me looking at john singer sargents watercolours: Just Fuck Of...
:////
(Adding some of his alligator watercolors to this post)
‘Making a Demon’ by Jana Heidersdorf
inspiration, art, illustration, to do
One of my students wrote a very eloquent and well-researched paper for her english class about the unfair advantages and lack of accountability given to student athletes, and she specifically called out how much worse it is with football and basketball, and bruh. People are getting heated over this shit. She spoke nothing but the truth, and the football and basketball teams are PISSED — coaching staff included. Like she legit created a little controversy at our school by calling out the fact that athletics are prioritized over academics. WITH SOURCES.
And what’s funny is she played it smart — not only by giving herself some plausible deniability by writing it about high schools and colleges in general rather than just about our school, but also by calling out the worst sports specifically. She could have left it at ALL student athletes, but by explicitly stating that football and basketball are the worst perpetrators, she won all the other athletes to her side — golf, tennis, swimming, track. Instead of having all student athletes at her throat, she turned everyone against the basketball and football teams.
I’m so proud of her. Nobody listens to teachers when we bring up that half the football team is failing all their classes, but let a fellow student bring it up and everyone’s ready to riot.
you're all mentally deranged i want you to know that
Flaw is pronounced like straw, and floor is pronounced like store
"floor" and "store" are entirely incomparable in the fact that store has a hard T and I don't believe in the existence of a hard L
shutup. you are all completely wrong
I am going to wreck precise and meticulous havoc on every organ you possess
I'm not voting on this because I know what is going on here.
This is the source vs. sauce argument all over again. Americans emphasise "r"s and their accent means they shape their vowels differently. This is not knew information.
For me, Flaw and floor sound the same. Because I'm Australian and an "r" after a vowel isn't savoured the way it is in an American, or Canadian, or Irish mouth.
Sorry as someone who teaches rhetoric this is a wonderful response to the Paradox of Tolerance. I cannot tell you how many times my students have had debates about this. This is the response. This does indeed fix it. I cannot wait to tell this to my classes now. Philosophically and rhetorically this completely resolved the Paradox of Tolerance and I am floored by its simplicity and angry I never saw it before.
tolerance
So I wanted to know what kind of crystal could go in a wizard staff, right? so I googled “big crystal,” as one does, and got an Etsy ad for This
And as you all know I Am currently taking a geology class, so I am probably more emotionally invested in minerals than usual. But that is...very obviously not a natural crystal.
So I did some looking around on Etsy.
Now, these shops all seem to advertise to the “witchy”/“spiritual healing” type of person. And there are a lot of them. Crystals are a Big Thing on Etsy. And ALMOST ALL of them are obviously artificially cut into the same sort of prism with a triangular pyramid top, regardless of the actual sort of crystal it is supposed to be.
Even like, fucking, obsidian. Obsidian is volcanic glass, it doesn’t form crystals at all, it is not a crystal
I’m not throwing any shade at people who are into crystals for like witchy reasons, but it really seems like if crystals are spiritually important to you, you should know what a crystal is...right...?
So there I am. Caught in the helpless anger and distaste of looking at geologically inaccurate Etsy crystals.
And as I scroll, I start to see items in...interesting shapes:
“Oh,” I think to myself. “Oh no.”
But it is too late. I have heard the siren’s song, singing to me of knowledge that will destroy me, but that I cannot help but seek.
These...elongated objects are almost always ambiguously described as “massage wands,” “crystal healing wands,” and other such innocuous things. The egg-shaped objects are, um, “yoni eggs.”
...Right. Okay.
Maintain the youthfulness of my sacred organ.
IT’S A SEX TOY. SAY IT. BITCH, IT’S A SEX TOY, IT’S OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THERE’S NO SHAME IN IT, SAY IT WITH PRIDE, SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST,
OKAY.
Okay. I’m good. I’m fine.
Actually, you know what, never mind. There is shame in this and I want it to be never acknowledged again.
Additionally, I am not fine.
Why the fuck are there so many of these—
At this point I stop and start googling.
Now, Selenite is the crystalline form of gypsum. It is also known as satin spar. Selenite is brittle and breaks easily, and has a Mohs hardness scale of 2.
For those unfamiliar with the Mohs hardness scale, a mineral with a hardness of 2 is soft enough that it can be easily scratched with a fingernail. It also is dissolved by moisture.
NO. DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR BODY???? DON’T PUT THE GYPSUM, WHICH HAS A MOHS HARDNESS SCALE OF 2, IS BRITTLE AND BREAKS EASILY, AND IS WATER SOLUBLE, INSIDE YOUR LITERAL ACTUAL VAGINA??????????
