(CW/TW: it sounds a bit venty or ranty, especially towards the end, so it may come off as intense and emotional)
(Disclaimer because I feel it’s necessary: I have done nothing to be mean to them and do not plan to just because I’m splitting on them. I do not have any other safe place to share my thoughts where people will understand me so I have come here. It’s alright if you don’t relate, this is somewhat specific to my situation since my FP is one of my only friends. It may come off as venty or ranty unfortunately, I apologize for writing so much. I just want to know if anyone is in a similar situation or not. I understand if this is too long or venty to be posted! /gen /nm)
BPD (& NPD?) culture is . . .
getting jealous over the fact that your FP has friends that they’re closer with and spend more time with as opposed to you. And you have to fight the strong urge to block them because “well they wouldn’t miss me anyways right?” And you feel just so insignificant and unimportant because “after all you’ve done for them” you aren’t even NEAR being considered their best friend let alone their close friend!
And you overanalyze how their friends treat them because you think that “they don’t treat them as well as I do!” And you can’t even fathom why they would choose these people over you when you are so “clearly better than them and have more benefits”. Any time they take too long to respond or they’re not online you start to overthink and assume that they “don’t like you anymore”.
And your extreme black&white thinking causes you to think all of their friends are treating them like crap and only you can help them escape these “people that are pretending to be nice to just use them” and that you’re “the only one that truly cares about them”. You think constantly of ways you can get them to choose you over their other friends or how to get them to leave them. You overanalyze and compare yourself to their friends because “clearly you’re doing something wrong” and try to decide which parts of your personality are the reason you aren’t good enough for them.
But no matter how much you change yourself for them it never seems to be enough, because they will always choose those other people over you. No matter how much you do things for them, or go out of your way to try and be a best friend to them, for some reason you are not worthy of that same special treatment that their others friends get. After all your efforts? After clearly trying harder than their other friends? Shouldn’t you be the priority, the most important, because you’ve worked so hard to earn that spot?
And those other people are deserving of that special treatment just because they “have known them longer” and/or “enjoy the time they spend with them”? Well, I can do that, too, and I can do more than that actually- so why trust them more over me? I have demonstrated my abilities of being the perfect friend and they choose people that they have “good memories” with over me? What part of my personality is so unlikeable? Is it because those friends are more friendly, sociable, naive, excited, and empathetic? Is it because I trusted them enough to unmask around them only for them to find my personality “undesirable”? Would they rather me throw on a mask again? Because I can try to act just like their friends, I can pretend to be energetic and chatty, I can pretend to be excited over their achievements and when they’re online, I can pretend to be their “golden retriever” friend— even though I feel hardly anything or just pain most of the time.
What have I done to not earn the special treatment they give their friends? I have chosen my words so carefully around them, I have handpicked parts of my personality for them, I respect their boundaries unlike some of their friends— so, what is it I’m doing wrong here?
I have played this rigged game and yet I have won no prize. Only humiliation and hopelessness.
