I talked to my therapist about the THC drinks I've been obsessing over and decided I was just going to get them. Today is 11 months off weed. I've been obsessing over these specific drinks for months at this point and I've reached the end of my willpower. And maybe I just need to prove to myself I can't do it!
I wrote some rules and went over them with my therapist who has agreed to be part of my support system.
- I'm starting at 1mg. If it gives me anxiety I'm not allowed to increase the dose. Otherwise I can increase the dose but the same rule applies at every level.
- I can dose myself one (1) time per day.
- I can only dose myself at appropriate times ie: not before or during work, doctor's appointments, or if I'm going to be out and driving.
- I follow a 10 checkbox healthy habit chart every day. I must have a perfect score from the previous day and be on my way to a perfect score on the day of.
- I must write in my journal how I feel on the drug honestly.
- I must give a full report of my experiences to my therapist on a weekly basis.
- I must also tell 2 additional trusted people of my plan and actions.
- If following these rules causes me great distress, it's over.
- I am not allowed to change these rules until I talk to my therapist about it.
- If taking THC doesn't explicitly add something positive to my life--something I can articulate clearly--then it's over. Just being able to tolerate it is not enough.
- If I break any of these rules the experiment is over immediately and I must immediately rat on myself to my support system.
Here's the most important part: This Plan Will Fail. I will not be able to maintain these rules. Why? Because I'm a drug addict. I haven't suddenly cracked the code and figured out actually I can use drugs. I don't think I'll last the week. My main objective here is to stop obsessing about this THC drink by allowing myself to fail in a safe way. I tried it tonight and it's very nice so far.
