one time a guy i know whose girlfriend was heavily pregnant didn’t tweet anything for a whole day so i texted him ‘congrats on your baby’ and made him think i had some kind of baby precognition 

like six months after that just after halloween i asked to see his son dressed as a ‘fat baby pumpkin’ and he was like ‘who told you’ and i said ‘no one. it’s halloween. you have a fat baby. he’s going to be a pumpkin’ 

bbc sherlock wants what i have

*baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws* *baps you with my paws*

Reblog to bap the person you reblogged from with your paws

me: haha oh god this is so bad im making so many unsupported claims and pulling all this analysis out of my ass

my prof in the margins: excellent analysis!

me: 

when i was in high school i used to write my papers thinking wow i’m just bullshitting all of this. then like a week before my senior year ended after all the grades were set, i was talking to my english teacher and told him you know i just bullshitted every paper i wrote. he told me that while i may have thought i was just pulling it all out of my ass, i genuinely knew what i was talking about and made well-supported analyses. i only thought i was bullshitting because it didn’t take much effort and it all seemed obvious to me. if you do well on your essays even though you think you’re just making it up as you go, chances are you’re not pulling it out of your ass. you’re just a genuinely talented analyst, even if the analysis that you’re making comes from a subconscious understanding of the material rather than a conscious effort to study it. give yourself some credit. 

anything you pull out of your ass had to get there somehow

Anything you pull out of your ass had to get there somehow

@shitpostsampler 

This feels like someone knocking on my door and saying "Welcome to the neighbourhood!" even though I've lived here for over 15 years

I feel at home already

@roadwrkahead

And as we all know, everyone in Scotland just loved Thatcher. We would hate to see her legacy ruined🙄

Fuck knows I need this because my stupid fucking brain has no real concept of time

(x)(x)

This is both a demonstration and an explanation

Tumblr users seeing a news article about how people in Enemy Countries™ are actually normal human beings with human organs and emotions: 🤨🤨🤨Source? Proof? Are we sure this isn't biased? Is this maybe an attempt by Enemy Country™ to deceive us? Be careful of everything you read guys. Be careful of disinformatsiya (disinformation but scary and foreign)!

Tumblr users seeing a news article from Im Fucking Love Popular Science News Daily titled "SCIENTISTS are putting TORTURED monkey brains inside jars inside BUZZSAW drones to HUNT you down!!!1!": Oh my god oh my god holy fuck this is just like Divergent (2014) guys the torture nexus? They're building the torture nexus???? Does anyone know if it's safe to leave the house? Guys we have to stop Scientists, we have to come up with some wacky ewok traps to fight these fucking death robots guys. Guys. Be safe out there please. 😧

The technology that people think is going to destroy their life: neural network image generators, scream-detecting quadrotor drones, dog robots with guns on their backs, airplane mounted laser weaponry, robotic bees replacing pollinators, failing nuclear reactors, self driving cars that elect to save their billionaire passenger instead of the pedestrian

Technology that will probably actually destroy your life: the self driving car driven by a divorced dentist not recognizing your bicycle because it sucks, the algorithm that determines you are "drug-seeking" because you need two kinds of pain medication, your nosy neighbors Ring doorbell catching you smoking weed on your patio, the old mine tailings pond retention dam that sits above your drinking water, the giant server somewhere in Virginia that contains every post you've ever made in your life, and if you're really unlucky, a new type of 3-5% deadlier artillery round or the new version of a military service rifle that's been in use for 50 years running.

I understand being scared, I understand that every new and painfully real headline seems more outlandish than the last, but the miserable truth is that the scariest things in the modern world are deeply fuckin banal.

Jeffrey Epstein didn't smuggle children in Wayfair cabinets he just lured naive teenagers with a promise of a well paying job. Russian spies didn't elect President Trump, a dogshit electoral college originally designed to uphold slavery and aristocratic control did. You're not going to get kidnapped by a genius serial killer in a white van, you're going to get hit and run by a drunk driver and insurance is going to fight you on coverage. Your world is more likely to be turned upside down by a technical glitch in the app that handles your rent payments than some Skynet shit. It's scary out there. But the least you can do is be scared of the actual things that endanger you.

painfully true

Imagine saying "where sweets are baked, not bought" about the decade that invented blue raspberry

hang on I gotta post something two weeks late and in poor taste

Pipe expanding machine

“Red is the first color of the rainbow” - Pro-LGBT propaganda poster from Filipino communists (c. 2019)

Artist: Emiliana Kampilan

Tumblr is unique bc like. It's collaborative shitposting and you can't opt in or out. You can just say something about your day then an evil wizard shows up to turn your post into something humorous

Every other site is just one and done, but here a post is a welcome mat to be funnier than you

yeah or sometimes you’ll see a post that hacks into your brain and forever rewrites your instinctual reaction to seeing a pineapple explode

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

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