Ramblings

The day after my last day of work at Brookdale, I achieved my Health Care Aide certification!

Now, I've been out on Orcas Island, with my love, for about a week and a half.

We're hardly unpacked, no jobs lined up, kinda getting stressy-depressy, but overall....I still think this was a good move for us. It's not working out as well as we'd hoped for his mom, however. She's either sleeping or smoking, and demanding that Anthony do certain things for her (like pick up more cigarettes), instead of trying to figure things out herself. (Town is only a 10-15 minute walk away from the house...a little longer for her to slowly get around, but still...)

There's been a lot of cleanup, a lot of ideas in regards to the house, as well as firing out if we can create a partial wrap-around porch (we can! it's just gonna take some time and money to make it happen).

Please send good vibes our way as we navigate this life change. 💕

It says a lot when all of your coworkers say, "What are we going to do without you? This place won't run the same. 😭"

Just 3 more work days after today before A and I move to Orcas (with his mom, too...). Official move date is October 3rd. We're both getting so anxious 🥲

Quick update, lots of change coming:

1. I'm on my way to becoming an NAC. For a few years, I considered pursuing this kind of career, but thought I was too much of an Empath to survive it. Turns out, I'm just enough of an Empath to excel at it!

2. Anthony and I are still going strong 💕🥰 (regardless of still dealing with his mom living with us and making things a living hell sometimes).

3. WE'RE MOVING!! My mom presented us with an opportunity, and we took it! Over the next couple months, we're preparing to leave Spokane together, and move into my family's house on Orcas Island! We're hoping to buy the house from my mom after staying there for a year. 😱😬

4. Anthony's mom has been recovering well from her cancer. She switched from Chemo to Immunotherapy, and it's been helping a lot more. Unfortunately, she's still making our lives chaos. Anthony's debating if he even wants to bring her with us to Orcas. She's ungrateful, starts fights, and spends all her money on useless things from Amazon. The biggest reason though, is she embellished a story about a recent fight they had to a wound care nurse....as a caregiver, she reported it to the state as adult abuse, and Anthony almost got investigated for it (which would've ended with him in jail for 5 years). His mom withheld the letter he received for TWO WEEKS, before finally handing it over in the hopes he wouldn't be mad. We called the investigator and told his side, and the investigation was dropped, but she almost fucked up both our lives, and he's still pissed about it. She's not even sorry??? She thinks he overreacted, but he just gave her the silent treatment for a couple days. He's run out of energy to fight with her anymore. If she starts arguing he just shuts her bedroom door and leaves. She's already told him that once we all move, she's going to stop treatments. She doesn't want to go through the hassle of changing everything over to the West side of the state. All I see coming from that is her getting super sick again, the cancer taking over, and her dying within a couple months, at which point...why even bother coming with us??

YA'LL

I miss you.

I hope life is treating you well, and if not: kick it's ass!

Much love. 💜

I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE UNIVERSE WANTS ME TO DOOOO

(it's Hella frustrating to apply to new jobs, plus try to figure out which jobs to apply to in the first place 😭)

Wish I had a sugar-buddy 🥺

I've got an interview tomorrow....for a sparkly mini-donut place!

Here's to hoping I can nail this interview!

Update for anybody wanting one:

Jennifer (Anthony's mom) is getting on all of our nerves. Our rent is about to increase, so we're considering moving to a bigger, more accessible space (but rent everywhere here has skyrocketed). I'm now having to job-hunt again because the owners of the restaurant I work at decided to sell the place, and now I'm out of work as of the 21st of August.

Anthony's talking about (if his mom doesn't start treating us better with everything we've been doing for her) asking her to either find her own housing or move into hospice. (She being very toxic rn, and we're both trying to be understanding, but she has no excuse for constantly bitching about Anthony not giving her more than two ciggs a day when she's supposed to be quitting, not listening to us when we give her our availability for the week, and constantly saying that HE needs to treat HER better, since she's going through all of this [doctors visits, about to start chemo, got a colostomy bag] FOR HIM.

Sorry, I'm just Hella frustrated rn. It seems every time life starts getting better, it gets so much worse. 😖

Our vacation went well; been home for two weeks, now.

Anthony's mom had her surgery on Monday; all they did was a biopsy and attaching a colonoscopy bag. She was told this morning that's she's got stage 4 cancer; it has reached her lungs, too.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen in the coming months; all I know is I'm going to support Anthony as much as I can 💕

Only a few more days until the visit with my family! I'm really looking forward to this vacation!

Tentative plan for the rest of 2021:

Vacation to visit my family in the beginning of July.

Work HELLA and save money leading up to August/September.

Sell a bunch of furniture/small things we don't need anymore before moving.

Find job(s) on Orcas.

Find affordable housing on Orcas (this is the biggest hurdle).

Rent a moving truck, then move to Orcas Island in September/October.

Figure out Healthcare and doctors for Anthony's mom.

When she decides to be done... Anthony and I will move in with my brother, Alex, and help pay off the house. Then, keep saving a bunch of money and look into cool trips/places we want to try living. We're planning on living on Orcas for at least a couple years.

Why is it always a week before a trip that I start getting Hella anxious?

