in this season of limbo.
nothing seems to be going exactly right.
but nothing is going left either,
it feels like everything is decided on the way i react.
it feels tested. i feel testy. i feel breakable, i feel stoppable.
i feel like a setback. the things. the possibilities of being unaware could hinder me.
i dont even look for the rhyme, cause i never have a reason.
in this season of limbo.
the objective is myself.
where have i been running, and why is it to places that i cannot hide from myself
i feel like depression and i am fighting it really hard.
in this season of limbo, i feel like depression is winning
not sure, why.... when i see it on others, i get sick of the idea of sadness and depression.
when i am alone with my thoughts i am consumed of doubt, misunderstanding, confusion, and disorientation
i am sprinkling harmful words and blankless expressions on my loved ones.
my numbness, my void tears, my feelings crumbling over my life like sprinkles on a banana split.
because that what i am, a banana split, into pieces that i cannot put back together.
this impact of current events are a little too explosive. i am not dealing with them, i am not dealing with what is really wrong, i am just tipping toeing around and coloring over it with men, work, social media, and constant need to always talk to the people that i know dont understand me. dont understand what i am going through and what type of decisions i want to make next. this awareness i have i wish could turn to ignorance. i feel like these are things that can be really stopped if i could just stop the bad thoughts. the reassuring of what i felt as a teen, i hate the shame, i hate the holding things in, it turned me vicious, i dont think i have ever been nice but it seems like a great change for once....
i just want someone to listen, i think i should find therapy, i should seek help, i think its time to stop the cutting and i think it is time to stop the numbing.
i miss when i use to do drugs, i miss the way it would zone me out just to look in and be too high to address it and by the time i came down i was too tired to even think.
i have been holding these thoughts for months. it feels like me. it feels like i am the problem. i feel like people put up these tolerances around me and just deal with me as needed. i feel like i provide for people and that is it. i am the only person who never really needs anyone, no one is ever the person i love to be. i cannot keep being there for myself and everyone else too. i hate the fake misses, i hate the fake i love yous, i hate the fake commitments, i know that we will fight and every day is not sunshine, but i hate the sly comments, of saying "youre always like that" i hate the misrepresentation of my words in people's minds. i hate it here most times and all of the time i dont even want to communicate.
i have this chance at love and wont allow it because i dont love myself. i am scared. i am not worthy, i am not faithful, nobody has ever chosen me that was good, i was never the good in anyone's life. nobody looks at me as forever, nobody nourishes me and fosters my growth, nobody bounds me in, nobody, not even myself. so why does this scam for my lust, mind, and body, is presenting itself as it wants my body and soul to keep and to hold. i cannot take another blow, i cannot take it. nobody has never wanted me. i have been a stop on everybody's route.
i often be terrified if i could be seen the way other see me. thats why i hide in the shadows of my own misunderstanding. i am always going to be as ugly as my insides are. as useless as men make me feel. as heartless my friends make me feel. a source of energy like my family makes me feel. nothing as i say myself equivalent as thunderous oppositions rattle throughout my life. the bottom is where i belong, and even if the top is where i will look my soul will always be anchored in the deep darkest depths of the ocean, where love exist and never can be found.,
i have been holding all of this in, in my season of limbo
