Don’t do this if your son likes somebody

(Technically; this also goes for your daughter obviously,  but for this blog’s purposes, I’m referring to the son). 

- Don’t go overboard in teasing him. Some good-natured teasing that doesn’t make him feel ashamed is fine. But don’t let it become excessive. Don’t poke fun and mock him about liking somebody every time the person’s name is mentioned. He’s just gong to feel embarrassed and avoid bringing the person around or confiding in you about it because he’ll get teased for it

- Don’t tell the family or your friends about it. I know it may seem innocent but think back to when you liked someone/had your first crush. Would you really want it to be broadcasted like that? If he’s okay with it, that’s different. But don’t just go spreading it around

- And an honorable mention: don’t act like every girl he mentions or is friends with (or a boy, if he likes them) is someone he’s interested in!

Parenting is hard. It just is. And parenting tiny humans with big emotions while being a big human with big emotions ourselves can feel overwhelming, terrifying & just flat out impossible.

So sometimes we unconsciously slip into ‘don’t rock the boat’ mode. We think, if we can just keep everyone calm we might just survive our children’s childhood without losing our minds or damaging our children too badly. So we shush & we redirect & we say inane things like, “Calm down!” and “You’re fine!” and “Stop overreacting!” and “You’re okay!” and just generally live life like emotions are some kind of whack-a-mole game that’s been set on fire & it’s our job to run around with wet towels & smack those big emotions down before we lose control. It’s exhausting. And it’s pointless.

Here’s the thing, parents: Your children are still going to have all of those normal emotions. They’re just going to start hiding them from you. And without you as their safe place to run to when they’re overwhelmed or scared or sad or frustrated or hurt, they’re going to be left alone with deep wells of pain they don’t know how to process. That pain won’t go away on its own. Ever. Over time it will either begin to erupt in bouts of rage, seethe into lies & sneaky behaviors, fester until it develops into self-hatred & self-destructive behaviors, or settle deeply into a child’s heart & result in depression or anxiety or shame or extreme sensitivity or a rigidity that demands perfection from themselves & others or a hardened heart that never learns to give & receive love.

Here’s a mantra to help you breathe through that moment of panic when your little one is upset & your first instinct is to shut them down. Memorize it. Or write it down. Or take a screen shot & make it your screensaver:

“This is my child’s crisis, not mine.

Emotions are okay. They will pass.

I can weather the storm with them.

I can guide them gently back to calm.

I am their safe place.”

Remember, tenderness is not weakness. And control isn’t the goal. Healthy humans are the goal. Love heals. Hugs help. They don’t have to go it alone.

-L.R.Knost

it’s late at night, you’re sat on the back porch of a small house in the countryside. it’s raining softly but you’re dry from the shelter of the roof canopy above you. the chair you’re sitting on is soft and you sink into it a little. blanket wrapped around you is warm, and it smells like a fond memory. you sit there listening to the rain pattering all around you.

everything is alright.

you’ll be okay.

let’s treat ourselves more gently. let’s go to bed early. let’s rest when we need to. let’s live life in a way that doesn’t make you feel burnt out after a few weeks. i want us to have fun, to enjoy everyday life, to be present and not to always push ourselves to the last limit. challenge yourself but also treat yourself with love. okay?

Mary Oliver, from Devotions: “Franz Marc’s Blue Horses”

— Liz Palmer

Your child will follow your example, not your advice.

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. -Vince Lombardi

— Clinton E. Arnold