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The Ramblings of a (Sentient???) Sword

@the-fickle-anglachel

did this blog have a theme? a recurring motif? probably, at some point
now I am just a queer disaster with ??? gender and a biochemistry degree who posts what they feel like
enter at your own peril, I guess

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Leonard Pollard

My mom was having trouble using they/them prnouns with some friends for a while. One day she said “I think the problem is that I haven’t changed the way I view their gender outside of their pronouncs which adds several extra steps in converting binary pronouns to they/them then conjugating it. So I need to shift how I see them as a gendered person entirely to make using their pronouns easier.” And since then she hardly ever messes up.

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A lot of the cis people in my life need this

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yourg4mem4sterth3whit3r4bbit

This is literally why people mess up pronouns and why it’s a problem.

Like the reason you’re not calling me “they” is because you still think of me as gendered the way you initially assumed. It’s not just the pronouns I want you to change, they only serve as an acknowledgement of the gender I want you to adjust your perspective to. If you did that, you wouldn’t struggle with it.

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Boss's wife upon hearing I'm a medieval scholar: Isn't it crazy all the things medieval people thought would stop the plague?

Me: *Fighting all my devils & angels not to bring up that she drank horse antiparasitic last year.*

You’re a better person than I

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My annotated Dracula has informed me that when Harker said his robber steak was “in the style of the London cat’s-meat!” he was referring to “A tradition in London was the “cat’s-meat man,” a vendor who sold little bits of meat on skewers for consumption by cats”

I am overjoyed by this knowledge that there were Victorians just randomly getting lil kebabs for their CATS

I am so happy to learn this was a thing, looks like they were door to door pet food sellers.

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I didn’t see any new posts about it but it is VITAL that new readers know this.

oh, now I know what my job would have been back then.

having anxiety is like being given permanent unwanted custody of a halter arabian. like okay buddy is it panic time again. cool you probably need more exercise and an apple and then maybe you'll calm down.

taking my stupid walks for my stupid mental health with my stupid hypervigilant brain horse

thoroughly enjoying the notes on this post because it's equal parts people with anxiety going "yeah that's what it's like" and people with arabians going "yeah that's what they're like"

Farmer family friend has an out of control mint problem around one of his greenhouses because he had a potted mint plant that he set on the ground and it grew a tendril out of the pot which touched the soil and grew roots.

It had never occurred to me before that a potted plant could escape.

Friendly reminder that mint is incredibly invasive when planted in the ground and it will crawl out from potted hell when it's just 1 cm near soil like the gremlin it is.

It's roots are fast growing and aggressive, leaving no space for other plants and basically taking over your entire garden. It's both fascinating and terrifying.

see also bamboo and Jerusalem artichokes

Bread Instagram is INSANE

HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THIS!!! HOW ARE YOU CELEBRATING. YOUR BREAD IS MISSING ITS BREAD!!!!! YOUR BREAD HAS NO BREAD IN YOUR BREAD!!!!

This guy says it has a “light and airy crumb” YEAH ILL BET!

@smallshrimphell​

Like what kills me is that this is actually pretty impressive. Working with high hydration dough is difficult on it’s own but at 106%!? And to work it just enough to develop the gluten so it doesn’t collapse while also keeping all the gas is hard. Timing the proof would have also been difficult. Looking at that crust they must have a really good oven set up as well. Hot as hell. Probably done in a preheated dutch oven.

And all in service... of this. The texture of the bread must be terrible. No fluffiness to it, all tough, thin strands of bread. Crust is probably lovely, but a crunchy dark crust is only nice when it covers lovely light, fluffy, soft bread. It’s the contrast of those textures that makes it work. I like an open airy crumb as much as the next bread maker but this is ridiculous.

Sometimes, things that are more work to make... are worse

This is none pizza left beef but homemade bread edition

None bread center crust center air

This isn't done for eating. This is done to see if you can do it.

