I was going to cook some Mac n cheese to take to the Talmud Lunch n Learn at the synagogue tomorrow, but instead I fell into existential dread of this weekend and scrolled through tumblr for an hour and a half after lighting Hanukkah and Shabbat candles.

I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for weeks now, being able to participate in several events at my temple without having to juggle my five year old daughter (she’s an absolute delight, but I can’t study Talmud with her—she can’t read yet). But now that it’s here, I’m panicking, because I have absolutely no plans other than the midday events at the temple, and I’m scared I’ll just fall to pieces spending my evenings alone.

I can’t stop thinking about Sarah, either, and whether I’ll see her at the synagogue this weekend. She’s been on vacation the past couple weeks, so I haven’t seen her since the Shabbat service when she invited me and several others up for the Torah service.

I’m also trying to figure out if it would be weird to show up without Lorelai for religious school on Sunday and just offer to help with whatever until the Hanukkah celebration afterwards. I’m kinda hoping my parents come back early tomorrow night after all so I don’t have to face that question in reality.

I always know I’m having trouble with loneliness again when I catch myself on OkCupid or bumble or tinder unprompted.