hey sorry i acted weird the other day i was trying so hard to act normal that it backfired

hate it when the people who I love are suffering due to circumstances beyond my control 👎 there should be a sea monster that I can slay to fix the problem

“Cats don’t actually love you”

A cat is a small creature in the middle of the food chain that is fully aware that you are a very large thing that could stomp its head in at any moment and yet it chooses to rest its tiny little head on your leg for a nap and spreads out on the floor near you exposing its belly and its most sensitive organs. It brings dead mice and bugs to you to share food.

Don’t you get it? This tiny thing trusts you. It wants to help you too. It licks your leg thinking that it’s helping. It kneads on you to find comfort. It shares its body warmth with you in the cold and gives you your space in the heat. It hisses at other mammals it sees outside including other cats in an effort to protect its family.

Cats love you so so much. But they will keep trying to eat plastic.

Am I high is this a real post I'm seeing

#okay but to be fair elmo is three years old and clearly lives alone so idk#maybe some people think all of the sesame street characters are preschoolers#they're very obviously gay tho like there's no doubt about that

Social services have utterly failed Elmo

Okay but they're not even right about that. Elmo doesn't live alone!! He has parents!!!

SICK AND TIRED OF THE FAKE FANS ON THIS WEBSITE

and yet he's still trapped. what did he gain

His dignity

Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed Thursday to make measles deaths so common that they wouldn’t be upsetting anymore. “When President Trump appointed me, I pledged to desensitize Americans to preventable death by making it such a normal, everyday occurrence that people would just shrug it off,” said Kennedy, who added that the current epidemic, which is considered Texas’ largest in 30 years, was the first step to one day fully numbing citizens to the experience of watching each other die painful measles-related deaths.

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You've heard of "big tiddy goth girlfriend"

Get ready for the next big thing

Now in gender neutral! Cleavage power!

sometimes reading the comments is worth it

(tiktok)

cool, calm and collected strongwoman queen, gabi dixson 👑 with the 330lbs per hand

Dentist confessional. Like, forgive me doctor for I have sinned. I have partaken of the wine. Not only that, but the coffee and the tea. I consume carbonated beverages regularly. I eat sweets such as saltwater taffy and caramels. On the weekend, if I sleep in, I only brush my teeth at night. And then the dentist is like, "and are you flossing, my child?" and they just have to look away

One time the dentist asked me if I was flossing and I said "ehhhh, like once a month" and he got HILARIOUSLY mad and he was like "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIE!!!!!!!!!!!" and the hygienist and I absolutely fucking lost it while he sighed and stalked out of the room.

gacha cigarette. the ultimate addiction and house foreclosure

the best porn i ever watched was about these two argentinian monks in a monastery during WW3 who witness the end of the world and then have sex in this candlelit stone grotto while nukes rain down outside and it was really emotionally earnest and played super straight i loved it. and like not just because i have a fetish

both of the monks have eyebrow piercings

Just reminder:

Fuck ICE

Death to Trump and his billionaire buddies

Always punch Nazis

the swears that non-native-english-speakers come up with are absolutely fantastic sometimes. my friend just said “she is fuck as shit” instead of “she is fucking shit” and now i cant stop saying things are fuck as shit. the weather is fuck as shit. my homework is fuck as shit. phenomenal.

me: oh man, Joann Fabrics is closing. That's going to really suck for a lot of people

Sophia, the Victorian ghost who haunts a lamp I bought at Brimfield: not the least among them Joanne. though I suppose her business acumen must have been wanting if she gave the shop her Christian name- it just seems undignified. was that what drove her customers to other establishments?

me: well, nothing- it's a chain, and in most places, there weren't any other fabric stores.

Sophia:

Sophia: there weren't. any other dry goods stores. selling fabric.

me: not usually, no.

Sophia: in a whole town

me: no.

Sophia: and now there will be nowhere to purchase fabric at all in those towns

me: not in person. I guess people can buy it online

Sophia: what if they don't know what different weaves feel like? how will they learn if they never get to handle them?

me: some places have free swatch service on their websites-

Sophia: so they'll wait a week or more for a swatch, decide if they like it, then send away for the full amount of goods they need and wait even longer for that? what if they want something finished sooner?

me: they'll just be frustrated, I guess

Sophia: wait, why did Joanne's shops close? if she had such a monopoly, surely she'd have made quite a profit regardless of the name

me: an even bigger company bought them and couldn't use them to make billions of dollars, so they're forcing them to close

Sophia:

me: wait- PUT MY SNOW SHOVEL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR LAMP

I made this about a different business that was the victim of private equity and I hate that news stories keep coming up where I can use it.

When life gives you bears… trick them into doing market research?

@mercuryjellyfish

What I really like about this is that the containers all have prominent labels with a camera pointing directly at them, but it’s still called a double-blind trial because the researcher isn’t present and the bear can’t read