I try to reassure myself with the fact that these things are probably not actually selenite, because making a dildo out of such a soft mineral in the first place would be very difficult. Having seen fluorite before, I feel pretty certain that the fluorite yoni eggs are probably actually just glass.
I google fluorite.
Okay.
Further exploring online shows me that fluorite is soluble in various strong acids.
Some guys on a forum in 2004 have strong contradictory opinions on this.
(I google the pH of the vagina.)
I don’t understand how pH works. I give up on the solubility question and google the toxicity of fluorite:
I now know at least one orifice fluorite does not go inside.
Science.
No, dear followers, my journey did not end here.
I have opened Pandora’s box, except Pandora’s box is filled with minerals God did not intend to be anywhere near the vagina carved into the shape of dildos. Etsy is advertising me sex toys I wish I could forget.
And vaginal steam herbs.
It seems that there is potentially a correlation between wanting to steam your vagina and wanting to put rocks in it. I know, groundbreaking discovery.
Okay, so we’re talking therapy substitute therapy substitute.
(I begin to think about how desperately we need universal health care. Maybe I just need someone, something, to blame.)
At this point, I realize that I haven’t done any googling on whether dildos made of rocks are a good idea at all. So, very tentatively, as if typing it more slowly will make it any less observed by the FBI, I google whether quartz should be used...internally.
First result that pops up:
That’s, uh. That’s reassuring.
I decide I’m incapable of unpacking this particular suitcase.
There are, of course, a small handful of articles debating the safety of rose quartz sex toys. But I’m getting the feeling that this is not a normal question to have in the first place. I close the tab with little relief.
Etsy is still enthusiastically recommending me things that hurt me psychologically.
...pleasure chalk?
How can I describe the fear that this image struck in me, reader?
Pleasure Chalk? What could that be?
Is knowing worse, or is not knowing? I scarcely have a choice:
I check in with my emotions.
Is this relief? Am I relieved that they are eating the dirt instead of fucking it? One review complains about the taste. I don’t know what they expected.
I try in vain to struggle against the tide, to return to the relatively normal side of Etsy. I begin to resent, no, hate, these deceptively aesthetically pleasing hippie shops eagerly spreading medical misinformation and things as yet unknown.
This, unlike the other “crystals” I have shown, appears to show naturally grown crystals. They are, of course, quartz crystals, and $45 comes off as extremely overpriced. I have a quartz crystal I got for a dollar at an Eastern Kentucky rock festival, about the size and quality of the ones in the photo.
Quartz is the most common mineral in the Earth’s crust. But at least this is regular levels of annoying.
Then I see this:
Well, I see the photo and the price, and I think, that looks like a regular quartz crystal. There’s no way a regular quartz crystal is $1,347.
I read the description:
I am crying. I don’t want to google any of this. I am beyond googling. I no longer desire knowledge.
THATS A QUARTZ CRYSTAL. MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S QUARTZ. SIO2, MOST COMMON MINERAL IN THE EARTH’S CRUST. ITS FUCKING QUARTZ IM—
I click on a malachite.
The malachite promises to protect me from emails. And at this, darkest hour, I want to be protected.
I have been broken. I have been lured to my demise.
Big Brother: loved.
Geology lab I’m supposed to be doing: incomplete.
God: unmerciful.
This post has everything. Price gouging quartz, eating dirt, and fucking poisonous rocks.
"2000 years ago, when women did not have access to hot running water...") (eyeroll) ...Oh, okay, then. "This offer invalid in ancient Crete."
...This single post has completely exhausted my local available WTF levels. Will return as soon as they regenerate.
hate capitalism and its perpetual use of buzzwords just saw an ad for lemonade with "plant-based caffeine" like where the fuck else would you get caffeine if not from a plant
Like seeing “non-GMO” salt…
…salt is not an O…it’s has no Gs to M…
non gmo salt and water
Can’t believe Peter Griffin really tried it.
Ok but I’d the second dude like…a vampire? Because my straight ass is bewitched.
[Transcript:
(the first person has text over them that says “being fat and wanting a girlfriend”)
First person: “See what’s behind this door..!”
(Door has text over it that says “fat girls” while The Toccata and Fugue in D minor plays in the background)
First person: “Noo, is there a bett-”
Second person: “ Yo it’s funny that there’s an entire demographic, of petite women who love bigger men. But because you’ve just ousted yourself, as a cunt, it’s never gonna happen for you mate. You’re really out here body shaming, all these beautiful shawties, big body Bugatti (kiss noise), exquisite; but you’re built like a less cool Bling Bling Boy from Johnny Test. Make it make sense mate. It doesn’t- it really doesn’t. Could’ve kept your mouth shut. But you had to say something. And you even went so far as to put it on the internet. And you thought that was a good idea because-? Please, take yourself elsewhere. Sincerely the entire fucking human race.”
