#rollins college

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Last week Bun begged me to go with him to the Cornell Fine Arts Museum at Rollins College. He was really excited about the ‘Time As Landscape’ exhibition, they had an artwork made of wires and lights that created a shadow of a bird that he just had to see in person. I am horrible at remembering names of pieces and their artists.

The point of this post is that while there I was able to experience something I had only ever been told about. I felt as if I was inside of one of the artworks when I looked at it. I have only felt this while reading well described scenes in books. It has never happened with artwork. My mother was a failing artist when I was very young. She would often describe what she heard, felt, smelled and even tasted when she looked at certain artworks. Until that day in the Cornell Fine Arts Museum, I thought that experience was because of the alcohol and medication abuse or some brain damage from being beaten by various boyfriends.

Either my mother was not a out of her mind as I thought or I am more out of my mind than I thought.

When Bun and I were at the Museum, we got a lovely tour of the exhibition. The photos above are of my favorite artwork there but also the one I felt drawn into. I do not remember the name of the work or the artist but I do know that i a photo of central park and the pink tree was created on glass with a grid outside of the photo.

That was all I really heard about the piece because once I looked at it I was no longer in the museum. I was in central park. The air was chilly but in a refreshing. The sky was overcast and grey but I knew it wasn’t going to rain. It was dusk but one could not tell by looking at the sky with the clouds. One could only tell by the sounds, by the hush of night coming. The birds had stopped their congs and the insects had started theirs. I could also hear Bats chirping above me starting their nightly hunt. 

Everything was dark and seemingly colorless. It looked like an old black and white horror film but there was no sinister feeling. The nature felt calm and relaxed. They liked the dark better because they could only been seen by those that belonged. And I belonged, the trees, plants, animals, earth and wind accepted me. I was as much apart of them as they were apart of me.

Even though I was in the park, I did not seem to have a coporial body. I could see, hear, smell, taste and feel but I was not bound by my human body.

Then I felt it, I felt it with my soul, not with my skin. I felt my something special, to the rest of the nature it was normal. It was apart of the nature as I was but it belong to me, with me. My view moved to find it. It seemed to glow pink, but it would change forms. It was a tree, a flower, a bat, a wolf, a fox before settling on the figure of a man. He wanted to be everything and he was. I wanted to go towards him.

I couldn’t though because I was suddenly back in the musuem, being pulled to the next room by Bun. I was left with a feeling of longing to be back in the artwork.

