Sadly I can check off alot of items from this list. Time and self education are the only things that will help reclaim life back once you lose yourself with emotional abuse.
Anonymous asked:
Do you (or your followers) have any tips on escaping a financially abusive relationship? We are not married but living together and I do not have a steady job/my source of $ is 85% dependent on him currently. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression, and health issues including chronic fatigue syndrome. I can work but I am limited in what I can do and how much I can lift.
Financial abuse is incredibly, insidious and difficult to escape. I would recommend that you look into opening a PO Box, and then open a separate bank account. Have all mail regarding that bank account sent to your PO Box. Look into getting a job over the phone possibly with a temp agency; the COVID-19 pandemic has made opportunities to work from home more viable. Also save whatever you can from the allowance that you’re given, and put it away into your secret bank account. If you’re able to blame it on inflation, ask for a little more money than you really need for groceries etc. You can also put that aside. 
This article might also be helpful:
It hits on some important points such as,
• Gather and store important documents. If you are living with the abuser, store important documents somewhere safe outside the home, if at all possible, such as a safe deposit box or a friend or family’s home. These include birth certificates (yours and the children’s), marriage certificates (if applicable), social security cards, bank statements, and ownership documents of jointly owned property. Abusers frequently prevent a victim’s access to these after the victim leaves, so it’s important to do this as part of your preparation for leaving.
• Find at least one trustworthy ally who understands financial abuse to help you sort out your thoughts and make a plan of action. Many victims feel ashamed and isolated, and this, along with financial pressures, can contribute to staying stuck. Some places to find support include your friends and family (as long as you can be sure they will not talk to the abuser about what you share), a local organization helping victims and survivors of domestic violence, a counselor or therapist who understands domestic violence, or a hotline such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (or TTY 1-800-787-3224).
• Research the programs and services in your area that help domestic violence victims. Knowing how to apply for public assistance or your options for temporary or longer-term housing will help you feel more confident that help will be available when you need it. Often programs and financial assistance sources have waiting periods and complex application requirements, so being armed with information can help you prepare ahead of time.
• Cancel joint bank and credit accounts by calling the issuer and asking to have your name removed. This won’t undo damage the abuser may have already done, but it will prevent new attempts to rack up debt in your name, take money from you, and damage your credit.
I hope this information helps a little bit and you’re able to construct a safe plan to escape! Please write back in if you need any more support or advice.
Anonymous asked:
i’m in bonding trauma with the man i loved ,i’ve been 3 years in the relationship and in the beginning he was very kind then i loved him in a crazy way and i was so attached the. he changed he started to insult me and treat me like shit then i sent him photos of me then when i wanted to break up with him he blackmailed me with my photos then sent them all to my family and friends and left me broken …and now after 2 years i met him at work and i got attached again to him i’m traumatized and yet i can’t stay away from him ..i’m so depressed that i thaught i was doing fine and getting better with my therapist then everything collapsed when he started to tell me that he still love me and he had so many relationships after me but he wasn’t happy he was thinking of me and that he regretted blackmailing me and he wants another chance and i know that he will hurt me again but i can’t leave ..please help me i don’t know how to stay away from him and how to get better again ..should i leave suddenly or i should do this gradually what is better for me as i’m afraid to leave suddenly then i got broken and try to reach out to him again and stay in that toxic cycle ..i want to be set free help me please
Trauma bonds us to our abuser and makes it very psychologically difficult to break away. You can break your trauma bond with determination, and no contact, but that’s easier said than done. I hope these articles can help you break free. The fact you’re writing in asking for help tells me you know you need to escape. You want to be set free and the courage to do that lies within yourself. Someone who blackmailed you is not a safe person, that sort of psychological violence could very easily spill over into physical violence if it hasn’t already. This affects your life and even your safety. I know you want to live a life free from this persons abuse, and I know you have the courage to break free and heal. I hope these articles also help a little bit!
Anonymous asked:
Hey sorry if this is random but I found your blog just now and it looks like it hasn't been updated since 2014. Just wanted to let you know that I find your blog helpful and I hope that you are okay
Hello thank you for the kind message, I am doing good. I’m a full time college student, and that has been taking up a lot of my energy!
I’m not sure what you were looking at, but I have updated this blog since 2014! Just not as frequently as I used to. I’ve been running it for about 10 years since I was a teenager and now into my mid twenties. Life gets more busy, and I may post with less frequency; but I leave this blog open to share additional resources when I come across them. I also try to respond in a timely manner to anyone who reaches out asking for help or advice. This blog is always a safe space for survivors, and a compilation of resources meant to aid them in their healing! :)
Inverted Narcissists are Covert Narcissists:
The Inverted Narcissist is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist.
To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist".
