TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a sweeping effort to curtail what he called “woke gender ideology,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a new bill into law Wednesday banning men from becoming nurses. “Imagine how disturbed a child would be at the doctor’s office if a nurse stepped into the room to take their temperature and it was a man—how would a parent even begin to explain that?” said DeSantis, who slammed the practice of letting men work in the field of nursing as “biologically unnatural” and “pure lunacy, plain and simple.”
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Expressing concern that he might have played up his facility with witchcraft and dark magic at the expense of other qualifications, local man Timothy Sellers told reporters Tuesday that he might have mentioned sorcery a few too many times during a recent job interview. “It seemed to go pretty well, but maybe I should have made fewer references to the various arcane and esoteric rites I have mastered,” said Sellers, wondering aloud whether it would have been better to include Photoshop and Excel on his résumé’s special skills section instead of necromancy and incantations.
WASHINGTON—In response to the ongoing loneliness epidemic in the United States, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned Americans Monday that they should avoid becoming so lonely that they cry a little when someone washes their hair at the salon. “Whenever possible, we highly recommend preventing an escalation of any individual’s loneliness to the point that a gentle rubbing of the scalp by another human’s fingers makes them cry,” said Murthy, who sported a fresh new haircut and red puffy eyes as he pleaded with Americans to “be proactive about addressing their feelings of isolation and despondency before the very concept of human touch becomes lost to them, and their body no longer recognizes the sensation.”
SARASOTA, FL—Gasping with joy as his father revealed the graduation gift, local wealthy child Scott Hoffman thanked his parents Tuesday after they surprised him with a judge who would let him off the hook for future rape accusations. “Oh man, this is the best present ever—thank you, thank you, thank you Mom and Dad!” said an elated Hoffman, who jumped up and down, sprinted out the door of his house, and immediately began inspecting the 76-year-old state court judge who would ensure that multiple sexual assault accusations against him were dropped.
PORTLAND, ME—Asserting that the correlations were there if you just paid attention, local conspiracy theorist Paul McLaughlin was reportedly convinced Wednesday that the entire universe was connected with God’s abundant love. “Just look around, and you’ll see that this goes all the way to the big guy upstairs,” said the conspiracy monger, urging listeners to connect the dots and see that stars of the cosmos were united with the Supreme Deity’s overflowing affection for all of Creation.
LOS ANGELES—Awestruck bystanders at a violent police altercation Thursday reported that one local cop looked like John Wick out there with those unarmed kids. “That cop was like, bam! bam! bam! Just one perfect headshot after another,” one onlooker said as fellow passersby standing amid the dead bodies of innocent teenagers agreed that they hadn’t seen somebody mow down their enemies with such calm and precision since the nightclub scene in John Wick: Chapter 4.
WASHINGTON—Picking up thousands of incapacitated Americans by their wrists and ankles and tossing them down to the sidewalks below, Covid-19 patients were reportedly flung out of hospital windows across the country Thursday as the public emergency officially ended. “Well, thank God that’s over,” said ICU head nurse Mikayla Hecht, who ripped a breathing tube out of an elderly patient’s mouth and hoisted the man onto her shoulder as she carried him toward the open window, making a mental note to chuck all of the ventilators out the window for good measure.
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to provide students with everything they need to know about sexual development, sexual intercourse, and pregnancy, an updated sex ed curriculum instituted Wednesday across Texas instructed children how to stone whores. “The new and improved sex education guidelines will provide comprehensive information on how to identify harlots and execute them for their disgusting, lustful ways,” said Texas Commissioner of Education Mike Morath, adding that the course would teach students at both the middle school and high school level why loose, sexually deviant women were a scourge on society, and why they must pay the ultimate price.
MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s candies would now act as an abortion pill. “If you need to terminate a pregnancy in a state where it is legally impossible to do so, then, statistically speaking, you could just consume five or six fun-size bags of M&M’s,” said Mars CEO Poul Weihrauch, who confirmed that 1% of all of the company’s signature candy-coated chocolates contained a 200-milligram dose of progesterone-blocking mifepristone, which would cause the uterine lining of the M&M consumer to break down.
The coronavirus that spread across the United States and became a pandemic in March 2020 will go down as one of the most difficult times in our nation’s history. Nearly every American experienced significant disruptions to their daily lives, with financial issues and physical isolation often leaving permanent scars. It was a terrible time, and one we will never forget. Today, however, things are looking up. President Biden recently declared that Covid is no longer a national emergency. What does that mean? Well, I’ll tell you.
We are post-pandemic. We are immortal. Those still alive cannot die.
It is time to bask in the knowledge that we have defeated the feverish viral scourge. Go forth without fear, because those malevolent RNA intruders can harm you no longer. You are the chosen Americans. The virus has been banished from every corner of our great nation, even stupid fucking Arkansas, who never listened to me, and you have emerged from the other side as survivors. Join me in celebrating mask-less in a very crowded room, my friends, for nothing—nothing—can take your life now.
SHREVEPORT, LA—Writing his 10th consecutive post on a Telegram channel dedicated to the men’s rights movement, local resident Gabe Gearhardt, who googled “how to kiss” two years ago, is currently in the midst of a full-blown misogynist tirade, sources stated Tuesday. According to reports, in 2021, Gearhardt earnestly sought advice about kissing in a manner that his date might find pleasurable, and he is now furiously typing a screed in which he maintains that society unfairly privileges women, who he says are too emotional to be the intellectual equals of men.
SEATTLE—Feeling depressed in the midst of several recent personal and professional setbacks, local man Adam Jackson reportedly reminded himself Monday that he was merely going through a phase in which his life was imploding and it was all downhill from here. “I need to remember that everything happens for a reason, and even though times are rough right now, they will soon get a lot worse,” said the newly unemployed, divorced, and evicted 38-year-old, assuring himself that this series of grave misfortunes was most likely only a brief chapter in a long saga of misery and despair that would continue until the day of his death.
LAS VEGAS—Debuting the high-budget sequel at this year’s CinemaCon, director Dennis Villeneuve confirmed Wednesday that Dune: Part Two will pick up right where viewers fell asleep during the first one. “I think audiences are going to love this installment, which continues the epic tale from the exact moment 30 minutes into the first Dune that everyone fell asleep,” said the Canadian director, adding that movie fans who didn’t yet see the first film will be able watch this one without missing a beat since audiences fell asleep very early into the two-and-a-half hour film.
BOSTON—Insisting that the former talk show host make amends for the real harm she had caused, laser-focused liberal Greg Lomax was reportedly still devoting all his attention this week to getting Ellen DeGeneres to apologize. “Until the day I die, I will not veer in my mission to see her issue a sincere apology for creating a toxic workplace,” said the determined liberal man, whose years-long campaign to see the television personality honestly reckon with her actions had taken precedence over climate change, voting rights, immigration reform, and dozens of other national issues.