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Yesterday I was informed that at the expecting Isabelle dinner a student who will remain nameless said "maybe if Chloe didn't come in with such a bad attitude she would have enjoyed her time at Rollins" well bitch, imma bout to Hannah Baker the shit out of you and in August no one is safe. Let me just say I did come in with a positive attitude. I was excited to transfer to one of the best schools in the country. It was beautiful and the food was delicious, I mean they had a crepe day! Within a week I started to feel uncomfortable as I was asked if I was auditioning for the shows and told "good fucking luck. They rarely choose transfers" I killed every single audition and in my mind I would be very busy this semester with having done so well, surely I would get cast in two shows. NOPE. At Rollins they do things a little differently. If you have a dick, you're cast in every. Single. Show. They. Have. But if you're a woman, they need to "spread the wealth" this annoyed me. Luckily I did get cast in Tartuffe, by a lovely man who I still email on occasion. Very successful man, unlike the rest of the staff at Rollins but he was a guest so I guess that made sense. All of a sudden people actually started to talk to me, where as before I was kind of ignored, besides having a friend I transferred with who felt the exact same way as me. Then the head of the department told her that "we were two cogs that don't fit in the well oiled machine of Rollins theater department" I guess he was still riding the high of his production of Machinal which I'm sure he still thinks about when he is having sex with his wife. This was a low blow for both of us, who were leads in the show. My friend also had a serious stomach problem and when she got sick, instead of telling her they have an understudy just in case, they hid it from her until the understudy called her and asked for help. So super professional. After tartuffe I was feeling great. I thought I had friends. I was excited for next semester. Boom audition time again. Once again I killed it, I know I did, you can feel it when you do well and I was feeling myself. The cast list came out and once again I was only cast in one show, I was a little disappointed but very excited because it was the show that I liked the most. Out of no where a girl dropped out cause she couldn't wear pants for religious reasons even though the script called for a "pants suit" GREAT CASTING CHOICE. So I got the part, again super excited. Until I wanted to see what else the campus had to offer and try and get more friends...I wanted to rush a sorority like my mom, bad idea because woahhhh culty, but at the time it was something fun to do. Now we have about 2 months of rehearsal every single day and came back early from break to rehearse and on my sheet I put down I wanted to rush, which was approved...until we got into rehearsals then he pretended to lose my paper. I threatened to drop, knowing there was no one to take my place and he finally let me go, but only two half the events...needless to say I didn't click with any girls because I had half the time to talk with them. I ended up just dropping it, I mean the entire department was my friend! The. The celebrate fox day, a day to skip class and go to the beach, or disney, or universal with friends came...but guess what?! No one called. No one texted. Nothing. I just saw on Facebook and instagram all my "buddies" out together with no invite for me. So here's when I started to not like it. I mean I was pretty popular at valencia, every class I took I had different friends I even got nominated college prom queen, even though I didn't go cause of a show, I pretended I won and everyone went a long with it. So maybe I am being a little bit of a bitch, but I missed having that. I missed parties at my house and going out every Sunday and Wednesday. I missed being popular. Fast forward to senior year. I was excited. I was ready. Getting to know you, a tradition where the seniors get trashed and tell ghost stories was amazingly fun...until someone, not naming names but they know who they are, convinced the department that we were hazing...and this girl isn't even a freshman. There was no hazing involved but we were on strict watch so that meant no drinking at events where we are usually gone So here I am sober at my first show after party, and it was awful. Like weird. Like the jokes weren't funny and I felt super uncomfortable and anxious. So I pulled a Hannah Baker and I left, crying in my car. This was the first time that I felt completely alone at Rollins. And it was the worst. I'm going to skip to next semester because during Upton Abbey, a show that I was cast in was really rough for me. My cousin died at just 30, a boy that I really liked decided he didn't like me back anymore, and it got so bad I called one of those hotlines where people tell you that it's going to get better. I trusted that lady and she was right, things did get better, just not at school. After Christmas break I returned back to school and once again nailed my auditions. And I got to audition for my home, Valencia! I thought wow this is going to be great. First half a show at Valencia second half I will finally get to be in a musical even if it's a small part. Well I forgot about the whole "spread the wealth" thing and when the cast list came out I was devastated and really really really confused. I questioned my talent, my singing and dancing abilities and just decided to throw myself into Valencia and I found my happiness again. I got the lead. I kept getting cast in short films it was amazing. But every time I had to go back to Rollins I felt empty and sad. I ran into a teacher and she asked me how I was and I said "just a few more months" and she said in the nasty tone "until what? You're famous" and then laughed in my face. Isn't that what you should want for your students? Fame, success, happiness? I guess o my the favorites get that. I also noticed a huge disconnect between me and my peers. Maybe it was the age difference, I'm 24 and a lot of the people are between 18-22. I started to just go straight to class and then straight home. I stopped making an effort. I felt unwanted. I felt like everyone was taking about me behind my back. I cut people out and maybe that's my own fault. But I started to see that if you're not cast in a show, they don't care about you. After being promised that people would come see my valencia show...no one showed up. So of course I didn't go to theirs, but that made me the bad guy. Plus I felt crazy. These shows they were putting on were not at the level that a college should be at. Yet everyone was acting like it was fine and getting mad at me for questioning it. How is it fair that men get to do every single show, but women that are just as talented have to share the spotlight? It might be a petty thing to be mad about, but it's the reason so many women hate Rollins. I can name at least 10 people that hate this school. But they'll never speak up. I guess I'm different. I guess I can't hold it in anymore. So if you didn't know. Now you know. That's why I hate Rollins. There's probably more. But my fingers hurt. I'm sure that some will read this and be like that's bull and that's OK because that means that you found a school that you really like and I'm happy for you but I just want you to know how the rest of us feel and if you don't believe me just start asking some of the people that you don't normally talk to