that onion headline that's like "whatever. the emo kids are all sitting on each other's lap" is their realest one yet
it was clickhole my bad
Remember if you’re out at a store and someone says “This is a robbery” you can say “no it’s not” and then the robber will leave because theyre a robber and this is no longer a robbery .
You can not just say this without dropping the whole story
Ok so,
My dads coworker is at the front and this man comes Up and hands him a document.
The coworker took a Look at the document and while he couldn't read the things written by Hand, because he wasn't wearing his glases, he did notice the Logo of a different Bank so he's like:
"Oh, sorry sir you can't do that here! You have to go to the other Bank for this :)"
The man, visibly confused leaves, but dosen't take the document with him.
The coworker, now just as confused as the Guy actually Takes Out his glases and reads the hand written part:
This is a robbery
Can you imagine trying to rob a god damn bank and the teller just cheerfully tells you to go rob the competition instead
theprofessional-amateur-deactiv
I worked as a bank teller for several years and a few things you should know, bank robberies happen far more frequently than you might think and they come in waves. When a bank gets robbed a notification with photos goes to all banks in the area to be on the lookout. And there are two kinds of robbery, the pass the note and the takeover (what you see in movies).
So our branch had had a big takeover robbery as well as a note one. We also had a teller that had transferred to our branch after having been through a robbery. She was sweet as apple pie, hair up to the ceiling, southern lady who had just been through multiple robberies.
A guy comes in and hands her a folded note. Her immediate thought was “this guy needs to learn you don’t hand bank tellers notes. I am just not going to read that.” So how the conversation goes:
Her: how can I help you today?
Him: I’m here to get money
Her: great *hands him a withdrawal slip*
Him: all the information is on the paper
Her: to process the transaction I need you to put it on my piece of paper
SO HE FILLS OUT A WITHDRAWAL SLIP. Meanwhile another coworker is looking at her latest robbery notification email thinking the guy at the window looks a lot like him but the teller is calm and seems to be following standard transaction.
Back at the window the teller notices his name on the withdrawal slip doesn’t match the name on the account so she asks for his ID. He once again tells her all the relevant info is on the folded note but also gives her his ID and says it is his dad’s account. She tells him he will need a check from his dad to get cash. He grabs the note and leaves.
ONE HOUR LATER
Two new robbery notifications hit our emails, both branches within a mile. It is our guy. Teller goes over to the manager and sheepishly informs them he was here and the time. Security department is notified as are local police and the FBI. The FBI comes over believing that these poor tellers had been robbed for the 3rd time in a month and take her statement. She is completely embarrassed telling them how everything went down and he kept signaling to the note and telling her to read it but she was just done.
To which this FBI agent of 40 years who has been to the scene of many bank robberies (several at this branch in recent weeks) says: Ok. Let me see if I got this right, he came in fully intending to rob you. He gave you the note and you just…refused to read it? So he left and went to the bank literally across the street, handed them the exact same note, and they just handed him five grand? Do I have that correct?”
Her: I am so embarrassed
FBI: this is best thing I have ever heard. He even handed you his ID! Holy-
Her: I feel so dumb!
FBI: don’t! This is the best thing I have ever heard. This is going to be in training courses. (He sat there giddy for at least 5 more minutes)
I have a similar story from my friend Fred, who is a great human and I like him lots.
He was working at a 7-11 that got robbed a lot, working nights. And he was bored and read though his entire contract and learned if you're shot at work you get $200,000. Also, he hated his boss and the job.
So when a guy came in to rob him at gunpoint he got excited and was able to hatch the plan he had been pondering while dealing with a Shitty Boring Job.
"Dude. Shoot me in the leg. Right here- it'll go through and not hit anything vital and I'll be able to quit this fucking job. I'll give you fifty fucking grand to shoot me in the leg then you can take everything in the register."
This ended with him chasing the weeping attempted burglar out of his store screaming "SHOOT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD I WANT THE MONEY".
One of my uncles was a branch manager at a local bank when I was a kid. His branch had the dubious honor of being one of- if not the- most robbed bank in the area. There was a bullet hole in the wall behind his desk where he'd been shot at once.
One day, this guy came in and announced he was there to rob the place. This man was smoking a cigar with one hand and had a gun in the other.
My uncle pointed at the "No Smoking" sign and told him in no uncertain terms, "Put that cigar out, or finish it outside first."
This guy, bless his heart, went back outside to finish his cigar.
My uncle locked the door behind him and waited for the cops to show up.
This is the Bugs Bunny school of robbery reaction.
This is the EXACT equivalent of interrupting the coyote who's chasing you with a DMV office where he has to wait in line and fill out a form.
But with the added bonus of You Walked Into A Bank, Sir, Did You Not Expect To Have To Do Bank Things?
I love it.
One reason I cannot take anti-civ seriously as a school of thought is that any serious analysis of the history of technology shows that political ruling classes are always anti-technology in practice.