Not all covert narcissists are inverted narcissists. But all inverted narcissists are covert (“shy”, “fragile”) narcissists. They are self-centred, sensitive, vulnerable, and defensive, or hostile, and paranoid. They harbour grandiose fantasies and have a strong sense of entitlement. They tend to exploit other, albeit stealthily and subtly. Covert narcissists are aware of their innate limitations and shortcomings and, therefore, constantly fret and stress over their inability to fulfil their unrealistic dreams and expectations. They avoid recognition, competition, and the limelight for fear of being exposed as frauds or failures. They are ostentatiously modest.
Covert narcissists often feel guilty over and ashamed of their socially-impermissible aggressive urges and desires. Consequently, they are shy and unassertive and intensely self-critical (perfectionist). This inner conflict between an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and a grandiose False Self results in mood and anxiety disorders. They team up with classic narcissists (see below), but, in secret, resent and envy them.
Contrary to misinformation spread by "experts" online, covert narcissists are not cunning and manipulative. Classic narcissists are: they often disguise their true nature effectively, knowingly, and intentionally. They are persistent actors with great thespian skills. Not so the covert narcissist: he suppresses his true nature because he lacks the confidence to assert it. His is not a premeditated choice: can't help but shy away. The covert narcissist is his own worst critic. . Lidija Rangelovska suggests that covert narcissism may develop late in life (during adolescence or even early adulthood) as a reaction to abuse by peers or to social rejection.
Inverted narcissism may be the outcome of arrested narcissistic development: the formation of the False Self is disrupted and incomplete and the inverted narcissist is forced to resort to and depend upon the False Self of another narcissist (her partner) in order to regulate her sense of self-worth.
Anonymous asked:
How to get rid of my narcissist mother. She enjoys continuously abuse me. What to do? Am feeling suicidal
Hi, if you are dealing with suicidal feelings you can always reach out to the suicide hotline. 800-273-TALK (8255) I hope that you know that there is always hope and you have the courage to heal from this abuse.
Narcissistic abuse at the hands of a parent is very overwhelming, and can cause intense psychological pain/distress. You can make an escape plan to cut contact with your Mother for your emotional wellbeing. I'm not sure how old you are or if you live with your parents, but this article is about how to cut off abusive parents as an adult: source
If you are still a minor I would encourage you to reach out to a trusted adult like a school counselor or teacher, and share what's happening. I don't know of this abuse is emotional or physical but I would encourage you to start documenting any injuries etc. I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with this and I hope you are able to safely extricate yourself from contact with your abuser.
is it possible to be to broke for a relationship?
Toxic and unhealthy relationships can absolutely leave the victim involved feeling broken, lot and struggling to trust their judgement.
"Emotional abuse is traumatic. It erodes a person’s sense of self and causes intense anxiety. Often in adult relationships, it’s insidious because a person is manipulated into believing the abuse is his or her fault. As a result, the person remains in the relationship and incurs additional mistreatment.
Growing up with an emotionally abusive parent is also traumatic. Often referred to as, “attachment trauma,” the parent routinely admonishes a child for expressing a feeling the parent does not like, lacks empathy, and constantly inflicts shame and guilt. The emotionally unavailable parent prevents the child from consolidating a strong sense of self, resulting in a child who continually distrusts and doubts what he or she feels and is plagued with anxiety. This child often grows into an adult who feels inadequate, worried, and anxious.
Although, physical, sexual, emotional, and attachment trauma erodes a person’s mental health, a person who minimizes personal trauma may need validation that the trauma is significant. After accepting the trauma as “real,” a person may be able to embrace help. A person who makes an effort to process the trauma while engaging in therapeutic endeavors that reestablish emotional fortitude may be capable of overcoming the problematic experiences. Processing the distressing scenarios with a trusted person and proactively engaging in daily coping mechanisms may allow a person to eventually recover and move past the trauma." source
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with these feelings and I hope you find a safe space to process the traumatic emotions your dealing with and heal.
“Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably… If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul.”
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Anonymous asked:
Is it normal for you to develop an irrational hatred of a year where you had trauma because you feel it's repeating in a sense? Like I hate 9th grade despite it being over a decade ago and not being one of the worst trauma years of my life. Like I feel there's some closure lacking, wishing I could do things differently back then and that the people who hurt me then would be held accountable and more validation that what I went through was not okay.
I think this is normal, and I would wager a majority of us wouldn’t accept any amount of money to repeat the horror that is high school. (To those of you who had a great high school experience I envy you!)
Trauma can make you feel stuck. I have traumatic memories around certain points in my childhood and when I recall those moments they often make me start to shake and cry. You have unprocessed trauma around that period and it’s okay to feel however you do when recalling it. If you feel a lack of closure I would encourage you to write letters to the people who hurt you. They never need to be sent. Simply writing them down can have a cathartic affect.
