cmon child safety lid you know it's me
My boyfriend was showing me his cat and I leaned over to kiss the cat on his soft little baby head and he went "meow" and scrambled away because I'd been wearing my headphones and I accidentally jabbed him with the microphone.
And I said "Damn, this is exactly like in the Iliad"
#explanation: this references the scene where Hektor the prince of troy goes to his wife after a battle and leans in to kiss his son #(who is still a baby and being held in andromache's arms) #but his son cringes away in fear of his father's battle helmet #it's a gut wrenching scene about how war dehumanizes you and separates you from the people you love #this interpretation implies that being a gamer is analogous
tried to google search for that post that's like.. something about squids and it goes "the squirterrrrrrrrr" and believe it or not that did not show me the thing i was looking for
hey guys ✌️ just checking in. "the squirter meme" didnt bring it up either
(exhausted and covered in blood) i found it
my wife, upon learning that pubes can be straight: Thats not bush,,, thats just grass




WAIT

I had a really bad migraine last night, but I've run out of everything except these hungarian pain killers my dad gave me 9 years ago, anyway I don't remember anything and I can't feel my tongue and the only thing in my search history is this
anyways can someone drive me to the hospital
what state are you in?
pretty bad
YOUR LOCATION
Light that sucker up
@maeamian coming in ... delightfully sporting
[img txt: #simple #i would bunt the baby and sprint for first #thus making the problem that of handling the live ball/baby the problem of the catcher and third baseman #who would then have to throw the baby to first before I got there #Then I'd steal second because what're they gonna do try to toss a baby back and forth to get me in a rundown? No fuckin way #I'd take a quick break on second before stealing third and then home #for the game's single most upsetting inside the park home run]


Stop putting this christian baby in Situations
genuinely in love with the reveal, from the baby prodigy scenario, that Christian Baby does not refer simply to a baby baptised and born to christians, but to an infant that holds a belief in christian theology
I've never watched Scott Pilgrim but I'm reading about this animated Netflix series and apparently one of the reasons they were able to get the whole cast of the 2010 movie to reprise their roles is bc Michael Cera fucking responded to a 9 year old cast email thread out of nowhere as if no time had passed and got the cast all chatting with each other again
I like to say ____ jumpscare whenever I see something that I recognize
*walks into bookstore, sees Hall & Oates cd, is not jumped or scared whatsoever* omg Hall & Oates jumpscare
Countries that meet the requirements of the 2016 Paris Agreement

Nice work all
Posts that make you want to take world leaders hostage
deletes you forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [you still exist as metadata]
enough preg let's litigate a new fetish. step right up who's got a good one
your mind is so beautiful. im obsessed. i dont even want to litigate over the morals of this one im just mentally playing in this space with u rn. what if i was a naughty little mothgirl and mommy tortured me with stinky mothballs
never getting over how genuinely distressed tai lung looks when po does his shuffling trick. mid fight this man stops and panics because he cant figure out a childrens magic trick

hitting you hitting you hitting you hitting you hi-
one thing about americans is that they know how to make a fucking milkshake
i hate the stupid milk consistency shit you get here like if you give me a milkshake it better be rock fucking solid. i want that thang thick like concrete. it should piss me off trying to drink it through a straw. i should have to wait for it to thaw
my body is a machine that turns sucked dicks into dicks
forgot my night time garlic bread in the oven for the length of 2 mythbusters wpisodes and when i opened the oven door it was so thoroughly cremated that i was blinded not by smoke and ash but what surely must have been its Soul as well









