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Actually Gone

Bang Chan x Reader

Type - ANGST

Warnings - SADDNESS

Requested - yes

Summary - I can’t believe you’re actually gone… (A/n - Whole FUCK. I cried the whole time I wrote this. This is actually my biggest fear ever. I had to stop writing so many times just cause I was crying too much. I don’t even think it’s that sad, but like I said, it’s just one of my fears. I think it’s partly cause I’ve already lost someone but still…)

~~

“Daddy, where’s mommy?” Chris heard his four year old son ask while pulling on his sleeve. He looked down to see the boy pouting.

“She’s not here. We can go visit her if you want.” He tried to smile but it was hard to do so. The little boy, Noah, smiled and bounced up and down.

“Yes!” Chan put his hand on Noah’s head and got up from his work. He walked into the kitchen to see some of the members.

“We’re going to visit (Y/n), wanna join?” He asked, trying his absolute hardest not to cry.  Woojin, Hyunjin, and Minho nodded. The rest of the boys were already out for the day. After grabbing a snack for Noah, they were on their way.

It didn’t take long to reach their destination. A small cemetery just on the outskirts of my home town. Chris gripped the steering wheel and took a deep breath to get himself ready once more before stepping out of his car. He helped his son out of the carseat and held his hand as the five of them walked towards the grave yard.

“What are we doing here daddy?” Noah asked while looking around.

“We’re visiting mommy.” He whispered while squeezing his hand lightly. They all soon stopped in front of a grave. It had my birthday and date of death, as well as my full name and a small quote. Chan knelled down and took another deep breath.

“Well, do you have anything you want to tell her?” He choked out with tears in his eyes. Noah sat down in his fathers lap and grabbed his hands.

“I love you mommy.” He whispered. Chan wrapped his arms around his boy and held his close, placing his forehead on his shoulder while crying silently.

“Chan,” Woojin started, placing a hand on his shoulder to bring him out of his head and making him look up, “We’re going to give you some time alone.” Chan nodded and turned to his boy.

“Go with Uncle Woojin, okay? I’ll follow you in a few minutes.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m just going to say goodbye to mommy real quick.” With that, Noah got up and placed a kiss on his dads cheek before grabbing Woojin and Hyunjins hands to walk away. Minho looked at the boy who now sat alone in front of my grave for a second before turning and giving his his privacy.

“I can’t believe you’re actually gone.” He whispered, his eyes never leaving the ground, “I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish you were still here with me. I wish you weren’t taken from me so soon. God, we had so many plans. We wanted to watch Noah grow up. We wanted to grow old together and laugh about how stupid we were when we were young.” He paused. “I wish I could hold you again. I wish I could kiss you just one last time.” Another pause. “You know, we moved back in with the guys? They said they wanted to keep an eye on me to make sure I was okay. They knew how much I love you and how hard this is for me. I don’t think Noah fully grasps the idea that you’re gone, but that’s probably a good thing.” He took a shaky breath before looking up to the bright blue sky. It wasn’t fair that the day was so happy and bright when he was suffering this much. “I know you’re up in heaven, helping out and doing angel things. You were my angel for so long and now you’re an actual one. What a glow up.” He tried to joke around, but it didn’t work.

“I miss you so much.” A warmth was felt on his chin as he looked towards the viburnum bush next to my grave. Viburnums were my favorite flower. That same warmth that was felt on his chin seemed to hold him tightly. For a second he sat still, tears flooding his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. That second passed and he covered his face with his hands.

“I love you.” He barley got out, “I love you now and I always will. I promise to always take care of Noah for you, for us. God, every time I see him I see you. It’s unreal how similar you two look some times. I won’t let him die like you. I swear I won’t let him.” As if he imagined it, he heard ‘I love you’ floating in the wind. He heard my voice calling out to him to say be strong and to tell him I’d always be with him. So he pieced himself back together and stood up. With one last whisper of ‘I love you’, he made his way back to the car. Minho was in the drivers seat so he climbed into the spot next to him.

“Noah, I want you to know your mom and I both love you so very much.”

“I know daddy! I love you too!” Chan smiled weakly and turned back around as the car began to move.