I would be the worst spy of all time because on one hand I overshare like hell, but on the other hand I also have THE shittiest memory so it’s really a lose/lose scenario for everyone involved.

guy interrogating me: What’s the passcode?

me: Ah fuck. I think it might be 792.....4?

me: Actually no I think it starts with a 2.

me:

me: Yeah I usually just rely on muscle memory for it. Do you think you could get a keypad in here? That might be faster.

guy interrogating me: who do you work for?!

me: Okay, so this is super embarrassing. I know he told me his name when we first met but I forgot and at this point it would be weird if I asked him for his name again, right? So I just kind of go with “sir” whenever I have to talk to him. It might be David though. He looks like a David.

me, after being extracted: bad news guys, I totally blew Dave’s cover.

my boss: Wait, what?

me: Yeah, like they had knives and shit and it was kind of stressful so I just told them that my contact’s name was David Johnson. Really sorry about that.

boss: We don’t have a David Johnson working for us. Are you thinking of James?

me: 

me: Good news, guys, I did not blow James’ cover!

Enemy 1: So, how did the interrogation go?

Enemy 2: We got nothing. All they did was ramble on about their childhood trauma for two hours.

Enemy 1: Hmm. maybe lower the dose of the truth serum next time.

Enemy 2: We didn’t use truth serum.

one time i told a guy with a huge punisher decal on his car that i loved the punisher but that i'm too scared to have any of his merch because in the current political climate i wouldn't want people to think i support killing police and the man had. no response whatsoever. he was smiling and completely frozen in place. i'd never seen anyone bluescreen that hard

do with this information what you will

prev wondering abt the amount of guts it takes to do this: the trick is to come off as incredibly sincere and kinda airheaded. now, crucially, i'm 4'11 and very cute so certain types of people already expect me to fit a very specific character type, and these techniques might not be as effective for others. but that's why i weaponize them on everyone's behalf

for those who are like me and don't know things

Not only does he kill cops, he specifically hates the kind who idolize him, since they're exactly the sort that cause the kind of corruption he's trying to combat.

Let us suppose that the "average" horse would have equal proportions of all these parts. The degree to which each part in this poll deviates from the "average" size (20% of total) will determine how large or small that part of our horse will be (i.e a horse with only 10% in Legs will have legs half the size of the average horse).

I will draw a picture of the horse we make!

Thank you for your patience, tumblr. I have been at work all day but now I am home and ready to build this horse you asked for.

First, let's pull up the poll results alongside an average looking horse. I have calculated the size of each part of our horse in relation to Average Size.

Next we will adjust our horse's components according to the specifications.

Finally, let us properly assemble these parts and see how it looks.

And there you have it. Great work team. No notes.

I heard this metaphor growing up, and in my case, it backfired supremely, because I went out into my neighbor's backyard where a rose bush was growing, and the one I tested had like 30 petals (it was yellow, but definitely a rose of some kind), and as a very logical lass, I came to the conclusion that you could have premarital sex AT LEAST ten times before your future husband would even notice something was up. Moral of the story? Test your metaphors on the weirdest and most neurodivergent child you know before writing your weird religious propaganda.

FRIENDS 5.17 “The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss"

I wish the world worked like it did in the stardew valley universe. If I'm strapped for cash I should be able to go grab some blackberries off the nearest roadside bush and go sell them to a grocery store for a quick ten bucks. I should be able to think "huh I wanna go talk to the wizard today" and then I go talk to the wizard in his wizard tower

disturbed by how little ppl acknowledge the secondary health risks of vampire bites. if your vampire lover is drinking your blood you MUST be up to date on your tetanus shot. puncture wounds are at especially high risk for tetanus infections. just because your partner was born in 1312 doesn’t mean you have to die like it.

moreover they should be prepping the bite point with an alcohol wipe.

and while I’m at it, I’ve noticed a blithe disregard for health & safety when it comes to blood pacts. can’t believe I have to say this but you should absolutely NOT be cutting your palm open with the pocket knife from your belt holster (??????)

if you’re expecting to be in a blood pact/oath situation please just pick up some sterile finger lancets from the pharmacy. cannot stress this all enough.

Please y’all!! tetanus is NOT caused by rusty metal. It’s a bacteria found damn near everywhere, and wounds infected with saliva are especially high risk for tetanus infections.

it’s also a common misconception that vampire saliva is antiseptic. Vampires spread that myth on purpose. They also CAN cross running water. Make them bathe and brush their teeth!!!!

not to enforce gender roles but a computer should NOT fucking have apps okay. if I wanted an app I'd go on my phone my laptop is for Programs. I mean this.

bringing the ancient meme back

Ngl I think I hate performative girlbossification of female characters more than I hate people not including said female characters in their fan content. Actually I don't care at all if they're indifferent to her. Who gives a fuck. Like I'd respect it more if they're like "ngl I just don't give a shit about her" with their whole chest, rather than being like "OMG I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!! She's perfect, she's best girl, she kicks ass [never talks about her ever and only includes her as a prop to examine the male characters they DO like]" just because they're scared of getting called misogynistic. Like if you know in your heart that this character means nothing to you and you know you're not gonna do her justice, might as well just leave her out. But attempts to shoehorn her in, using your 2015-feminist style characterization is so weak, man.

hey here's a website for downloading any video or image from any website.

works w/ youtube, soundcloud, twitch, twitter (gifs and videos), tumblr (video and audio), and most other websites you're probably lookin to download stuff off of.

for anyone wondering about privacy and whatnot, i'm happy to say that the developers are pretty committed to have 0 trackers and 0 data retention. you can read more in their "about" section, but here's the basic important stuff:

COBALT MENTIONED OUTSIDE OF TWITTER???

