I’m imagining us, together, in a secluded cabin by the river,
rain dancing on the street, on the water,
And you’re teaching me to dance and I whisper in your ear –
I picture myself in your arms and the fireworks up high,
Silver stars against the violet velvet sky,
I can see the kisses and comfort and your hand in mine,
And believe me, in my head I loved you –
In my dreams we were all shades of amber and scarlet and rose,
The perfect blend of the sunrise.
In my mind we were a happily ever after fairytale,
Golden sunshine and your playful smile,
A forever of sonnets and dancing and memories -
Except that we were mismatched and wrong
And we never would have made it,
However much I wish we could have done –
I was too scared to see what we could have been;
Maybe rightly so, I’ve had too many hearts slip through my fingers and shatter,
Caused the light to run out of so many people’s eyes -
You smile at me and my heart breaks every time,
There’s so much hope, yearning,
Your eyes lighting up as if I’m the one you wanted to see -
Please stop, you look so beautiful when you’re wanting me,
And I don’t want to fall for another pair of pretty eyes
That I know are the windows to someone I can never love.
I’m not sure what I regret more, lying to you or leaving you,
All I know is that even if I fell in love with a version of us,
It was never the type of love you wanted, you needed, I needed -
Trust me, I’ll hate myself forever for leaving our story unfinished,
Closing the pages when we just weren’t ready –
I think maybe I do love you, just not quite enough.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I wish I could love you
But I’ll get claustrophobic and you’ll get destroyed,
And even though in my dreams we fall in love, forever –
I know those dreams will have to stay dreams.
- A poem I never should have written and you never should have read.