Gay Scale of Pop Punk™️
Palaye Royale: 1. On the scale, probably not super gay but definitely thinks about shirtless Brad Pitt a fucking lot, but like doesn’t everyone? Right? Probably says “I’m not gay, but if I was…”. Like a straight person could create that aesthetic out of pirates, red and My Chemical Romance. Takes Queer Eye advice to heart. Could be a 5 if they admitted they’re not straight.
Panic! At the Disco: 2. Not as gay as they claim. They used to be super gay. Basically Ryan was the gayest one and everyone else just went with it. Probably loves Fight Club, but not because of Brad Pitt. It gave them a gun kink which they hide by dressing like circus freaks. Chuck Palahniuk is their gay culture. Has been through every type of phase. Loves the 70’s and just wants a chill weed hippie vibe but needs to stay relevant. Watched Rocky Horror once. Now they’re just sad and alone and trying not to OD. Partying and cheap suits.
Arctic Monkeys: 3. Not really gay but somewhat bicurious. Edgy but now he looks like the old dude from Glow. Seriously considered the 70’s weed dealer look for like a week. Makes shit up for views. Dances like a dad. Clock Work Orange gays, it gave Alex Turner a crime kink which he hides through alternating leather, denim and suits
All Time Low: 3.5. Not inherently gay but also the weird place where bisexuality and Bi-curiosity start to be the same. Supports the hell out of lesbians. “Hold my beer while I jump off the roof” culture. Hurt deeply and drowning but in a chill way. Still calls things “Gucci”, doesn’t know what the “Gucci gang” is but still uses it even though Urban Dictionary didn’t tell them. #Squad
Weezer: 4. Bi culture. Sad weed smoking and being awkward. Whoops my girlfriends a lesbian. The end part of Undone when they’re both singing two different parts of a song that has no definable pronouns. Also, rarely any pronouns in their songs. Thank God For Girls is solidarity
Metro Station: 4.5. She Likes Girls is so good and they’re true allies. Shake It goes super hard y'all are just cowards
The 1975: 5. Doesn’t define their sexuality but very clearly loves girls. “One Direction paved the way for the Beatles”. Their goal in life is Harry Styles. Palaye could very clearly beat them out if they just admitted Dr. Frank N Furter turned them on
Black Kids: 6. Im Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You was so much solidarity between her and her brother. Seriously. It was in Jennifer’s Body too. Plus it was 80’s synth pop
Cobra Starship, The Academy Is… and Gym Class Heroes: 7. Yeah like a fuckin straight person wrote Snakes On A Plane. Hot Mess is gay culture and so is One Day Robots Will Cry,, Gabe Saporta is doing so good now,, baby boy and evil. Travie McCoy is such a good guy I fucking trust him so much he can do anything. William Beckett? Y'all even heard His Guy Friday, plus that song he did with Ryan Ross? Him as a person tho? Most non-triumphant, he can’t sit with us
Fall Out Boy: 8. Definitely gay. Has admitted they’re bi, but still very attached to one romance for 10 years. Parties but sad parties you reminisce about for a long time. Probably would not be wearing a shirt or pants if those were not required to enter Pizza Hut. Ate weed and eyeliner one time. Pretends to be a cool chic edgy person, but in reality still a gremlin.
Paramore: 9. Sad, misses the 80’s back when they weren’t alive. Sad lesbian and sad queer friends culture. Misery Business is a boyfriend stealing anthem for everyone. Just wants things to be okay. Bubble gum, neon punk culture at its core. Futch culture for guys, gals and nb pals. Never had a solid hair color for more than 10 minutes. A mess but a cool funky superb one. If Tan France would wear it then it’s good enough for them.
My Chemical Romance: 10. Red eye shadow is for the gays. There is no way a straight person has those kinks, that aesthetic and fucking wrote those albums. Gerard Way probably went down on Bert McCracken and hates his dad. The Used is also in this category, but that’s more of a horny sad gay, rather than a muderous one
Green Day: 11. Y'all I shouldn’t even have to explain. Green Day is gay as hell just like everything else Billie Joe Armstrong does. Also, piss kinks. Billie is a dumb butch and his wife is such a fucking goddess. Dookie is bi culture. Has 40 different versions of something but only uses the same one.
The Killers: 12. Transcends the scale, but keeps it on the down low. Has had so many failed straight relationships even tho they know they’re gay, they just can’t let go of the past. It’s laughable to think Andy You’re A Star, Bones, Mr. Brightside, Somebody Told Me and Where the White Boys Dance are heterosexual in anyway. Falls in love with the worst people. Makes bad decisions about who they fall for and fully accepts it. Had one dramatic thing going that ended in prison and won’t admit that they haven’t loved since. Is so tired, and just wants to stop running but can’t commit to anything. Knows how every past relationship failed and exactly how they could fix it but that’s not happening ever. The American Dream ruined them too, but in a different way where they’ve always been disappointed and hollow.