A Humble Peddler of Weres

One of the pitfalls I've been struggling with over the last three years while focusing on recovering from ADHD burnout is trying to find stimuli that are enriching and not just distracting because distracting stimuli might feel like it's keeping me from being bored, but really it's just keeping me numb enough so I don't have to process being bored or any of my emotions.

And that's not great when you're trying to heal trauma.

The problem is, I'm not finding a lot of things enriching at the moment. A lot of the things I've been relying on to keep my brain quiet since 2020 now feel overstimulating and are actively making me agitated rather than numb. Which I suppose is progress? It means I'm processing things and actually aware of them again instead of perceiving everything as background static.

It's just an odd predicament to be in. I don't think I've been this 'aware' of my own brain in a long time and on the one hand, cool. Great. Probably a good thing. On the other, aaaaah. Why is it so noisy in here?

As someone who also has ADHD, how did you figure out you were in burnout and it wasn’t just bad? I’m a bookkeeper who works in a CPA’s office, and we just got done with tax season. And my brain isn’t coming back online and it’s scaring me a little.

My therapist helped me realize it after I spiraled into a 3-year major depressive episode that made me suicidal every time I tried to write. (not great when you write for a living.)

Everyone will experience it differently, and you can find some good things to look out for online. (WebMD actually has a brief rundown of it and a few things to look out for)

For me, it started out as extreme fatigue and feeling overstimulated constantly, even when I was doing nothing. Nothing helped me feel relaxed, though with hindsight, that's because I didn't actually give my brain a break.

What I did was jump from one task to another or from one overstimulating distraction to another, thinking I just needed to 'take my mind off things' when what I needed was to take some time off to actually rest and do things that brought me joy, not just things that kept me busy and distracted from my emotions.

Hence why my brain dumped napalm on what was left of my mental health.

After a while, all the hacks and coping strategies I had for my executive dysfunction stopped working, and I was struggling to do everything because I just couldn't figure out what to prioritize. It was like being numb but also on fire at the same time.

I've since clawed my way back to some semblance of mental health, but I'm now very aware of avoiding overwork and prioritizing rest and mental enrichment over keeping myself distracted. If I find myself being task-avoidant, I pause and ask myself why.

Is it simply a low-reward task that I find boring? Or is it causing me some form of distress that I'm not registering because I'm not yet at the point of a total meltdown? If so, why? And what can I do about it? Is it something I can ask for help with?

If you're worried about being burned out, chances are you're already feeling it, and your brain is waving a little flag that says, "Hey, we need a break."

And if it's not yet full-on burnout, your brain is still saying, "Hey, we need a break," and it's better to listen to it than ignore it. Which is easier said than done, I know, but it's vital skill to develop.

If you're up for some reading/listening, a book that really helped me was Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski.

Guys. I can feel it already. THIS is the year. This is the year that Jonathan Harker will go on his business trip with no issue. Just a lovely train ride through Europe where he collects paprika recipies for Mina, meets some friendly, living people looking to buy properties in England, and then returns home safely.

Free him from the time loop.

The thing neurotypicals tend not to understand about the ADHD brain is that it really only has two gears

I turn to the chalkboard and carefully write out

WORKIN' HARD

HARDLY WORKIN'

Much like a cars transmission getting stuck between gears the adhd brain can also access a secret mode called HORKLY WARDIN' that feels bad

TUMBLR IS SO BORING WITH ALL YOU NERDS AT DASHCON

((you all better come back with some amazing tales))

#scrap of bloodstained paper you find in a dungeon #or clutched in a skeleton’s fist (via @beaft)

William B. “Bill” Watterson II.

Hgsk. Got an annotated note in my mychart from the doctor who did the additional breast ultrasound on Friday, and the “unusual range of spinal flexibility” note is killing me because a) that has nothing to do with my breast health and b) I know the exact moment she’s referring to.

They needed to scan the side of my breast more clearly. But instead of rolling over onto my side like they expected, I just twisted my upper torso and asked, “Is this enough?” while keeping my hips flat and the doctor just straight up looked at me like I’d performed a maneuver from the Exorcist.

Hey I have a question. This is related to this story in only the most far-flung tangential way and is potentially wildly inappropriate, but...

...what do flat-chested and small-breasted women do for mammograms? I mean like. A-cups, B-cups. You can't plop those in a machine and squish. Is it like... a manual exam or something? How does that work?

If a mammogram isn't viable, they do a very thorough ultrasound. It's what they do for dense breast tissue as well (like mine; that's why I did a mammogram and an ultrasound on Friday.)

Is... Is it not normal to be able to twist like that? I know you have extra bendy joints but that's not hard to do

It's normal to be able to twist to a certain extent, but I think it looks "wrong" when folks with EDS do it because we tend to go farther than looks comfortable. I'm told my ribcage does some uncanny valley shit when I twist like that. Feels normal to me, but I don't know any different.

Having your shoulders vertical when your hips are laying flat is just good flexibility.

If your ribs and chest can be vertical too then you may have EDS or have another condition.

Yeah, it's the ribcage/upper torso movement that freaks people out.

I used to twist myself much farther than that, too, because it often feels like I'm not getting enough of a stretch, but what my muscles/soft tissue/joints are capable of and what is healthy is not the same thing.

I hope this is not too prying (no need to respond if it is), but do you get vascular compression with deep stretching?

