MICHELE MORRONE & SIMONE SUSINNA “The Next 365 Days” — dir. Barbara Białowąs & Tomasz Mandes (2022)
♡ 365 days of delena ♡ ↳ (152/365)
— 1.17 | Let The Right One In
"looking at someone you love look at someone they love the way you look at them is one of the worst feelings your heart could ever endure."
October 23, 2021
Dear E,
It's currently 10:21am and I am listening to Opera House by Cigarettes After Sex. I know, I know. I listen to it a lot and you don't like it all that much, but it calms me, all right?
I must admit that it feels as if I'm riding a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. I keep playing the last twelve hours on repeat in my head-- from the moment you showed up at my doorstep, to the moment we departed our ways and everything else in between. My heart aches at the remembrance of you whispering goodbye just before you let me go of your embrace, but then my mind begins to drift to the same memory, just moments later, when I'm backing out of my driveway and I see you open the door of your car to wave goodbye like a person waving a white surrender flag, except only with a frown on their face and puppy dog eyes.
Then my mind begins to wander even more-- taking me back to relive one of the happiest moments of my life; when you grabbed my hand to dance with you, how you caressed my face and tussled my hair, and the moment you "accidentally" kissed me on the cheek, but also the corner of my mouth. That was my favorite, but oddly enough, although these are all great moments and memories I hope live on forever in my head, they are also causing me so much pain. I believe of all the people I confide in, you are the only person that would understand me as I say: "I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
I want to bawl my eyes out, but I can't tell if it'll be tears of joy or just tears. I guess what I'm trying to say is: You're the reason I'm feeling this way. I'm conflicted and I hate the situation we're in. Not only do we live far apart, you also have a boyfriend. And as rude and selfish as this may come off, I'm not sorry to say that it's not going to last. Not just with him, but for others to come. I say this because when I look at you and I see the way you look at me, I can't help but think, or rather want to believe, that you don't look at others the way you look at me-- with such passion and desire in your eyes with a hint of pride and appreciation that I'm taking time out of my life to be next to you.
Call me crazy, but when I make you laugh and smile and look back into your eyes, I see a future with you. I see myself making you a horrible breakfast as you get ready for work. I see myself watching movies we've watched over a dozen times. I see myself eating s'mores with you and kissing marshmallow off the corner of your mouth. I even see us arguing, because what relationship isn't healthy without a good debate?
I'm sorry. I know this is a lot to handle, but my chest is heavy with the things I wish to say to you in person, and it doesn't help that I am not brave enough to do so. I've been let down and disappointed and taken advantage of way too much that it's awfully difficult for me to be vulnerable with anyone these days. And I say this because I'm sure you don't feel the same, but I'm used to unrequited love and I thought I'd tell you all this anyway because what more could I lose? And furthermore, I bet saying all this won't make a difference.
You must be wondering, "Why me?" Well, that's a good question because I also wonder the same thing. I guess you could say it's a love/hate thing. I love and I hate that you understand me on a deeper level than most people I've tried to date. I feel as if you know what I'm thinking most of the time and you know why I'm thinking it which is also another thing I love and hate about you.
I love and hate that you do and don't get jealous. I love how we can be people watching and you don't mind me pointing out another attractive guy. "Go get his number," you'll say, but I know deep down you just want me all to yourself and perhaps it's just a test to see how I'll react to your comment.
And one thing that I love, but don't hate about you is that I can be entirely myself around you without feeling any judgement. I can honestly say that I am who I am with you when I am by my lonesome-- playing stupid songs (you know which ones), dancing in my car, singing at the top of my lungs, and acting like a fool. I hope you know that not many people, if any, ever get to see that side of me, especially sober.
But I think what I especially admire about you is that you try your absolute best to make the people around you happy or at least lift up their mood, even if you barely know them. I am specifically talking about the moment when you overheard J and I talking about how we thought our friend T was upset. Immediately, you pranced and skipped your way toward him to dance in front of him and hold his hand. I turned to J and said, "Look at him holding hands with T, trying to make him feel better. That makes me so happy."
"I'm glad he's doing that too. That's so nice," she said.
And as I watched you two holding hands the rest of the way to his T's truck, my heart couldn't help but smile from rib to rib. It's very difficult to find someone as selfless and kind as you and I hope that you never change that about yourself.
