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hyperfixating on: dragon age

@thetapirsarehyperfixating

he/him | 20

Varric: And then the champion searched the adjacent crate. And then she searched the crate parallel to that one.

Cassandra: Enough! I do not need to know this useless information.

Varric: But Seeker, you’ll never guess what she found inside!

Cassandra: …what did she find?

Varric: A frayed rope.

Cassandra: UGH

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Anonymous asked:

Out of curiosity, what direction would you have taken Cullen's character in Inquisition? Or would you have included him at all? :3

oh man well

first of all i’m not sure i’m the best person to answer the question because i am profoundly uninterested in cullen. even in dao, his most cohesive appearance by a mile, where he features in my favourite origin, he um... he sure is there! he serves his narrative purpose! i don’t know what else to say

more in the spirit of actually answering your question, i think dragon age inquisition is as fundamentally incapable of making good use of cullen as a game that would make cullen part of its main squad inherently must be. dragon age inquisition is not capable of breaking down what is wrong with the templars, which is why you get... i don’t know why people call it a redemption arc even in quotation marks. he just shows up. he still supports the templars, and would rather you go to them, who shouted you down in the street, than the mages, who by all appearances straight up invite you over. he has not had to face the consequences of his work in the templar order or his treatment of mages; for all intents and purposes, from his perspective, all he did wrong was not notice that his knight-commander was an anomaly who was crazy. he is fundamentally the exact same guy who told me to my face mages were not people, except he’s polite about it now, because this is dragon age inquisition and we all just need to shut up and come together to defeat the Real Problems. it is completely canonically possible for him to have taken part in two circle annulments, one of which he personally instigated. dragon age inquisition does not care!

so to take cullen in a decent direction for his character—if you insisted on bothering to include him in yet another game at all—you would have to be writing him in a different game than the one where the hero has no choice but to lead an organisation with cassandra and cullen at their side, where every challenge to that organisation’s divine purpose is laughed off. (meanwhile one seemingly humble elven apostate, who actually has entirely other concerns, is the only compulsory mage. no rebel aligned mages are even optional companions in the game.)

i am interested in what it would theoretically take to write a compelling ex templar character. my own inquisitor is an ex templar! dragon age is a series designed to challenge your ideas of what backgrounds allies can come from, and designed to throw in your face that, for better or worse, good or evil, everyone on every side is also a person who believes they have their own reasons to do what they do. but if you wanted the ex templar character to be cullen, you have to challenge the foundations of his beliefs as a templar. you have to make him... actually regret being a templar? criticise the templars for anything other than imperfect service to the chantry and impolite wording of their deadly prejudices? you might even want to consider centring his personal quest on, hey, the terrible things he’s done and believed, not on the harm to the poor little stoic self-sacrificing templars

sorry this is coming across a little aggressive. you see why i’m the wrong person for the job. i don’t like cullen and he was an antagonistic force in the previous two games who my characters felt personally threatened by. i don’t see why i have to swallow that he’s one of the good guys now without him facing a single consequence, much like cassandra, who was introduced interrogating my friend. (but hey, this religious army has good intentions!) and i certainly don’t see why you would not only do all that but make him the face of a ludicrously flat, wish fulfillment romance only available for women of the conventionally attractive races (available for circle mages! with a throwaway line about how she’s not like the other girls to address it!) to get straight married and settle down with a dog and a picket fence. (i’m not saying there is no place for wish fulfillment romances whose only stumbling block is cutesy awkwardness. but that’s not what dragon age is for! where’s the teeth! it’s representative of a wider tone change in dai that i deeply dislike and if i get onto it i’m going to make this post so long. and with this man?)

idk i think cullen should have been the rogue templar breaking rules to hunt wardens in awakening and sigrun should’ve got to cut his head off. the end. that’s my ideal. sorry again

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I've got an "Anders looks amazing in his warden uniform" brainworm today

° ° °

"Blondie, what's with the uniform?" Varric asked the moment Anders entered his suite for game night at the Hanged Man.

"It's the only clean set of clothes I have right now." He looked down on himself and added, "It feels weird to wear it again."

