Another thing I think I miss from school and don’t know how to access now, that I hadn’t thought of before - achievement at things I can do, without [necessity of] competition.*

If there’s a test on ‘can you do these math problems’ or ‘do you know these things’ and I can and do** - I can do well, and have that. And - if everyone else can and does - then [properly***] they can too, and - that’s awesome.

The noncurricular things I can think of for this kind of thing all tend to be competitions and - I don’t like those, and it wouldn’t at all do the same thing for me (and would be not pleasant.)

(*Which to be clear - I had access to and other people didn’t for reasons that aren’t fair and this is bad and should not be the case. An actually good way of doing this needs to be better at that.

**and, again, ‘and am lucky in some other areas’, which is a requirement thing for bad reasons.

***this is often not practically the case, which sucks. It should be.)

Anonymous asked:

please, please, jiraiya if you're out there... PLEASE WRITE THE ICHA ICHA SERIES AGAIN PLEASE... i can still pet dogs and cook unnecessary amounts of aubergine dishes and con food out of my friends and i'm even fine with STILL not having any depth perception but I NEED MY SPECIAL INTEREST BACK PLEASE I CRAVE IT SO MUCH I CAN HARDLY REMEMBER THE CHARACTERS ANYMORE IT HURTS


the taste of communion wine on my lips

as all the congregation takes a small sip

  the never alone-ness at around midnight

the glow of a prayer on a cold winter night

  the belief that there is a being graced with perfection

the belief they gave my life perfect direction

  the swell of the music with someone to praise

the feeling He looked upon us with a heavenly gaze

  the cool touch of a crucifix resting on my skin

always being welcomed back, always forgiven

  the gathering of believers at a fireplace with tea

thinking and praying about who we’re meant to be

  but in the end, once you’re gone, they make it clear when you leave

you can’t have these things if you do not believe

  coffee on sunday’s not the same with atheist friends

you wonder why the bad things have to make the good things end

  these are things I miss, but they tell me I shouldn’t

try as I might, there are things that I couldn’t

  some sundays, when my hungover friends are sleeping

for hours my solitary tea stays steeping

  waiting–come on, it’s time!– for the congregation to come

but the congregation isn’t coming, those days are done

  sometimes I secretly wear a cross around my neck

a reminder of the times I’ve yet to forget

  but those times are over, all my memories must be packed

despite what I miss, I can never come back.

I miss

I miss when I was thought that there was hope to happiness. I miss when I was happy. I miss going to school and having fun with my friends. I miss having friends. I miss the innocence of love and the hope for it. I miss having crushes and the hope that they would like me. I miss when Noa would play piano for me and I would secretly crush on him. I miss when he would tell me secrets and I would tell him mine. I miss that relationship. I miss Clay and the short time I shared with him. I miss being young. I miss not caring about school because it was just about fun. I miss the past. I wish I was young again.

Potential locations for that thing that is missing

Down the back of the sofa, in the attic, behind the radiator, in your other trousers, should we get the cat x-rayed, it's stuck to the ceiling, under the sofa, was it real to start with or just a concept, did you eat it, did I eat it, left it at the shops, it's inside the big bag of other bags, disintegrated into dust, in the undergrowth, in the toilet, under your hat, it's where you left it, you'll find out when the postcard arrives, let's retrace our route, in the fruit bowl, where the ransom note says it is, try your coat pocket, behind the bookcase, in your suitcase, in the baby, stolen, sold it, you're holding it, in the freezer, behind the cheese, have you seen youtube it's now in Greece, look in the first place you looked again, have you tried phoning it, it's behind your ear.