End transcript.]
The moment that man started speaking -
Okay but he DOES actually sound very suspiciously like Trevor or Alucard from Castlevania
Sir speaks in cursive
Dude got taken to the cleaners by the demon of LUST
Imagine getting roasted by The Old God of Fuckin
I want to watch more of his videos, what
If you like frogs. Or possums. Or cool builds. Or happiness. This is the video for you.
what an amazing journey
Magical items and cursed artefacts that are currently being used for something else than their intended purpose.
The cape of Infinite Wisdom, that gives you all the knowledge of the universe but unfortunately renders you incapable of doing anything else than stand there processing it, aware of everything everywhere all at once, which drowns out being aware of your surroundings. People use it to trap runaways and wild horses to capture them without injuring the target.
The Wrestling Machination, that was far too efficient in folding up flesh-and-blood human opponents, which was locked up for centuries before being stolen - presumably for horrifying uses. It was later found in secret use in a nearby laundromat, which uses it to neatly fold up clothing.
Potion of Shapeshifting, But Only Once. Not useful for intended purposes, but has more than once been concotioned and used by people who were utterly sick of human life and would rather spend the rest of their lives being a seagull.
The cursed amulet of No Woman Will Want To Fuck You, originally crafted as a wizard college prank, currently worn as the daily signature accessory of an astonishingly beautiful and unfathomably gay man, to ward off unwanted female attention.
an atheist ghost. they refuse to move on to the afterlife on the grounds that the afterlife does not and should not exist
they only respond to ouija board summonings in order to lecture people for participating in non-evidence-based belief systems
exorcisms dont work cause they dont believe in them.
“yeah sure I could ‘go into the light’ as you so eloquently put it, but let’s be analytical about this. worst-case scenario, the afterlife is real and I get cast into some version of Hell for being a nonbeliever. slightly better-case scenario, it’s a reincarnation-based afterlife, which means I end up having to do the whole Existence thing all over again, which frankly seems like a huge roll of the dice. enormously risky, given the low quality of life many people experience, and that’s setting aside philosophical issues of identity, e.g. without the memories and experiences that shaped me, would I even still technically exist as a version of myself I could identify? reincarnation aside, let’s bear in mind there’s no actual evidence there’s even a so-called ‘afterlife’ waiting on the other side–for all we know, my consciousness will just dissolve into nonexistence. again, huge roll of the dice. and even in the best-case scenario? wherein I somehow pass an Arbitrary Morality Test I didn’t sign up for and get accepted into some sort of magical Heaven or whatever? well. consider it from my point of view. all of a sudden I’d be a member of a strange and unfamiliar society, subject to a completely new set of rules and regulations that I probably don’t get a say in. Is ‘Heaven’ a democracy? will I still have access to free will? will I have meaningful choices regarding lifestyle and occupation? what do the holy books say about that, huh? I could be forced to spend a literal eternity worshiping a deity who has made some extremely questionable and problematic decisions regarding the universe. I’m not signing up for that! how is that any better than my current situation? listen buddy, I spent 80 years living in a capitalist hellhole before death Itself finally freed me from all the obligations and restrictions of modern existence. I don’t work, I don’t pay rent or taxes, I just wander from place to place keeping my own schedule, doing my own thing, beholden to neither laws nor peer pressure. as purgatories go, that’s a pretty sweet deal! and what guarantee do I have that any damned afterlife is going to be more tolerable than my current not-existence, huh? none! none whatsoever. skeptic? damn right I’m skeptic! not to mention this whole Heaven-and-Hell dichotomy seems extremely manipulative if not outright abusive, as moral systems go. that’s no way to parent a species! nope. just, nope. this whole religious afterlife nonsense sounds like a whole lot of unnecessary stress and risk. I’m perfectly comfortable staying right where I am, thanks ever so, so you can tell your exorcist to write that out in latin and shove it up his ass”
“the power of christ compels ME?” bitch just because YOU choose to subscribe to a oppressively christian-centric world view doesn’t mean I have to dedicate my afterlife to following the rules of your false gods. if you’re so desperate to get smoke blown up your ass i’m happy to help you shove that thurible way on up there
You understand the spirit of this post.
