Yeah she used me like a toy last night 😏
*smash cut to scene where I am being taken apart like LEGOS * nah post canceled this still reads as unironically sexual somehow. Bye
Deleting thousands of old pictures from my phone and this one's making me lose my shit
grizzled dead-inside hired assassin but he never falls for the femme fatale he only falls for the Completely Awkward Guy At The Computer and it's really frustrating for him
sorry had to revise this from secret agent to assassin; I want no connotations of suaveness. i want a functioning alcoholic who hasn't shaved in days bleeding ("am I bleeding? jesus fu—") from a torso wound, passing out, gun in hand, and waking up to Guy At The Computer making a functioning nuclear reactor in Minecraft. He looks up groaning and is just like "bad news: i'm still alive worse news: i'm deeply attracted to this....person" nerd swivels around in an ergonomic chair "oh you're awake!" takes off his headset and he's wearing a loss t-shirt
BOSS MAKES A BOATLOAD I MAKE A SMIDGE
THAT'S WHY I JERK OFF IN THE WALK IN FRIDGE
Gordon Ramsay 🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀
I'M EMOTIONALLY NORMAL AND LOVE TO FUCK
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT BRITISH CUCK ❌
You're a Warlock. But instead of drawing power from a higher being, people can choose to donate a portion of their magical power to you. In exchange, they can scry on your adventures and can send telepathic messages to you, as well as make requests. It can get annoying, but you make it work.
“Alright, we’re about to head into the dungeon. Daz has gone ahead to check for traps, but we’re pretty confident -- hey, M’stha’venalth the Destroyer, thanks for the three months, really appreciate it -- yeah we’re pretty confident we got the, uh, we got the thing in the bag, shouldn’t take more than a few sessions at best. Who needs a long rest, am I right? Oh, just got a Sending from Gleek, ‘are you gonna need Darkvision again’, nah, comrade, torches all the way. You know we gotta keep it real around here. Plus I love the burning pitch smell. Okay, good vibe emojis only, viewers, we’re going in!”
my one superpower is that i can instantly tell when someone who doesn’t use the word “ya’ll” in their day-to-day speech starts using it to be sanctimonious and folksy on the internet
i can tell you don’t either OP or you’d put the apostrophe in “y'all” where it fucking belongs
Now that’s a fuckin callout
Anonymous asked:
Last time we went to a pokemon center for a checkup, my torterra got really upset and caused an earthquake.
this is why i always encourage people to keep their pokémon in their pokéballs whenever they need to go to the pokémart or the pokémon center or anything. yes yes your Dragonite is very shy and very cute but her introversion is manifesting as a Hyper Beam
first it was girls' locker rooms vs boys' locker rooms then it was the feminine urge to vs the masculine urge to now it's girl dinner vs boy dinner when will it end when will we escape i feel like maybe some of you guys dont even want to escape doesnt anyone else want to escape
“average u.s president is indicted for 2 felonies" factoid actualy just statistical error. average president indicted for 0 felonies. Crimes Donal, who consistently and obviously breaks the law and has been indicted for 91 felonies, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
we're going back in time to get reaganomics OUT of america
this anime’s refusal to engage with the technicalities of its own premise is SO inspiring. we don’t have time to focus on whatever plot hole physics we used to get here, we have an undead pop band to run
"bUt i tHiNk mAKeUp is fUn" that's nice. i would like to be allowed to exist without it without being socioeconomically punished for that choice but what's important to focus on here is that you're just having the funnest time ever
This doesn’t happen unless you’re so ugly that you need makeup to look normal (in which case this post is a bit of a self-own)
cool misogyny! i forgot that being beautiful is the only moral way for a woman to exist. what an Epic Own on behalf of a multibillion dollar industry!!!!
Yeah you're right. It WOULD be pretty fucked up if you were a swan but you were raised by ducks and you grew up never seeing another swan or even knowing that such a thing as a swan even existed so you just thought you were a duck with something super wrong with it.
briefly forgot my brother is playing baldur’s gate and thought i’d fallen into some sort of wormhole
ABCDEFGHI KLMNOP RSTU W Y
21/26
sent an ass pic to a guy visiting from england and got the most unwaveringly british response