sunmayshine → thegarlicbreads !! 💌🧄🥖
my parents hired someone to cut down the mango tree.
it just feels like my childhood is disappearing and there's nothing i can do about it. sure there's pictures and some toys and whatever but everything that was actually important to me, my hiding places, my comforts, my joys, just keep being destroyed and no one gives a shit or thinks about me
my parents hired someone to cut down the mango tree.
Every now and again I think of this Sarah tweet and just stare into the middle distance.
as part of his eulogy for logan, ewan says: “he was mean, and he made but a mean estimation of the world and he fed a certain kind of meagreness in men. perhaps he had to because he had a meagreness about him and maybe i do about me too”. he connects them via this meagreness, a metaphorical lack of something in their spirits as the brothers roy, but it can also used to mean a physical lack, thinness, which i think is relevant both to ewan’s lifelong fear of and disgust with excess, and greg’s void of hunger for everything he was ever denied.
ewan was only five when had to take on the role of his four year old brother’s parent and protector, all alone, the only protection logan had against adults who hurt them. they were physically abused by their uncle noah, and if logan was whipped with such force as a child that the scars were still visible in his 80s, then i don’t doubt that ewan had scars of his own.
if you viciously beat a child, if you deprive a child of love and comfort, if you make children kill animals as ewan and logan were made to, they will be traumatised, but they won’t express it in the same way. ewan’s response was to become strict with himself, and strict with others. in 1.05, logan accuses ewan of never eating even a blueberry without first checking it against the ledger - the same episode where ewan doesn’t let greg eat anything for a period of about 24 hours. ewan’s life is one of forced asceticism and self-denial as penance, and is characterised by a profoundly sad inability to connect emotionally with his grandson, and by inference his daughter marianne, and quite probably his wife, who has been dead for many years judging by the framing of ewan, marianne and greg as a family unit of just three from greg’s childhood onwards. the life of abstinence he leads is further entrenched by his repulsion towards logan’s excesses as a capitalist, a media tycoon, political opportunist, and as a destructive force in the natural world via those identities. ewan says there is an argument to be made that logan is worse than hitler, and he is completely and utterly serious about it.
he wears a hair shirt of his own and others’ sins. in an attempt to compensate for the meagreness he feels within and his inability to love his family as he should, he devotes himself to saviour-type social causes, especially environmentalism. ewan views himself as having stewardship over the natural world, a domain he can defend (and demand others defend) through giving up their material desires as a means to attain moral purity. but crucially, ewan’s austerity is a response to a traumatic childhood defined by poverty, abuse and neglect, and when he makes the same demands of his daughter and grandson, by forcing them to live on an artificial breadline despite having millions, he enacts poverty, abuse and neglect on them. marianne and greg profoundly resent ewan for denying them a comfortable upbringing that was always within reach. ewan has enough self-awareness to realise that he made mistakes with his own family, but he is tragically unable to grasp the enormity of the damage he inflicted.
just realized i will only ever know the teenage version of some people forever i need to lie down
they’re out there as an adult and i’m here as an adult but i will only ever know them as a 17 year old through a 17 year old’s eyes. i don’t even know what kind of music they like….
there are a lot of things i wanna do. in theory. i want to learn a lot of stuff. but mostly, more than anything else, i don't want to exist, and that makes it very very hard for me to pursue anything at all
idk about yall but i need to change my clothes my hair my face
i am once again texting my roommate to ask for his share of the rent which is late. again!
both my arms still hurt from getting 3 shots 2 days ago like that's enough!! i get it!
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cleo YOU are wonderful!!!! 💌🤲💖💐
who are the most beautiful people you've ever seen and why are they your parents in pictures from when you were a baby
“the sea doesn’t care about you!!” ok well just because the ocean is unspeakably powerful and can’t stop the rhythm she’s held for uncountable eons just for one person doesn’t mean she can’t love you. loving and changing are two different things. we wouldn’t have life without the ocean…. and yeah, if you don’t respect her and treat her cavalierly, you’ll perish. but how can anyone say the sea doesn’t mourn when she holds so much life and beautiful secrets in her belly? why are we putting atheism on the ocean that loves us?
you want the ocean to change for YOU? you think that being tamed is the only way for her to prove her love??? go sit on a rock by the seaside and listen to the tide. find some gratitude for one of the only things in existence that always keeps its promise to come back
you are not unloveable you are just sad and a little bit angry. let’s go have some soup
i want to be in love because then id always have someone to go on long walks with