Allow yourself to grieve for the child that was hurt. Perhaps even write a letter to you all those years ago saying everything you would say to someone who went through what you did. Some thing that was hugely healing for me was writing. I started writing short stories that reflected my own abuse in childhood.
Words can destroy and break people but they can also heal; they can remind people that we are not alone. You seem to have a very strong voice I would encourage you to use it in whatever outlet feels best for you. A blog, a private journal, video diaries, or perhaps sharing it with a counselor. 
What you went through wasn’t okay. It was wrong and no one deserves to be abused. I hope you find peace and healing ❤️
Anonymous asked:
How do I support my sister in getting out of an abusive relationship? She’s trauma-bonded and addicted to always going back. She never makes a clean break and our family is terrified for her well-being but she can’t seem to see that there is a way out!
Your sister is struggling with something called a traumatic bond.
These are deeply programmed into your psyche and very difficult to break. As terrifying as it may seem, all you can do is give her a plan to leave when she is ready, & let her know you love/support her. Leaving an abusive partner is a very dangerous time for the victim and she might not feel psychologically safe enough to survive without him at this point. I know that you want to encourage her to leave but it’s important not to come from a judgmental point of view when giving her these resources.
In my abusive relationships I look back at the horrific treatment that I allowed myself to receive and I am stunned that I didn’t immediately leave. It’s because by the time they start abusing you on that level they’ve already psychologically broken you down to the point where you think that there is no way out. You truly start to believe that this is the best that you are ever going to get. You also delude yourself into believing you can “fix” them back into the person they pretended to be when they trapped you to begin with.
When family members encourage a victim to leave it can actually make the victim feel like they can’t rely on their family anymore, because they don’t support the relationship. That’s why it’s important to let her know that you support her being treated well and not abused. If she starts to feel like you just want her to leave him and can’t understand why she would stay it could lead to her cutting off contact with you. In a misguided attempt to protect her abuser.
Love her, give her a safe space and let her know when she’s ready to leave you will be there; and while she stays you’ll pray for her safety and also support her even if it breaks your heart to watch her being treated that way. That sort of love has a hugely healing affect that will strengthen her when she finds the courage to leave. ❤️
Traumatic Bonding – How to Break Free of Trauma Bonds:
Traumatic bonding happens when we are in an abusive relationship but feel unable to leave. We hold onto a promised better future, focus on the positives and ignore the rest, and feel a sense of loyalty to the person everyone else says we must leave.
So how can you break free of a trauma bond when it feels easier to stay?
9 Ways to Break Traumatic Bonding:
1. STOP THE SECRET SELF-BLAME.
Is there a secret voice in your head that says you are to stupid or weak to leave, that you deserve this, that it’s the best you’ll get?
What if it’s not your fault that you can’t leave? What if, actually, your brain is programmed to be loyal to an abuser and see the best in an abusive situation?The truth is that most of us who end up in this sort of relationship suffered abuse as a child, whether that was sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or physical abuse. As a child, making the best of the abusive situation was the only option.
Unless you did therapy to process your beliefs and experiences, your brain will still believe this is the best survival tactic – to put up with abuse. If the person who abused you was a parent or family member, you might even have a deep-rooted unconscious core belief that abuse is love.
2. START REALITY TRAINING.
A defense mechanism we use to stay trapped by a trauma bond is denial. We block out, quickly forget, and/or rewrite the reality of the abuse and focus on the things he or she promised – that future marriage that never comes, that day he or she quits drinking. Making a record of everything that happens is a great start to ‘getting real’. But of course this must be something your abuser can never find. Leave the list at work, or in an email draft of an account he or she does not and will never have the pass code to.
Each day write down key points of what happened between you. What he or she said and did. Be as factual as possible. And sure, write down the good things, too. Start to see if there are patterns. You might even want to write your entire relationship out like a story that happened to someone else. “One day, he was walking into a bar, and he met her…..”. When we remove ourselves like this, our unconscious allows forgotten things to surface.
3. ASK GOOD QUESTIONS.
Questions can shift our perspective, reveal our true feelings and give us clarity.
The secret is to learn how to ask good questions. Avoid ‘why’ questions, which send you on a spiral and can leave you depressed (learn more in our article on “the Power of the Right Questions to Move Your Life Forward”.)
How long ago did your partner start making promises? What has he or she done exactly to fulfil those promises? What is your ideal relationship? How does this relationship differ? What changes do you want your partner to make? What proof do you have they can make such changes?
4. SHIFT PERSPECTIVE.
A shift in perspective gives you all new clarity. You can try out the perspective of anyone, real or fictional, dead or alive, and even different versions of yourself.
