Nowhere to Go but On turned 4 today!
Source: assets
Life of An Almost Shakaijin
So. It’s like I keep telling myself, today I will sit down and write a decent entry this space deserves but I never get round to doing that. Distractions.
I haven’t been posting much on facebook because well, it’s not so much of a personal space anymore. So for that there’s instagram. Ha.
Lately I’ve been having these waves of intense emotions - of good and bad, and I just tend to ride them as they are because I’ve learnt that it’s better not to go against them.
I feel incredibly thankful to have Le prince by my side.
And So, Woe Is Me for Loving Food and Wanting to Look Like...
This:
at the same time.
Sigh.
Stop the complaining, get my ass back into the 5/6days per week workout regimen and chicken breast meat + veggie meals.
Because look at what I've been eating for the past week or two:
There are so many more not even documented in photos I can't even. #sometimesireallyjustwanttostabmyself
It's no wonder...
I don't weigh any lighter.
Never mind.
I can.
I will become this:
in a year...?
Fighting la huh. ㅠ
First of Firsts
For the first time in my life, I overslept and missed a flight. So much stress and tears, but I was never left alone, in spite of your own circumstances that were just as severe.
For the day and a half I was there, you stayed with me, even when you already had prior plans. I know how much you hate to break promises, to cancel last minute, or just having to cancel at all, really - because that’s your no-excuse policy: it’s manners, and it would be rude to the other party. That’s really huge to you, but you held my hand and stayed with me anyway. (While you were probably flailing inside)
It doesn’t matter if it’s just a week, a day, or even a few hours. Even after a year, I still miss you when you’re away.
So when we finally got to the airport with a flight back to Japan, and I had to go through the departure gates alone, I couldn’t stop the rising burn in my eyes. You held me tight and said nothing, but I knew that that alone said everything.
It was a terrible situation… But I don’t think I would want it any other way.
Because, for the first time, I received the confirmation I’ve been praying for. And I know now too, if not more than ever, that you are the one I want to follow.
We’ve had so many hard times, we’ve been thrown all these obstacles and tests (more to come, I suppose) and we’ve been so stressed and tired, but somehow, we grow stronger as one and intensify. If and when it gets hard, I’ll read this post again - I’ll recall everything that happened and re-honour the promise I made to myself on the plane back.
Thank you for not giving up on me, on you, and most importantly, us.
Thank you for being my pillar of strength, even if that means you have to take all the weight.
I promise you, and I promise myself, that I will be stronger, so that I can become that strength to you too.
Not for one, but the both of us.
I’m home now - already looking forward to when you’ll be back, next to me.
11:11PM
As the time reads now.
47 hours left.
I miss you terribly.
But I hope you won't get mad when I show up unannounced, as part of my grand plan to surprise you. Pleasantly.
I have two scenarios worked out in my head; and I sure hope it's the better, happier one of the two.
If I were to put it down in days, I will seem like a pretty sad case.
It's only been 9 days. 9.
Not even a two-digit figure to argue my case.
But in hours...
216 hours. Well, with the remaining 47 hours that totals to 263.
Every hour feels like a day. Some of those days pass faster, some so slow I start to wonder if the clock is working right.
It must be, then it's just me.
I'm not saying that I think this time apart is bad. It's good. So good in fact that am able to think; loud and clear, in this space where it's just me and no you for a beautiful distraction.
It's just 9 days but I feel that I have grown - inside, from all the thinking that I've done.
It was horrible the first day, because it's the first time we're apart.
My first separation, and all I could focus on was how helpless I felt.
But a godsent angel called me at such precise timing it was somewhat just... I don't even have the words to express the gratefulness of having her in my life; and the thinking started. It was thinking, but what it really was was spring cleaning. Going through all of the events that have happened and the thoughts, actions and feelings I have had thus far were neatly sorted out into respective places in my heart and mind.
The heart and mind are at constant war.
What the heart feels, it feels.
It's going to be a challenge to keep this perspective I have now. And this perspective isn't going to be permanent, I bet - It's going to change, bit by bit, over time...