There are some movement that I trained where I have to stop increasing flexibility because muscle tension and joint angles almost shuts off blood circulation, is that also a thing if you have EDS?

Just curious

It's not something I’ve personally experienced from deep stretching as someone with hEDS, (traumatic injuries, yes. Especially around my neck/cervical area. We think that's what gave me the trigeminal neuralgia) but everyone is different.

I imagine it would be a higher risk for people with classical EDS (cEDS) and especially vascular EDS (vEDS).

The moving to the degree you are reducing/cutting off blood supply can happen with EDS, I also have hEDS and have done that a fair few times without meaning to, at current working with a specialist rheumatology physiotherapist to try and reduce this around my neck as it's led to me noticeably reducing blood flow to my brain at times. Though I get it in other areas, more so during my period which is apparently common but ridiculously under researched!

If it's happening to a noticeable degree try and speak to a professional on what areas you can strengthen to reduce it, and be mindful if you are in the same position for a while as that's usually when it tends to go unnoticed for me. If it's more a case of feet/hands then that may be raunards syndrome, which a gp can advise on (really good test is how you react to cold, my hands go very red and weird, feet tend to go more towards purple from the reduced blood flow).

Also @thebibliosphere when you spoke about what your body is capable of with range of motion vs what's safe, are you able to expand on this? I've been given such different opinions over the years on whether it's okay to go into a stretch that feels like a stretch or to aim towards 'normal' range of motion that at this stage I feel torn on how to approach it.

(Currently I stick with what feels comfortable for my body to get a stretch, with the exception of my neck as I've known too many people with permanent neck injuries with hEDS and try to be as careful as my memory/awareness let's me be).

I suspect this might depend on the individual, but I’ve personally noticed that the older I get and the more I try to chase the sensation of a full stretch, the more minor injuries I’m sustaining that all add up into the general constant ache of my body.

My back and neck are also major problem areas for this, but until I started doing PT targeting my neck instability I didn't realize that the “big stretches” I was doing in other areas were having such a huge knock-on effect on my spine and making my cranial instability significantly worse.

So it doesn't feel as satisfying a stretch to me, to not go the full limit. But staying within the “normal range” is cutting down on a not insignificant chunk of pain and injuries for me.

Now that I've got your attention...

Howdy, Tumblr! I'm a queer disabled writer with Some Stupid Problems! Namely: the government decided that, because I made A Small Amount from my writing for two months in 2023, they need to cut my benefits by A Large Amount for an undisclosed amount of time!!

So yeah, I'm suphering from a tiny amount of suksess. Obviously, I'm trying to get off benefits. I have been for years. But to do that, I need your help!

Please buy my books. If you've bought them, please leave a review at your favourite digital storefront. If you've bought them and reviewed them, please tell your friends- word of mouth is the only way tiny queer indie artists can survive these days.

Thank you so much, and I hope you guys have a wonderful day!

an interesting take on this from matt braly, creator of amphibia

Imagine being a business that has managed to get THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF CUSTOMERS IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE, and you've managed to make it so this is a bad thing.

You did it. That's late stage capitalism in one sentence.

"What was promised as infinite growth proved to be finite" feels like a very concise summary of every business person ever everywhere.

Hgsk. Got an annotated note in my mychart from the doctor who did the additional breast ultrasound on Friday, and the “unusual range of spinal flexibility” note is killing me because a) that has nothing to do with my breast health and b) I know the exact moment she’s referring to.

They needed to scan the side of my breast more clearly. But instead of rolling over onto my side like they expected, I just twisted my upper torso and asked, “Is this enough?” while keeping my hips flat and the doctor just straight up looked at me like I’d performed a maneuver from the Exorcist.

Hey I have a question. This is related to this story in only the most far-flung tangential way and is potentially wildly inappropriate, but...

...what do flat-chested and small-breasted women do for mammograms? I mean like. A-cups, B-cups. You can't plop those in a machine and squish. Is it like... a manual exam or something? How does that work?

If a mammogram isn't viable, they do a very thorough ultrasound. It's what they do for dense breast tissue as well (like mine; that's why I did a mammogram and an ultrasound on Friday.)

Is... Is it not normal to be able to twist like that? I know you have extra bendy joints but that's not hard to do

It's normal to be able to twist to a certain extent, but I think it looks "wrong" when folks with EDS do it because we tend to go farther than looks comfortable. I'm told my ribcage does some uncanny valley shit when I twist like that. Feels normal to me, but I don't know any different.

Having your shoulders vertical when your hips are laying flat is just good flexibility.

If your ribs and chest can be vertical too then you may have EDS or have another condition.

Yeah, it's the ribcage/upper torso movement that freaks people out.

I used to twist myself much farther than that, too, because it often feels like I'm not getting enough of a stretch, but what my muscles/soft tissue/joints are capable of and what is healthy is not the same thing.

I hope this is not too prying (no need to respond if it is), but do you get vascular compression with deep stretching?

There are some movement that I trained where I have to stop increasing flexibility because muscle tension and joint angles almost shuts off blood circulation, is that also a thing if you have EDS?

Just curious

It's not something I’ve personally experienced from deep stretching as someone with hEDS, (traumatic injuries, yes. Especially around my neck/cervical area. We think that's what gave me the trigeminal neuralgia) but everyone is different.

I imagine it would be a higher risk for people with classical EDS (cEDS) and especially vascular EDS (vEDS).