How would your 80 year-old self feel looking back at your life? What would your 5 year old self tell you about what you are doing right now? If you bumped into Lady Gaga with your partner, what would she have to say? What about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? If you suddenly won the lottery, what would you do about this situation?
5. START A LONG PUT-OFF PROJECT WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT.
The thing about trauma bonds is that we lose ourselves to them. Our entire life becomes about the intense highs and lows of the relationship. Putting our focus on a long put off goal is about remembering who we are. Make sure it is nothing to do with your partner. Whether it’s learning ballet, writing a novel, or finally finishing high school, this is your lifeline back to yourself.
6. PUT YOUR FOCUS ON FEELING.
Abuse is numbing. It leads to dissociation, where you feel you are floating out of your body. Or emotional dysregulation, where you have wild fluctuating big emotions, but through the storm don’t know which ones are your real feelings.
Starting to feel what we have been repressing gives us a clearer picture of what we are really going through.
Set your alarm to go off several times a day then sit for a minute trying to notice what you feel.
Can you name the emotion? (Bored isn’t an emotion. What is beneath the emotion? Sadness? Grief?). Check in with your body next. How I am feeling in my skin? Do I feel tension, unease, fatigue? Where in my body do I feel unwell or tense?
7. STOP THE GAMES.
One of the ways a trauma bond thrives is through intensity and conflict. So one of the ways to dampen the bond is to stop your side of the battle.
- Stop the blame. Start noticing each time you say ‘you make me feel this when you do that’. Replace ‘you’ sentences by making them ‘I’ ones which stops the blame. “I feel this when you do that’.
- Stop demanding they explain things. Each time you hear yourself wanting to force them to explain try to step away and timeout. An abuser will never tell you the truth anyway.
- Make a list of all the ways you expect then to change. You cannot change someone else. Try to stop pushing for any of those changes (this will also help you see them more clearly).
- Have a friend you can call instead when you are upset. Use a timer so you only rant for 5 minutes. Enough time to break your need for intensity but not destroy your friendship.
8. TAP INTO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU.
This does not mean you have to become religious, or believe in God.
For some, spirituality means getting out in nature, for others it is meditating and feeling a higher power. For others, it’s simply taking a quiet moment to think of all the other people in the world going through a similar situation and doing their best. The point is to realize you are not alone. That there might be bigger reasons for you to be here, and it’s time to move forward.
9. SEEK UNBIASED SUPPORT.
If there is only one thing on this list you do, make it this one. Breaking a trauma bond is hard to do alone, and support is vital.
Unbiased support means support from someone outside the situation, who isn’t part of your life or invested in your choices. This might at first be a support group, or an online forum of other women who are going through something similar.
Do your best to find some professional support, too. Remember most trauma bonding happens because we already went through trauma in the past. So there is a lot going on, and it can be truly overwhelming to navigate alone. A professional is trained in helping you have clarity of thought and to find your inner resources. They are a willing ear, too, when you just need to rant or cry in ways you never usually let yourself.
What is grooming?
Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked. Anybody can be a groomer, no matter their age, gender or race. Grooming can take place over a short or long period of time – from weeks to years. Groomers may also build a relationship with the young person's family or friends to make them seem trustworthy or authoritative.
It can be difficult to tell if a child is being groomed – the signs aren't always obvious and may be hidden. Older children might behave in a way that seems to be "normal" teenage behaviour, masking underlying problems.
Some of the signs you might see include:
• being very secretive about how they're spending their time, including when online
• having an older boyfriend or girlfriend
• having money or new things like clothes and mobile phones that they can't or won't explain
• underage drinking or drug taking
• spending more or less time online or on their devices
• being upset, withdrawn or distressed
• sexualised behaviour, language or an understanding of sex that's not appropriate for their age
• spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time.
• A child is unlikely to know they've been groomed. They might be worried or confused and less likely to speak to an adult they trust.
Effects of grooming:
Grooming can have both short and long-term effects. The impact of grooming can last a lifetime, no matter whether it happened in person, online or both. A child or young person might have difficulty sleeping, be anxious or struggle to concentrate or cope with school work. They may become withdrawn, uncommunicative and angry or upset.
Who's at risk?
Any child is at risk of being groomed. And it's important to remember that both boys and girls can be groomed. Children who are groomed online could be abused by someone they know. They could also be abused by someone who commits a one-off act or a stranger who builds a relationship with them. Some children are more at risk of grooming, particularly those who are vulnerable. Children in care, with disabilities or who are neglected can be targeted by groomers. Groomers will exploit any vulnerability to increase the likelihood a child or young person will become dependent on them and less likely to speak out.
You can also contact your local child protection services or the police to report your concerns about any type of grooming - whether it's happening online, in person or both.