be bothered with me, like you’re mad at me about something. what have i done to you? 

we bicker and banter some more, raising our voices, clapping, seething, until i ask, is that all you want to say? yes, she says, is that all you want to say? well, i say, is there something you think i want to say? she says yes. i panic, does she know? 

i beat around the bush. i just like our friendship and we got really close over the summer, and i don’t wanna ruin it. you’re lying to me, she says, and i know it! if you’re not going to say it, i won’t bring it up, but i know. remember, she says, when you called me and said you wanted to talk to me about something? huh? yeah, and we sat in silence for 30 minutes! you don’t remember that? my panic goes away. i remember now. 

i put my head in my hands and stumble over words that never come easy. i caught feelings for you, i say. i like you, alot, and i didn’t want to ruin anything we already have with how i feel about you. 

I KNEW IT. I’VE BEEN RACKING MY MIND FOR A YEAR ABOUT THIS, IT DROVE ME CRAZY. huh? a year? yes, a year! i knew you liked me from jump, but you got with Nina and now you’re talking to this guy, and i just couldn’t place it. When I told you my friend was calling me because she had a crisis, I was the one with the crisis, i had to tell someone. why didn’t you tell me, i asked? because, she said, i didn’t want to bring it up if you weren’t ready to talk about it. but you knew this whole time, i said, and i was operating from the lens of oh, she doesn’t know, so i’m just gonna quietly take my feelings over here and work through them. 

well, we’re great friends, but i don’t feel that way, i’m not into women. and that’s fine, i say. i’d rather we be friends than nothing at all. i want you in my life. later on, i text her that i made it home, and she says, if you ever need to talk about something, please just tell me. i tell her the same thing. goodnight, goodnight. oh wait! our show, watch it. sure, but i’m going to bed i’ll catch up tomorrow. 

in conclusion, sometimes the person you like does know. and if they care about you, whether they feel the same way or not, they’ll want to work it out regardless. i’m still racking my mind about it, but we do care about each other in the same way, although along different paths.