Isabela trailed her gaze slowly up and down Anders's body, interest sparking in her eyes.

"You should wear it more often, though. If not for me, then for Hawke," she looked to her right where Hawke was sitting, eyes fixed on Anders like his life depended on it, "He'll start drooling any moment now."

Hawke felt his face heat up with embarrassment but feared that if he opened his mouth to protest he might actually moan and embarass himself even more. So for now he tore his gaze away from Anders (with great difficulty) and pretended that the dirty table in front of him was so very interesting.

Isabela wasn't done having fun at his expense, unfortunately.

"I think you singlehandedly gave him an uniform kink," she snickered, "Mm, do turn around, Warden Anders."

Hawke couldn't help sneaking a peek when Anders actually turned around, much to Hawke's surprise. And oh was that a mistake. The uniform accented his broad shoulders, slim waist and hips, and his oh so very long legs. Hawke was fairly sure his desire was painfully obvious, both on his face and in his pants. And if Isabela's continuous chuckles were any indication, he was probably panting like a dog, mouth open and all that.

Thankfully the tabard covered Anders's ass so Hawke couldn't see it in all of its firm glory, hugged by skin-tight pants.

"Oh, a sovereign!" Anders exclaimed and bent over to pick up the gold coin off the Hanged Man's floor.

Hawke let out a string of curses and a guttural groan and his head hit the table in defeat. Isabela's loud laugh rang through the room. So much for not embarrassing himself.

  • None of them are gonna be physically violent
  • The Reddit users are going to judge you if you express any religious or “unscientific” sentiment
  • The Catholics run the gamut from “hardcore pro-lifer” to “Nun who invented communism”
  • The Protestants have brought lots of food but are going to proselytize the entire time you eat
  • The crystalists are split 60/40 on whether or not vaccines cause autism, and you don’t know who has the majority until you’ve been there an hour
  • The Anglophiles have good pastries, but 1/3 of them are in Sherlock cosplay
  • The girlbosses are all within 10° to the left of the center of the political spectrum and will try very hard to get you to invest in their MLM
  • The vegans brought food but will turn hostile if you let slip that you’ve used animal products in the last year
  • The reenactors have booze, but your phone is dead and they’re giving a very pro-America history lecture
  • The influencers have a pool, a jacuzzi, and lots of drugs, but they have a combined net worth that teaches seven digits and won’t let you forget it
  • The retirees have great weed but they’re gonna ask you a lot of invasive questions and give you a lot of unsolicited advice.
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between nathaniel and oghren’s braids and how much anders and velanna care about their appearances how long do you think justice and sigrun have to wait every morning for everyone else to do their hair

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over the distant sounds of “if you GIRLS don’t get away from the mirrors so i can do my braids” “alright which mage shrunk all my hairties. anders” “it wasn’t me!!! ask velanna” “don’t be ridiculous. and don’t—STOP it don’t look at me before i’m finished. i said don’t LOOK at me!” we cut to the hallway outside with a cheery “justice your skin is peeling again! wait don’t touch it. wait no do i want to see what happens”. the warden-commander turns round and goes back to bed

Anyways my ultimate vision for Varric has always been "super morally bankrupt guy who also just happens to keep doing objectively morally good things not because he's a good person or has good intentions but because if he loves someone he will do basically anything they ask of him because fortunately most of the people he loves actually are good people". Does that make sense.

And this is why the post-Trespasser corrupt politician end game is ideal for me. He's making insane ethical breaches all the fucking time but no one can call him on it because the people getting personal favors keep using those personal favors to like, feed the poor.

The Kirkwall Alienage is like the nicest Alienage in all of Thedas because every other month the Alienage elder shows up at the Viscount's Keep with her baby and a packed lunch and is like "hiiiiii can you tell Varric that Daisy is here :)? He's not expecting me it's a surprise" and he immediately clears his schedule no matter what and then she leaves his office four hours later with everything she asked for and more plus a little walking around money (like six sovereigns) and a check for Junior's college fund. And then he just goes right back to laundering Carta money.