hold on i need to look up what a thurible is
ok so unfortunately that’s hilarious
everyone in the notes is calling it a butt plug because this hellish.site is populated by naught but heretics heathens and happy-go-lucky blasphemers, exactly how i prefer it
loved one: i have a problem
me a machine built to solve problems: great here’s the solution
loved one: im so fucking emotional about the problem
me: i have the solution
loved one: i get so angry. i’m frustrated
me: i am holding the solution in my hand and showing it to you
lloved one, yelling now: the universe is indifferent
me: solution
#the trick here is that the problem actually has two parts: #one part is the problem itself #the other is the emotional distress and feeling of loneliness generated by the problem
#and counterintuitively you have to take care of that second part FIRST #because otherwise—as you point out—they won’t be able to absorb the solution #so step one is going ‘i love you i’m so sorry this is happening to you i love you’ and listening to them for a while
#and then once they remember that they’re not an island of misery in a sea of nothingness #you hit them with the solution (proposed gently so that it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to shut them up about the problem) #it’s probably going to feel weird to do it but I guarantee you it works
Adult life tip.
Do not buy a cabbage unless you have one of the following:
1. A recipe that uses a whole cabbage
2. 200 recipes that use some cabbage
3. A desire to waste an entire half cabbage
so would you say you have a recipe that uses a whole cabbage
yes :( pardon my reading comprehension :(
Batedbreathes redemption arc. You’re pardoned
Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo we’ve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and it’s revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.
Might I add:
The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed
The woman who raised the changeling alongside her biological child
The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
The adventures of a space roomba
Cinderella finding Araura (and falling in love)
I don’t know a snappy description but the my nemesis cynthia story certainly lives in my head
hilariously, these are almost all in my fic tag. so, a compiled list from the notes (and some extras):
- The God of Arepo (graphic novel 1 / 2 / 3) (ebook)
- The Monster of Sentan
- The Witch’s Cat
- Raise Both Children
- Stabby the Roomba (honorable mention)
- Cinderella Marries the Prince (comic)
- My Arch Nemesis Cynthia
- Pirates and Mermaid
- Eindred and the Witch
- The Demon King
- The Cornerwitch
- Grandmother Beetroot
- Apocalypse Daycare Worker
- Grandmother Accidentally Summons a Demon
- New Year Saga
- A Story About Changelings
- Ranger in the King’s Forest
- The Difference Between a Hare and a Rabbit
- Goblin Men (Canines)
I am in love with you /p
What about the one with the princess locked in a tower learning to become a wizard? That’s lived in my mind for years and I haven’t seen it in a long time
Oh, love that story, adding it to the list: 20. Princess Talia and adding a few more contenders 21. Thyme 22. The Monster under the Bed 23. A Meaningful Death 24. Humans are unstoppable…until they aren’t 25. The Monster under the Fridge 26. Antler Guy 27. Cleric slamming healing spells
Adding a few more I remembered: 28. The Frog and the Scorpion 29. HSTHETE 30. The First Witch in the World 31. Imagine that Oceans were replaced by Forests 32. A Faerie taking a Name 33. The Dragon on the Farm 34. Synovus & Menace 35. Raising the Anti-Christ 36. Aliens vs. Flora & Fauna of Earth (pretty sure there are even more additions to the original post but I had this one saved) 37. Doctors without Borders…in Space! 38. The Villain-Wrangler 39. The Last Contact 40. The 100 Parent-Point Children 41. And the Heavens Wept 42. The Night Gentleman 43. The Serpent God and their Priestess
I often think of The Human Rite of Self-Sacrifice:
“Humans, as humans say, do not go gentle into that good night. Worse, they do not go gentle into bad nights, worse days, or terrifying sunsets. Dawn seems to fill them with potency and rage…”
A few more for good measure:
And additional stories as collated by inkvoices in another reblog chain, so I can have them all in one place:
49. The Queen with Three Cursed Children 50. Tiny Dragon with a one-coin hoard 51. Traumatized Haunted House 52. The Shark goes rogue, almost 53. Grandma Lives in the Woods (comic) 54. A Different Aftermath (comic) 55. Battery (microstory) 56. It’s A Date (comic) 57. Narrative Town 58. Cleaning the Wizard Tower (comic) (part 2) 59. Robot Apocalypse, or Nothing Personal 60. The Statues That Do Not Weather 61. Kushiel 62. Tooth Fairy 63. Aliens Abduct a Persistence Predator 64. Felonious Wish-Granting 65. Humans meet actual Space Orcs 66. Space Cousins
Three more for the road!
67. Ugly Mary 68. Chair Mimic 69. Icarus Descending