As a man of many words, it's funny and quite ironic to say that you left me speechless last night. When I opened the door and saw you on my porch, I wanted to tell you how beautiful I thought you looked from head to toe-- from the freshly cut gelled up hair, right down to the Sperry's and everything else in between: your warm cologne, the bright white smile and the dimples that compliment your face, the button-up T-shirt and your torn up blue jeans. All night, I just wanted to shower you with compliments and as inappropriate as this sounds, lick your entire veiny forearm (sorry, not sorry) and the most obvious-- kiss you, but I behaved...
Writing all this to you and thinking out loud, I think I finally realize what's hurting me so much is the sudden realization that it's a lot harder being your friend than I thought. And no, I'm not saying we shouldn't try being friends either because these last few months talking to you again, makes my life such a little less. and I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than nothing at all, even if it hurts seeing you happy with someone else. Although that hasn't happened yet, that can be future me's problem. I'm just hopeful that it won't hurt, but I'm also preparing myself for the worst.
Maybe I'm just putting you on a higher pedestal than I'd like, but I believe you deserve so much and I also feel like I don't have enough to offer. As I said before, I don't even know if you feel a bit just the same for me. And I guess I am sorry for what I said earlier about your doomed relationships. I just really want to be a first choice for once. I think that's all it is. I'm tired of being everyone's (especially your's) second choice. I feel all these things for you and it saddens me that I can't have you. You're my number one, but who am I to you? Please tell me this isn't some petty game for choosing my ex over you nine years ago...
I wasn't sure I wanted to tell you this, but a few minutes after we dropped of J to her car, I started to cry. Very much so for the same reason I started to cry during this litter. There's just so many moments in my life, even now, that I get into this really bad state of depression and feel this sense of loneliness even when I'm not alone. Sometimes, I merely want to give up on anything and everything. Then there's times when I become numb-- now, that's a different kind of depression. And during those times, I get into this state of mind that makes me feel nothing at all. And yes some people may argue that that is a good thing, but I beg to differ. Yes, you don't feel any pain, sadness, guilts, shames, or even stress, but you also don't feel joy, happiness, contentedness, love... you just feel, well, empty. You sacrifice the good emotions too when you're feeling numb. The only "feeling" you feel is this massive never-ending pit in your stomach that no amount of sleep, food, water, emotion, or drug can fulfill that hunger. It's just pure emptiness-- an abyss full of nothingness. I don't wish it upon anyone and I hate that I feel this way too from time to time.
I only bring this up to let you know that you are one of the fewest people in my life that fill that dark empty pit inside of me. In times of me feeling nothing, you make me feel something. I could be stressed from my day and you don't even have to try and you'll make me feel better. I could be sad or feeling hopeless and somehow you know all the right words to say. I could be feeling lonely and even if we're ten feet apart from each other, sitting in silence, that would be good enough for me because your presence is all I really need to be happy. I'm just glad to have you in my life.
But then again, happy memories and fun times can sometimes be a double-edged sword. They make me happy, but sad at the same time because it's only a moment, a brief time and period in which I'm on cloud nine for hours, but feels like minutes, and I know I will crave for more in the future-- crave more of you. So, I do what I do best, and shove those bad thoughts to the back of my brain, but I wasn't strong enough and I suppose those bad thoughts pushed back in the form of tears as I remembered that you probably don't feel the same.
Don't get me wrong, I had such a great time last night-- amazing actually. I can't believe I went to a gay bar with you for the very first time and that we did it together. I can't remember the last time I went to one. It must have been over six years since. And although I wanted to do so many things when we got home, I'm glad we didn't. Plus, it was kind of cute taking care of you all drunk and loopy. How you ended up shirtless and pants unbuttoned in the backseat of my car is beyond my knowledge, but I made sure to put you in my spare bedroom with plenty of fluffy pillows and warm blankets.
And as you slept, I pondered on the idea of how much time can really be a bitch. You know, the whole "Right person, wrong time" bullshit? Let's say that is true for a second, and perhaps I'm not wrong when I say that we're meant for each other or how crazy I am for being a hopeless romantic, and by some miracle you do feel the same and the universe indeed does have great things planned for us, well, I just wanted to let you know that I think you'll be worth the wait.
I really hope I can be your first choice someday...
Love (always), B
PS Don't hate me.
