I came from the forest

“I was pregnant with your baby. I never wanted to be a mother. I loathed the feeling of it growing inside me. Felt that sickness. Pulling, sucking on me like some needy animal in a barn. How could I be responsible for another life? Life terrifies me. It’s harsh, and bleak, and draining. I was so relieved when it died. It was one less weight keeping me here but then the war came and you left me too. Why did you leave me, Howard? I hate feeling like this. It’s so pathetic. Do people like you ever feel this way? Figure you don’t... you seem so perfect all the time. Lord must have been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don’t know why. What did I do? What is wrong with me? Please just tell me so I can get better. I don’t wanna end up like Mama I wanna be dancing up on the screen like the pretty girls in the pictures. I want what they have so badly... to be perfect... to be loved by as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and a fear washes over me ’cause what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong? I’m a failure. I’m not pretty, or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I’m not smart, or funny, or confident. I’m exactly what Mama said I was: weak. But I don’t know why. What did I do? Why wasn’t my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I’m so scared that when you finally come home you’ll see me and be frightened like everyone else is. I know what I’ve done. Bad things. Terrible, awful, murderous things. I regret them now, but I liked how they felt. I wish I didn’t, but I did. At first, it was only animals smaller than myself. Nothing with feelings, nothing that could hurt me back. Felt good. Killing’s easier than you’d think. ’Til recently with Mama and the boy from the picture house - they were different. They were more meaningful. I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer, but poor Daddy didn’t deserve that. I wish I hadn’t done what I did. Mama meant well. She had a hard life. She only wanted a home to feel safe in, I can see that. I thought I hated her, but I just wanted to feel safe too. My Lord. I made such a mess of things. I don’t know how much more I can take. I need to clean this up. All of it. I need to make things right before you see me again. Maybe if I could turn this farm into a home just like you wanted, things will finally be different. I can forgive. I can be who you want me to be. If you’ll just stay with me. Would you do that, please? I can’t be all by myself anymore. It’s too hard.”

Pearl (2022) dir. Ti West