All I have is faith and I can't, hope harder that we will last to the end.
The tests, the obstacles laid before us; us to each other included.
Baby, I hope with all my might that we will.
Crossing Barriers
Every day's a battle with you. But when I say battle, I don't mean we're fighting against each other. I mean that we're fighting from the same side, together. Because we're so different, and there are so many obstacles ahead, but our hearts are one. I really thought I wouldn't catch myself saying this, but I love you. I really do.
I've seriously fucking had it.
This is all angry talk and I'm pretty sure I'll look back at this entry in the morning regretting the things I'm about to say, but no. Right now I feel empowered and willing for all of the crap feelings I've been suppressing and kept down to be out.
I seriously feel disappointed with certain people I thought I could trust; people whom I've invested feelings, time and effort. Fucking tangible effort. And I thought they felt the same. Someone used the L word to me, an oath to the relationship that I thought we had. But no. I got fucked over. Right, it could just that I'm being too sensitive. After all, if I'm not you, I won't know how exactly you feel, or what you think.
But you don't know how much I was hurt. Stupid of me, of course. It's always me. And because I'm this fucking version of me, I end up feeling guilty for being angry or upset, regardless of who's in the wrong; whether there is wrongdoing or not.
I hate how I can't just let go and unleash every single thing I'm feeling on the inside without filtering the shards I know will hurt the other party. What the fuck even when I'm angry I still care for the other party. What good does it do? In the end, all the shards of whatever's broken gets directed back to me.
Oh, look at me the ultimate masochist.
Fuck you, don't ever say those three words to someone when you don't, no, when you can't even comprehend the weight of what it means.
As always I am so eager to assume, to trust, to invest.
And you, well. I really should give you the benefit of a doubt. I don't know how your brain works. I can't see your heart, I certainly can't feel it.
I really don't expect much. I don't. But knowing that please stop thinking that it is fucking okay to walk all over me. I may be a willing pushover, but there are limits. Once you've crossed the hard limits, there will be no turning back.
There is a universal truth we all have to face, whether we want to or not, everything eventually ends. As much as I’ve looked forward to this day, I’ve always disliked endings. Last day of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable. Leaves fall. You close the book. You say goodbye. Today is one of those days for us. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar, everything that was comfortable. We’re moving on. But just because we’re leaving, and that hurts, there’s some people who are so much a part of us, they’ll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground. Our North Star. And the small clear voices in our hearts that will be with us, always.
Alexis’ Graduation Speech, Castle (via quote-book)
Say When
It's official.
I need to be doing something with my life.
I'm worried about the person I've grown into, and have become. My pace has slowed; my motivation lost. It's like everything has come to a standstill, and I don't feel the fire to keep moving on. A complete contrast to the title of this blog.
It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I don't know how, because I don't know what I want. I don't know where to go and I don't know how to get there. The uncertainty scares me and I constantly feel weary.
Torn between two major choices... This year is, and I can't stress more how critical a year it is for me. When I said I've always felt like I'm in a battle against time, this was it. Previously it was just kind of hanging over my head and I fought the hardest I could to break away from that feeling; even if it was only momentarily. This time, I'm really in it. No matter what I choose, I will lose something big in order to gain one. I won't get anywhere without sacrifice and I don't know which will cut deeper. I don't want to make the wrong choice... Because once I decide and act on it, I won't be able to turn back. God forbid I regret whatever the path I elect to walk. The consequences, I can't bear.
Sigh.
On the bright side, it's still exciting to see what will unfold this year, at the very least, the answers I seek have a deadline, and by some way or another things will have to work out by the end of the year. Also, things to look forward to: Jie coming to Japan this June - finally will be able to actually meet her in person after a year+. Two, one of my best friends also joining me in the land of the rising sun after a really really long battle with different obstacles to study for a short-term course, which will hopefully become long-term. I just hope this works out for her... I really want it to.
SO. This year is gonna be a good one. I just need to have faith, and breatheeeeeee.
PS: Happy Birthday Dinosaur. I'm so proud of you. :)