(773):

I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish

(586):

Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face

(+44):

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

(240):

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

(248):

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

(734):

Omg the world wants us to be better people

(541):

I refuse

(239):

We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.

(385):

I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor

(252):

So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.

(812):

I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing

(517):

Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on

(812):

Nope

(405):

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

(402):

Holy shit, we’re married as fuck.

(815):

I don’t really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

(508):

This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.

(205):

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

(239):

COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

(646):

(239):

Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

(305):

false alarm. still invincible.

(540):

I sense lesbianism

(703):

That's a weird power

(989):

He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.