almost salted the boiling water im using to sterilize my dildo

#cleaning it italian style

Al Dildè

Somebody dropped a Newport 9000

salad is so good i wanna get on all fours and eat it like a horse

Remembering the best quote tweet I ever got.

Miles Davis, ca. 1959.

I wish benevolent giants would collect me and put me in a safe place when I eat too much fermented fruit.  

oh youre bisexial? name two of every thing

god said this to noah

good morning gay people!!

Fred Flintstone and The Great Gazoo

please behold the 24 Hours of Lemons race, in which you can only spend $500 total on a car to cross country race for 24 hours

named after the legendary 24 hour Le Mans race, Lemons rallies barely legal cars in an endurance race across America. had the privilege of sharing the freeway with this race and seeing the absolute art od this event

This is so American I could CRY

oh this is nothing. some of my favorite lemons entries are:

an airplane stuck on a toyota minivan

this miata built by rocket scientists

the mr2 boat

the nyan cat bmw that i think actually played the song at all times

the homer simpson car built by uranium workers

this limo whose brakes caught on fire

the dumbest corolla and supra wearing funny hats

and so much more. 24 hours of lemons my beloved

The absolute metaphorical snarl that is a Limo modeled after the titanic called "unstoppable", whose breaks caught fire, is just, absolutely sending me

I can feel The dryness of those markers in my bones

Fun fact those dry markers were supposed to have water put into them to make them work. You take off the bottom thing and pour water in and bam, instant marker success. Only learned about this four years after I’d lost my set 🙃

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

Hey. Reblog to save some poor kid lots of grief.

Fucking what?!

Every ‘90s child on Tumblr raises their head in outrage.

I just stood up so fast and snatched mine out of my closet brb going to the sink

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Are you fucking kidding me

They couldn’t have put an instruction card in there or something????