This might not seem obvious at first, because most ruling classes do use technology to further their ends. But, crucially, they usually only allow technology to exist when it capable of being directly controlled and managed. There are countless examples throughout history of potential technologies being deliberately suppressed by a ruling political elite, specifically because they complicate things to much to be directed via a chain of command. There are far, far more examples of these technologies being aborted in the womb by managers, bureaucrats, and politicians than there are of said bureaucrats allowing that technology to develop.
Andreas Malm (author of How to Blow Up a Pipeline) notes in his less-known book Fossil Capital that there were actually other sources of energy being developed concurrently with fossil fuels in early Industrial Revolution England, most notably hydropower.
So why didn't we see these alternative energies develop? Because Malm also notes that those alternative modes of energy were very deliberately suppressed by the bourgeoisie and the political elite of England. Fossil fuels became the dominant mode of energy in industrial society not because they were better sources of energy, but because they were the form of energy that was most conductive to controlling and managing labor.
The fact of the matter is that most technologies, if allowed to develop, actually makes things more complex for bureaucracies, not less. Therefore most technologies are not actually allowed to develop.
Like, it's not a coincidence that P2P file sharing has been constantly on the back foot as state authorities have tried to leverage copyright to shut it down. It's not a coincidence that tech companies very deliberately try to build walled gardens and discourage users from making use of decentralized computing. It's not a coincidence that tech conglomerates are discouraging anonymity tools, and that they've tried so hard to defang and co-opt the FOSS movement.
They don't want technologies like Onion routing, torrenting, or adblockers to exist, and they're iffy on open-source at the best of times. "Tech companies" are a misnomer, they are and have always been against technological innovation.
sometimes your owns against homo/transphobes arent funny enough to warrant consciously reminding me that people hate me for immutable characteristics about myself
I love opening up twitter and it's just this over and over again
eating buttered bread with honey and some cheese like a medieval peasant . this shit is sublime
where did society go wrong . why cant i just eat slices of meat with bread and cheese and butter and honey and fruits . why do i have to nuke something in the microwave
fucking post cancelled i just remembered chuck cutlery boards exist
dear god we boogified scharcookie boards
bougeie-fied
nobody fucking look at me
Sorry to everyone who’s enjoyed the last 130 years of science and culture journalism, but Disney needs the money to fund Toy Story 9
By Stephen Millies
The New York City Council unanimously approved a resolution on June 22 calling for an end to the cruel U.S. economic blockade of Cuba. The next day a news conference was held in front of City Hall to celebrate this victory. “This blockade must stop,” declared Council member Charles Barron, who was the resolution’s prime sponsor.
tomfoolery at an all time high
we are so fucking back baby
“it's so much better than that though. It's about the children realizing they didn't understand the parents as well as they thought and the parents realizing that they had passed down generational trauma and both parties ending the trauma together paving way for a happier family. Honestly it's probably a result of more people getting therapy and our society getting more open with talking about mental illness” -FB comment
What house decor screams “I’m straight”?
I can’t decide which one of these I like best
Complied from the notes, straight space bingo
me a few years ago: its so weird how right wingers always wanna blame the "elite" given that alot of them are in the global 1% of wealth and therefore almost by definition the same "elite" they claim to hate. weird right? lol right wing logic makes no sense
me now: oh my god they mean Jewish people. its always been Jewish people. and the insistence of online leftists to use words like "elite" and "cabal" (to refer to a handful of ultra rich people who dictate a lot of how our lives are run) kinda makes them sound like antisemites too. maybe this whole idea that the world is run by a select few is a gross oversimplification which only serves to reinforce antisemitic stereotypes... oh no. maybe i have a lot of shit to unlearn. maybe i need to start vocally defending Jewish ppl. also local community building is the only way out of this
It still trips me up how these two things use the same word
elphierix
honestly what a fucking iconic response. obviously “hello my name is inigo montoya” is the fucking ultimate but we were all building up this confrontation, this fight, this moment right there alongside inigo who had been doing so for 20 (twenty) fucking years ~and in all that time did he ever think the count would just run away? ha lol no~ but then the count just fucking runs away. and yes it’s a moment of perfect comedic delivery/timing, but it’s also a classic moment of subversion in this movie that is so close to being perfect if not for westley’s shitty moustache (kudos to buttercup for still loving him even after she saw that). this film dances so delicately with fulfilling and subverting tropes and it’s moments like this that just exemplifies that
It’s also a super reasonable move. Count Rugen just watched this guy kill like four guys so fast the first hadn’t finished falling down when the last one was stabbed. This dude is no joke, and now he’s like “Oh also this isn’t about the king, I’m specifically here to kill YOU” and here the Count is in just some random hallway and Inigo has a huge guy behind him as backup and… yeah, absolutely not. Fucking run.
And I think that’s a big part of what makes it so funny, it’s not just that he’s subverting your expectations it’s that this is legitimately also the smart thing to do.
It’s also important to remember what the Count does after this, which is lure Inigo into a place where his threat is mitigated - where Fezzick doesn’t follow, where the Count has a vantage point to attack first.
The Count is a coward, but he’s clever and it’s only Inigo’s sheer refusal to die that wins out.