Blackeyed Susan

The beauty of your smile and the sound of your voice bounce around in my head. The urge to pick all of these flowers and bring them to you, still has my heart giddy with excitement in just watching your face light up when the entirety of my love for you cascades down upon your desk as everyone watches you react to the thoughtful gift I give to you, out of pure unadulterated and passionate love for you.

I cant do that now. One of my favorite things to do has been taken from me. Another favorite thing of mine shattered to its core. No one else deserves my love, especially that. No one else is worthy of that, Perhaps some day I will find joy in giving someone else flowers, but it will never be the same.

I hope someone has taken the time to give you flowers since you left, I hope their heart felt amazing when they saw your face, knowing they had done it out of love for you and watching you light up. I hope they appreciate you. I hope they love you. And I hope you now know what it means to have someone truly love you if someone is not. I also hope every time you see a flower or are given flowers that you think of me. Not out of conceit but because you know what real love is now, because of me and you deserved to know how special you are in every way. I hope you realize that now.

This is a photo I took to capture the beauty I saw. For you.

I was and am lucky. I was able to experience what it was like to be truly loved and admired and trusted by you. I am eternally grateful I was able to be the happiest I have ever been because of you. You were and are the prettiest woman who has ever thought me worthy of them. You will always be my most beautiful woman in the world and eternally a part of my soul. Thank you for loving me how you could.

I remember thinking she still talks to the guy who mentally abused her and updates him on the kids and let's him still verbally abuse her, so I spoke my mind and told her she has to block him and ignore him for her own well being. It took her two years to block him. I didn't force it, I just expressed my concerns rather strongly.

She broke up with me and has ignored me almost the entire year we have been apart. I tried to still be friends, but she couldn't handle it. I'm guessing it's because I'm not him begging for attention and verbally abusing her. Because I'm too nice and too normal. Trauma responses feed off of trauma bonding. That's why she couldn't block him but can ignore me and doesn't want me in her life. She couldn't handle being truly loved in a normal sense. Healthy relationship stuff can't be processed.

I still love her. I'd still have her back in my life, but with boundaries and an insistence on growth for the both of us. I want the best for her. And that's just not something she was used to. Sure I failed in a few ways and I wasn't perfect, I just wasn't able to love her hard enough to not be a concern for her future. Unlike her trauma, which was at least consistent. I hope she's happy. I miss her. She was one of the best humans I've ever loved and I wish things were different. I don't deserve to be let go entirely. And my value as a person should not have been determined this way. Unfortunately, I let my abandonment issues define my worth for the last year.

If you keep thinking tomorrow's going to suck it will. If you keep thinking tomorrow they won't be this or that, they won't. And if you keep thinking like that instead of living in the now, you'll never be happy.

I haven't had sex in over a year. No one will ever be you and I've found myself turning my head at every black explorer and red head, hoping. I haven't dated. Have no interest. They will never be you. I'll die single because the love I have isn't for anyone else and never has been since I've met you. Why didnt you want to work this out? Sigh. Zoloft helped, but ultimately nothing really helps except having you. I hope I live a long enough life to see what happiness really meant to you. And I hope you are able to determine what that really was.

I really miss waking up and wondering what you had planned for the day. The little things you always did. The goals you had for yourself and me wondering how I could give them to you. If you had only waited. I'm looking at sheets and furniture and homey kind of stuff, and I can't buy any of them because all I can think of is how I should be looking at these things with you, buying them for our house. If only you waited. If only. All this time on my hands and the year went by like nothing. If only...

Every day is another day closer to never being able to touch you again. Breathe. Love. Care.

Something not many talk about is the absence of purpose when someone breaks your heart. While in love with someone, your purpose is something akin to devotion to thinking about the person who loves you in oh so many ways. And when the relationship ends, finding a purpose for how one thinks and lives becomes difficult.

Something I said when during the breakup was "you were my purpose". She didn't want to hear that I'm sure, because it made doing what she felt she needed to harder. My entire day, my reason for waking with a smile to going to sleep with dreams of our future were because of her. Why I worked, why I went to college, why I kept my weaknesses in check, why I yearned for happier times for us, all became my purpose.

When that gets taken away, there's a large void created. And redirecting that towards yourself, well it seems incredibly selfish and awkward. Some say we should never let ourselves get so lost in someone that we become so devoted, because we often lose ourselves. I say that love needs this connection to purpose because why else would we want to love someone else so hard? I'm not ashamed I was lost when it ended. And I am still finding it hard to implement a purpose for me. Be kind to your single friends. This is a difficult process and we have lost everything that made us happy. Single friends are not easily forgetting their purpose that was then by inserting thing to do here, they are sitting in solitary and often quiet space trying to come up with a real purpose once again.

Loving yourself is super hard. Especially when your purpose that was tied to doesn't want you anymore and is no longer your everything. This month is men's mental health month. Please check on your friends and loved ones.

Much love

Just me being me