This is the food Famine was serving at the Diner in Good Omens.

this thread is perfect

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I think there should be more appreciation for the fact that besides being a genus name, “Squilla” is also an acceptable common name for some stomatopods and I think that’s a lot better than “mantis shrimp” because it belongs to just them and it also just sounds right.

like yeah that’s a squilla alright

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you know how when you marry someone with a title, a lot of the time you also gain that title??? like. becoming a princess because you married the prince.

by that logic does marrying a wizard make you a wizard as well

i’ve met a lot of wizards who say it doesn’t work like that because wizard is like doctor

“i didn’t go to wizard school for ten years to be called MR. EVIL.”

sorcerers do work like that though if you marry a sorcerer you also become a sorcerer

A series of events:

1. I put in an Annual Leave request form almost 3 weeks ago and my boss has not approved it yet

2. I went into my office today and replaced every single writing utensil with crayons in preparation for April Fools Day on Monday

3. Whilst searching for pens to remove, I found my unsigned Annual Leave form in my boss’s drawer

4. I placed my unsigned Annual Leave form in a photo frame and put in on his desk

5. The frame I used was from a photo of his kids that I deemed less important than my Leave form

6. My boss sometimes goes into the office on Saturdays to work

7.

I appreciate the context of 1-6 or else 7 might have had some very concerning implications.

ID. incoming texts reading, “Going to sign your fucking leave form in crayon.” and “Where are my children.” End ID.

GLaDOS is literally the funniest character ever. Her arc culminates in her saying "I hate you so much it's not even worth the trouble of killing you, so just fucking LEAVE. And on your way out here's a full choir to sing 'Goodbye My Darling,' an Aria I wrote in Italian about how I love you and want you to be safe, which mentions you by name. Don't read into it. Get the fuck out. And here, something to remember me by: a box with a heart on it. Leave." to a woman who has literally never responded to anything she's ever said

You work as tech support for ancient supernatural beings who are trying to adapt to the modern world. It’s a frustrating - and at times dangerous - job, but at least your clients pay well.

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abronzeagegod

“My Great Destroyer, Consumer of Lands, Harbinger of the Deep Seas,” you say trying to keep the exasperation from your voice, “you need to be connected to the internet to see your email.”

“{}@&_@&%(#(&@__!*_”

“Yes. Can you move the mouse to the lower right side of the screen? There should be some little bars that will tell you if you are connected to the wi-fi.”

“&%)!^*^$%^!_%_$}{|”

“No my Great and Terrible the wi-fi is not a rival god from the desert lands, it’s just the technology that let’s you see your email.”

“!*&){}|@*#”

“Good, that means you are connected to the internet. Now if you can open your browser, Mozilla Firefox, Google Chrome, or even Microsoft Edge.”

“!@^&)(&@!&&&@}|”

You mute yourself so you can swear. “Yes, you can use Internet Explorer to access your AOL email account. If I may offer a suggestion?”

“$%^&*@”

“It will be easier in the long run, I promise. But Microsoft stopped supporting Internet Explorer a long time ago, and AOL is barely a company anymore. If you will let me walk you through some steps we can get you a modern web browser and a brand new email-”

“&^$}”

“Yes, with all of your old email.”

—-

Five hours of your life later, you’ve got the deep sea eldritch god set up with Firefox and a new email with forwarding from it’s old email. Just when you start to think that this job isn’t remotely worth it, a small crab-like creature crawls across your desk. (you can’t in good conscious call it a crab because it somehow has both too many eyes, legs, and pincers, and not enough of the same. yet your brain interprets the being as “crab”)

It’s about the size of a coffee mug and it holds something up for you, shaking one of it’s many claws at you.

You take the small thing, and crab scuttles away to where ever it came from.

The small thing in your palm seems to be a tiny treasure chest, the kind of thing that you’d put in a goldfish bowl. It feels wet and the kind of slimy something gets from being covered in seaweed.

You put it down on your desk just in time for it to rapidly expand, cracking a support on your desk and covering you in sea water.

Before you can get mad about it the chest opens revealing a small horde of gold, jewels, and a bottle of what you have to assume is pirate rum.

“Oh! Cool!” one of your coworkers say as they pop their head up over the cubicle wall. “I wish I got pirate booty once in a while.”

“Why, what did Thyrien, Emissary of the Sun, give you for helping them recover their steam library?” you ask.

“A sense of peace and calm about my life and place in the world.”

“Oh sounds nice.”

“It is. They also gave me this ceremonial headdress.” You coworker disappears for a moment and puts on a giant headdress that appears to be made from gold and platinum and has several truly giant diamonds all over it.

“Wow,” you say.

“Yeah, I’m thinking I should wear this to the next company mixer.”