It’s the day!
I had been planning and shopping for this day for quite some time. The outfit, the gift, the tickets, visualizing it, thinking up scenarios and possibilities, being prepared and shopping for such scenarios. Let’s just say it’s been on my mind XD
But first there was school today :|
I’ve never been to school in a dress before (well once to a Chistmas Gala in high school and I wore a skirt to a graduation, but other than that it’s always just been pants). Before going to school I used the opportunity while my mom was in the shower to prepare the last stuff and sneak it out to the car without anyone being able to ask me any questions about it.
Good thing we had class on the first floor only so I didn’t have to parade through the all glass halls and have people stare at me instead of my usual invisibility. I took my shortcut stairs and ended up right where I needed to be. After class there was a quick stop at the bathroom (hour drive ahead and all) and after getting back to the car and getting gas (just to be sure) I was just one little roadtrip (nbd) away!
Everything was going according plan (Emmen/Assen always difficult XD) until I was so close and they had to be working on the road and had set in a detour :/. Against my better judgment I followed it and so I was let into town from a completely different angle (Oh jeez). After a random left turn and a the undoubtedly following u-turn I saw the movie theater on my left (the one I was supposed to pass coming into town). Yayy! So I made a left at the first intersection and then a right to pick up my planned route of entering the town and arriving at the train station. When I got there to find myself a parking spot I saw you (!!!) were already waiting for me (I was still within the discussed time of noon (11:55AM) but you said you would be there at that time, and well, you were :)). I drove passed all the available parking spots but saw they were all taken already :(. After turning and driving my way back to you, you got in the car (I should have hugged you. I should have given you a hug. Damn) so we could find another spot to park the car (preferably free of charge). So we circled and drove around town trying to find that one free spot. And what do you know, we found one at last! XD
It felt really weird just to be walking passed shops in the middle of the centre and then to just be in the zoo… Like? What even??
But we handed over our tickets and went our way. After some earthy stuff we went to see the sharks. It was kinda dark tho, but not at all unpleasant ;) The butterfly garden was pretty and had a nice temperature and overall atmosphere. If only those dammed blue ones would sit still for a minute. Those little birdies we saw when we sat on that bench for a while tho :) and that guy who pointed out some stuff for us :)), and just you :))). And me and you :)))))
Where did we go after that? Gosh, I don’t even remember. But I think we covered the entire zoo. I especially liked the hippos because they were so active in front of us and the giraffes (tongue Deja-vu XD) oh and the little smelly cute (baby) monkeys. We also had a connection with the elephants tho (even when they were doing disgusting things XD) & I really wanted to give him that branch, but ugh park rules :/ Oooh and those little other indoor monkeys types. You know the ones who were just running around freely and were just in the trees right beside us. I liked them too.
Our ticket deal included fries and a snack but didn’t use them cuz well fries, so we had tea around 4PM for us both instead. As we sat down it gave us a chance to talk, relax and warm up a bit. It wasn’t awful weather. Kinda nice actually when the sun was around. About 17 degrees and most importantly dry. We talked about our families, nutrition, your cold :), etc. I wasn’t quite ready or willing to put end to this day with you yet. I had to suggest something so we could spend more time together. It was getting near 5 o’clock and the zoo was closing soon. It now came of use that the zoo was located right in the city centre. We could browse some through the stores before we would get a bite to eat. At least that way we could be together longer than those couple of hours at the zoo.
As we strolled through the main shopping street, browsing some shoe stores and looking up various items at toy and electronic stores (TV shows, movies, bags, shoes/boots) until there were no more interesting stores left and we went to find somewhere to eat. We decided on an Italian place. Because you like pizza and I like something pasta as well. As we got to Sardegna we sat at the corner and after we got something to drink (tea for you and ice tea for me) you ordered a pizza margeritha with union and I decided (after some deliberation) on a pizza Hawaii with mozzarella. Of course I couldn’t finish mine (freshly made is way different than the pizza’s you buy in the supermarket) so after you finished I still had a little less than half to go. As I had enough and we finished our drinks we stayed there for a long time I guess just talking about deep stuff actually. As we’ve been doing during dinner as well. I didn’t particularly mind the topics tho because that’s the important information you need to really get to know one another. I/we could have kept it lightly but would be both have benefit from it? I don’t quite know the answer, but I do appreciate we could talk about those things and confide in each other. I, at least, don’t have anyone I ever talk to about that stuff.
After paying the check we were on our way to the car and as we arrived I still didn’t want to part from you. I asked if you maybe wanted to go see a movie in the nearby movie theater. Using that in my journey coming into town as an orientation point, it had crossed my mind of extending our time together that way. You checked the schedule on your phone for availability and showing. Since it was half past seven and a lot of movies started 15 minutes ago the next viewing wouldn’t be until half past nine. You still had to be able to catch a bus home and you had class and tennis the next day. It would have been too late to go then. I would have loved seeing any movie with you, just sitting comfy, together and cozy :)) At the time I wanted to kick myself in the head tho for not checking the schedule beforehand so we could wrap dinner up earlier and maybe could have caught the earlier viewing. As we sat in the car I glanced over to the envelop which had been burning a hole in my bag the entire day tho. Damn. Instead of the movies I drove you to the train station so you could catch your bus back home… But before sending you off I got out of car with you and grabbed the card before walking over to you.
I don’t know what I was thinking, I mean I should have said some words before just giving you that. I should have eased you into it. Somehow kind of prepared you of what I was about to do. I - I just froze up, I guess, and just dumped that into your hand. I’m sorry about that, but just… ugh, I don’t know what I was thinking. But not giving it to you would have maybe left me more uncomfortable (highly doubt that).
I had thought of it, browsed the web for it, gone to several stores for it (twice), used school facilities for it, facilities in two different buildings, it was connected to your birthday and this day in particular. To leave it out… just… that would have been worse (maybe).
I am sorry for giving it to you under those circumstances, but I’m not sorry for expressing that.
And I don’t hold a grudge against you. It took some guts from your side as well. Although I understand, more or less, at least it’s out there and clear.
So I didn’t know what to do after I gave it to you and you read it actually. I asked to hug you, since I was a little thrown off and didn’t know if it would be okay (anymore).
And after a second and final hug our ways parted and minutes later I was on my way out of town. The right way this time and when I drove past the movie theater I thought what a great time we could have had there. I dorve on…and I felt something inside me. Don’t really know what it was, but it didn’t feel nice and it certainly wasn’t something I thought I would be feeling at that point.
Continuing my way to the high way I couldn’t shake that bummed feeling and just stared into the dark distance pinching my eyes ever so frequently when cars approached.
After some road works to the side of the roads at Zwolle and Hattem I was nearly home when I had to go on my own personal detour to avoid passing my old/grandfathers house. Still haven’t seen or been passed it since if I had any influence over it and I wasn’t about to start today.
When I came home my parents, and my mom some more, was hearing me out and I even corrected your name to her. LMAO. I think they’re suspecting something, but they aren’t asking questions as of yet.
When I went to bed a little later there were some unexplained tears a couple minutes before I fell asleep tho :/
It’s a couple of days after now, and idk… /something/ has changed… it feels sad. I shouldn’t have done it. I just… I should not have done that. Hope it’ll be temporary cuz I wouldn’t know how I could handle a fatal blow.