everytime i draw him his tats r different oopsie
stay sane inside insanity
After weeks of sweatpants and t-shirts I chose to wear proper clothes, just because I felt like it.
TDOV with Carla and Pickles
My (belated) third day of Dethentines fanwork, TDOV with Carla and Pickles, is now on AO3!
My take on the “Anniversary” prompt :D
This post is dedicated to my one and only true love, Levi Skylar Norris.
Skylar was my soul mate. He was such a wonderful man, he was the only person I'd ever met who could come into a room, any room and take a group of angry, sad people and make them laugh and smile. Skylar was his own vibe, he was able to raise me up like nobody else ever could. He understood me, better then my own mother does today. He always knew what to say, or what to do to cheer me up. I loved him so so much, he was my one and only, my soulmate!
Like me, skylar was also transgender, FTM. He was on T, and I was still pre everything. We also had something else in common, and that was that both of us were IV fentanyl addicts. Believe it or not I did more dope then he did back in the day. I was a daily user, while skylar used a couple times a week.
It was a cold rainy vancouver winter day when I woke up to a knock on my door. It was alex, my therapist and Fernando, a support worker of mine on the other side. I welcomed them in to my trash filled studio apartment, and I hadnt grasped why they were there yet.
Grieving is a wierd process for me. Death was something I played with myself every day. Death was something I saw on a weekly basis. I've lost about a dozen friends to the overdose crisis, and skylar wasnt even the last one. When the words left alex's mouth, "jayden, skylar was found dead this..." I just went blank half way through. When I grieve, its wierd, I literally just go blank, I feel nothing until I do. There isnt any crying, there isn't any physical reaction, just, absolutely nothing. So when I was told he had died, my brain just shut off.
I didnt go to his funeral. They held it in the building he died inside of, just down the hallway from where he was found. He deserved so so so much better then that. I couldnt mourn, grieve his death in that rundown SRO building. It just wasnt right for a person like him.
I started doing more dope after skylar died. I was doing $80 a day, half a gram. After he died I was doing $150 a day, a little bit under a full gram of fentanyl every single day. I wasnt supposed to live, he was, and I was supposed to die! Skylar could have changed the world if he ever got to see it. He was 21, and didnt even get to see himself a year into HRT, he never made it to this very point I'm at right now. I'm 22 now, and frankly I don't know why. I have survivors guilt. He should have lived, and I should have died.
However today, I try to keep him alive. I do so by saying his name, by being positive like he would have wanted, and living the life he never had. Maybe he can see it all through my eyes or from above, I sure hope he can. Today I'm an activist, and I know it sounds cheesy but I want to change the world. And I'm gonna change it because that's what he would have done had he been given the gift I was: LIFE!!
About 3 weeks before he died I went over to his place, and he gave me this pink tye died shirt. The shirt I'm wearing in the above photos was the shirt he made for me, and it's the only thing I have left of him. I love this shirt, and when I wear it, i can almost feel him holding me again.
When I wear this shirt, i know skylar is looking down on me, probably proud as hell of me! I've been on hormones for 15 months now, over a year, and I finally have the feminine body I've always been longing for. He knew how badly I wanted it, and now, I am. I wonder what he would say to me today...
This is just a reminder to Cis people to consider your words on Trans Day of Remembrance and Trans Day of Visibility; some of your trans or non-binary friends and followers may or may not want not to wish them a happy TDoR or TDoV.
Some may choose it as a day for celebration of life and survival and progress, or as a day of mourning, or a bit of both, but that's a personal choice based on personal experiences. Just show them your support and offer to talk with them if you can handle it, set boundaries for the conversation if you need to. Be there if you can, and try to support the community. 💗
(Feel free to reblog, but no shenanigans on this post please. TDoR is on November 20 TDoV is March 31.)
[There are a lot of thoughtful comments and replies in the notes. My original post wasn't as positive; so I edited it to reflect what I learned from other people. I appreciate everyone's contributions. Feel free to reblog their additions.]