I've got lists for what we need to but beforehand, what needs to be packed, and what needs to be taken care of before we leave.

I've got the time off secured with work, and our housing for the trip is figured out. I've already got ferry reservations, too!

I've got a preliminary schedule planned out so we can just pick and choose what we'd like to do on any given day...

I guess I'm honestly just nervous about how Anthony's mom will like my family...especially since she's been in *a mood* for the last couple weeks.

She said she'd be trying to smoke less, but she went from less than a pack a day to almost two full packs after having one particularly stressful day with almost unmanageable pain, even with the hydros her doctor prescribed. She'll need to either minimize the amount again, or stock up A LOT before we head out there, because things are $2-$5 more expensive.

I'm hoping she'll be able to focus on relaxing and gaining some strength while we're all on vacation together; she's got her surgery only a few days after we return. There's a very big chance that if she hasn't gained more strength, or will to live, that she won't make it through. I hope she can see there still so much more to live for. Especially now that we're all planning on moving closer to my family (like, really close...on the same island kinda close)!

I can already tell that Anthony's getting more stressed, too. We both know that if she doesn't want to stick around, she won't. He's been trying so hard not to just react to her (he's got a temper).

She's told me she doesn't want him being her caretaker, but that's exactly what he's been for the past year/two years, and he's been doing more for her, on top of taking extra hours at work. She thinks he takes them to not be home, but he works so much so we can all afford this trip, as well as the move we're planning in the coming months. Anthony's not selfish.

My knees and ankles have really started hurting more everyday that I work or walk a lot...😖

I wouldn't say I have a fear of weight checking, but it definitely hurts my self esteem. 😞 I had to check recently because I'm trying to get healthy, and knowing where I'm currently at should be a good starting point...but it hurt to see the number. I legit almost started crying. 🥺 All I can say is that I'm the heaviest I've ever been.

Anthony and I are both trying to eat better, drink more water and less soda/sugary coffee, as well as adding hiking and biking a couple times a week. Having him by my side, accepting me as I am, and working with me is a huge help. I honestly think I'd fall into a deeper depression if he wasn't my supportive partner. 💕

After a couple discussions to figure out how to get Anthony's mom treated (and possibly better), we've all come to the decision to move to Orcas Island (where my family's at). Regardless of how long she has, and depending on if she makes it through surgery after we get back from our Vacation in July, we all believe living on Orcas will be better for her mentally and physically, so she can have a more relaxing last few months.

Now, to figure out exact moving dates, sell a bunch of our stuff, and actually find a place! (My brothers would've been fine having Anthony and I living at their house, but his mom is a smoker, and they've already experienced having a dying person living in the house with them, so I really can't be mad at them not wanting to go through that again....)

Send good vibes, friends! 💕💕💕

Me: *having a good day, even at work*

Boss: *trusts me to handle the kitchen by myself*

Me: *depression slowly creeps in*

Me: "I guess this is okay."

Depression: *AMPLIFIES*

Me: "Why do I feel so heavy? Why do I wanna cry all-of-a-sudden? Wait...have I been holding back, trying to support my partner through this difficult time, and pushed aside my own emotional and mental struggles? FUUUUUCK"

Hey friends: please send good vibes my and my partner's way over the next few months; about to have a very difficult goodbye, and possibly big move right after.

Yesterday, Anthony and I found out that his mom has 2 tumors, 2 lesions on her liver, and white nodes on her adrenal glands.

The doctor she saw yesterday requested she go in for a surgery that she might not make it through today, or as soon as possible; otherwise, she most likely only has 6 months (suffering) left of her life...

She's currently planning on getting her affairs in order; transferring bills and her car's registration over to Anthony. She's already been saving money for cremation, kinda knowing what doctors were going to tell her already. After the life she's lived, and already having gone through this particular cancer, I trust in her insights about her own body.

She's doesn't want to fight anymore; but she's decided she'll figure things out between now and the end of July, and then get the surgery, start chemo, and see if she can prolong her life a couple years more....(but she doesn't think she'll even be around the full 6 months, regardless if she gets the medical help).

She's decided to go with Anthony and I to visit my family on Orcas, and spend some much-needed time in cooler, but sunny weather, near the water, and just have one last enjoyable "vacation" before living the rest of what life she's got.

Anthony has decided that once she passes, we're moving to Orcas to save some money by living with my brothers for at least a year, maybe more. Live some island life and figure out what we want to do for our future.

A lot of changes are about to happen, and even though this is a scary time for all of us, I think this is the best we've all gotten along. I only hope that things can go smoothly, and that the rest of her life can at least be pain-free, or have less pain.

Got an impromptu day off a couple days ago with my love 💕💕

Visited an aquarium and hung out with some stingrays, giving them pets, for almost an hour!

My coworker asked me the other day if I think I'll ever get married to my current partner (Anthony).

My immediate answer was an enthusiastic "Yes!", and she was like, "Good! Because y'all are absolutely adorable together!".

He had just worked with me at my restaurants' location on his day off from his, so was being his goofy, teasing-me-even-at-work self 🤣😬

She thinks we already act like an old married couple, and I definitely think we'll end up being those embarrassing old people where he still smacks my butt whenever he gets a chance 😆❤💜🔥