^ (one of the lead devs that made cobalt)

thank you for your thingy, it's real useful 🙏

happy passover, everyone

i need everyone to hear the story of colman domingo meeting his husband bc it's just the most beautiful thing i've ever heard

Transcript:

Colman Domingo: You're in Berkeley, California — 2005 — and you're minding your business going into a Walgreens, which is like a Boots, here? So I'm going in there, it's just a Sunday night, I'm just — I-I live in New York, I'm just going there, uh, in Berkeley, to get a mask, for the night, you know —

Graham Norton: Mmhm.

CD: A facial mask. And so I'm walking in, and I see someone walking out, has beautiful hair down to here, lip piercing, beautiful, beautiful. I see this guy, and we look at each other, I'm like, "Oh my God," and I'm on the phone, and I come outside, and we look at each other, he's talking to this young woman and she seems to be angry about something — so it's a lot of like, you know [gestures frantically] — and he's looking at me, and she's all [gestures frantically again], and I'm like, well, "Uh– what's going on?" So I'm like, "Oh lemme get off the phone, bro, I'm gonna get off the phone." I get off the phone, they're o— they walk off, down the street. But he keeps looking back. But, he — and I wave, but he just keeps going. And then, I'm just, dumbfounded, and I end up in a Blockbuster, you know, across the street, you know, and I don't even know what I'm doing, but I — I tried to look at my watch, and it was 8.03. And I came back outside, I thought, "Is he here?" And I thought, well, maybe I'll come back next Sunday, and he'll be here.

Dohmnall Gleeson: Mm.

CD: I'm that kind of hopeless romantic. So anyway. Cut to three days later, I'm tryna buy a used computer, and I was, uh, I was just scanning Craigslist. They have Craigslist over here, right?

GN: Yeah.

CD: I was scanning Craigslist, right, so I thought, "Maybe I'll place one of those Missed Connections ads. I wonder if they work." 'Cause I would read them and stuff, like. I go to page 2 of them, as I'm reading, and I see "Saw you outside of Walgreens, Berkeley." He placed an ad for me, two hours before.

Sterling K. Brown: C'mon, bruh.

CD: I jumped up, I was like, "Are you kidding me? That's me. He described me with my faux-hawk — it was 2005 —

Everyone: [Laughter]

Olivia Colman: Oh my God.

GN: Right.

CD: And I was like, "Get out of here." So we met up three days later, we had our first date, I was tryna be a good boy and go home, he's like "Can you stay over," I was like, "Sure, but let's just cuddle—"

Audience: [Soft laughter]

CD: We cuddle, I thought he was asleep, it was 4 o'clock in the morning, I couldn't sleep, and I said "I think I love you and you're about to change my life." And we've been together for almost 19 years now.

SKB: Yoooooo! Are you serious? Oh my God!

GN: Amazing.

CD: Yeah. Yeah. I know. Yeah.

OC: What is that???

CD: I know.

phineas and ferb heritage post

Every time I advocate for voting people are like "no you shouldn't vote! Read this literature, it'll totally change the way you view voting!" And every single time it's the same fucking "you shouldn't vote because both parties are exactly the same so it won't make a difference who wins" bullshit wrapped up in some fancy language

"OP you need to read 'Voting is not Harm Reduction" OP has read Voting is not Harm Reduction. It opens with the acknowledgement that for the most vulnerable people, even a tiny degree of harm reduction can mean life or death and then continues to advocate for not participating in that harm reduction lest you "participate in your own oppression". Pardon me for not finding "vulnerable people should die for my ideology" very convincing.

I don't know if it's my post people can't read or if it's the very literature they are recommending me that they aren't fucking reading but either way nobody on this website passed high school English

The notes on this are... ooof. You could make an anti-voting argument bingo card out of this.

Fuck it, I'll just block people rapid-fire again. Anti-voter bingo card:

Hey everyone, please consider buying the 2024 itch.io Palestinian Relief Bundle- it's 373 games, game-making assets, tabletop roleplaying games, zines, and comics for a minimum of just 8 USD! They have a goal of 100,000 USD, and as of the time I'm writing this post, they have 8 more days to reach it.

Link will be in the reblog!

Link to the bundle

Amazing news!! They reached their goal of 100,000 USD! There is now a second goal of 250,000 USD! Remember, this is 373 games, assets, and comics for a minimum of 8 USD- a bundle of items which would normally be ~1,667 USD! Let's reach that second goal as quickly as we reached the first goal!

The fact that Microsoft Word has to be a subscription is upsetting. I already paid for it why do I have to pay again

Yes please be mad about it, genuinely- You used to be able to purchase a single disk to install it and use it forever after that initial purchase of one key. It sickens me to see all this stuff which used to be a one time purchase be shunted under a subscription now.

THIS

"Why is pirating going back up?!"

This. This is why. People don't mind paying a high price for software if it's only the once, or every 4-5 years.

But having to pay a high price regularly? Especially in the cases where you lose access to your own work if you don't?

That's why people are pirating software.

It’s possible to buy a non-subscription version of Word; Microsoft just intentionally makes it very difficult to find (and also expensive).

However, I know a guy who knows a guy website: MS Office Pro for $50. If the link starts going to a Page Not Found, just search the site; they usually have some form of this sale available. 

Worth noting: while $50 is still more money than $yo-ho-ho, that money is a great way to make VERY clear to Microsoft that we DO want one-time-purchase products, not subscriptions.

My laptop just died. If it can't be fixed and I need to replace it, this post is gonna be a real life saver, because my family has been sharing an old version of Word that came with a limited number of lifetime licenses, and we're fresh out.

https://www.libreoffice.org/download/download-libreoffice/

Get LibreOffice. It's fully compatible with MS Office, but it's free and open source. You're welcome. :-)