i got home today, took out my earbuds, and heard the sound of a cat mewing plaintively. it sounded very sad and very small. i looked out the window to see if someone was walking by with a cat carrier, but no dice! so i put my coat and shoes back on and went out to look for this poor, cold cat. i poked around in the bushes and looked at the trash on the sidewalk but! no cat!!
i went, reluctantly, back inside because i figured my couch is right in front of the window anyway. if the cat meowed again, i’d hear it. only i didn’t hear a cat next, i heard a duck. and then a horse. and then i realized that what i was hearing was auditory proof that the floors in my building are very thing because that was 100% a children’s toy the whole time.
today was a good day because someone sent us free samples of a homeopathic cat anxiety remedy, so I got to explain to three of my coworkers exactly what homeopathy is and watch the dawning confusion and horror on their faces as they said things like “surely that can’t be what homeopathy is”, which is one of my top ten hobbies on this earth
Went out shopping yesterday and pretty much raided a bunch of child-stores, cuz they got stocked up on Christmas collection… you know princess-like puffy skirts, glitter and stuff. I buy things for age 10-12 and the sales girl was all like trying to compliment me how good I look for a mother of 12 year old… till I went to try stuff on and she figured I was buying it for myself xD
You never too old for pink glittery skirts! Just saying!
My house is like freaking Santa’s workshop with all the glittery stuff, candy canes, Christmas sweaters and a whole bunch of stuff, cuz when I go shopping I just buy everything I like.
And I have a bottle of pink champagne to top it off. So definetly a wonderful way to start winter season!
About two weeks ago, I figured out that my seasonal depression is
actually a manifestation of my PTSD and it’s difficult to talk
There’s a few
moments that people can easily grasp. One example is when my mother
caught an ex-partner cheating on me on Christmas Eve. The next day, some of my immediate family shamed me for “ruining Christmas” by wanting
to mourn that relationship alone rather than celebrate with them.
People have no trouble understanding why that contributes to my
yearly slump, but other things are more difficult to explain, like
how a lifetime of exposure to someone else’s unmanaged depression
during my formative years impacted me into adulthood.
I’m going to be okay, though. Identifying the source of a problem is the very first
step to solving it… and even though I do feel bitter at times, I take comfort in knowing that I’m finally beginning to heal.
All the pictures of Christmas decorations on my dash making me wanna decorate my house ;____; But of course my grumpy old man here hates the idea cuz “What are we gonna do with all this junk?”, “We won’t even be here for the holidays”, “Hotel will be decorated anyway.”
I just wanna have something cute and adorable in my life. So tempted to go buy them anyway, cuz you know… fuck the police and all. I should probably go download holiday stuff for my game instead though, cuz I won’t hear the end of it if I actually put up real ones…
I just have this itch for something sweet and nice… everyone’s so serious or depressed or something else. Apparently a year ago I was comfortable with all the grumpy vibes, but lately I just want to see positive stuff in everything, cuz it’s crazy how many important things we overlook. Like go out, live the moment! Ignore the bad things, they’ll dissapear if you don’t put energy into them with your thoughts.
P.S. Totally gonna get grumpy man Christmas sweater. I already got one for my driver and he actually likes it and wears it. At least someone gets my spirit! I want to get pretty gifts for all our staff too.
it’s the 1920s. you’re at a prestigious party. you make eye contact with a pretty girl across the room, and she beckons for you to come dance with her. she’s bold. you’re bolder. soon, you’re sharing your first and final kiss. she will dissapear soon. you will never see her again.
transmasc tip: spend your new life searching for this woman. she will know you.
Just a couple day till we leave for vacation…
Strange feeling. It’s almost as if everything that happened during these three years was some kind of crazy bad dream and now when I’m finally back to my good old self I simply can’t understand it.
My “ex” stopped by to wish me and my man happy holidays. It was funny to see him now, when I know that he and my man are old friends and our entire “relationship” was yet another evil genius plan of my one and only staged from the very beginning. Sometimes I really wonder if anything in my life happens without his control and I honestly doubt it. Yet somehow it makes me adore him even more, though everything he does makes me adore him.
There’s a lot of mixed feelings in my heart right now. I’m excited and happy, but tired at the same time. I just can’t wait to finish this chapter of my life and forget it like a bad dream. I’m so ready to leave it all behind and go back to my good old dear life I tried to run from once upon time.
Live and learn as they say, live and learn…
Once upon a time, I enjoyed writing. It was actually my favorite hobby from middle school through high school and I fancied becoming a published author too. However, over the years, the talent I once had withered away as my depression and anxiety grew out of control – a fate most of my hobbies meet.
With another NaNoWriMo beginning today, my personal challenge is not to write an entire novel, meet a specific word count, or commit myself to even one vague story idea I’ve had for years. My challenge is to rediscover what it was that made writing fun in the past. I want to allow myself to write without berating myself for not being “as good” as I once was, to have fun for no other purpose than the enjoyment itself, and to reclaim another tiny part of myself that was lost to undiagnosed mental illness.
my current date-to-keep-living-for is the 16th, and its not anything fun, its just the doctor’s appointment where I’ll get a referral to make an appointment to talk to a psychiatrist again. then it will becomethat appointment.
I thought it might be a good thing to actually use tumblr as a proper blog for once and record my attempts at going to bar by myself to make new friends and/or be more social. Just in case anyone else is in a similar boat and wants to try it themselves. It’s a bit scary, that’s for sure!
My target bar is one I’ve never been to right next to where I work. It’s a “gaming pub” and I see a lot of people around my age going in there so I thought it would be a good place to try. Playing a game with strangers sounds like more fun than coming up with conversation on my own, and if this works out, maybe one day I’ll have more friends for game night!
Tonight I’ve decided to label this as “scouting.” Earlier, I was wanting to push it off when I was thinking of it as a mission to talk to people and make friends. It took a lot of pressure off by making the goal of the night to just check out the bar to see what it offers in drinks/activities, and what the patrons are like.
Only parameters I’m setting are to speak with the bartender and have one drink. As low pressure as it gets. It’s karaoke night but I’m not sure if I’ll be around for it.
Advice I’ve gotten is to go in confident and with positive thoughts. Sit at the bar at the center of it, if possible. It’s better to go when the bar is busier but I’m busy all weekend so I’ll save that for try 2. It’s also impossible to find parking late at night by my place so I’ll probably be too early for even the Wednesday night crowd– oh well! Some of the worst advice I got (read: most anxiety inducing advice) was to eavesdrop on people’s conversations and try to add something to it. I was told eavesdropping was rude as a child and I’ve never fully gotten over that, so I’m 100% not gonna be able to do something like that. I guess tonight’s just for me and the bartender. I don’t really have anything to bring (some sites recommended bringing a book or notepad/sketchbook) but I think it’ll be ok. I expect to be there for 45 minutes or so.
So I stayed for about 30 minutes-ish because the bar was pretty slow. To be expected on a Wednesday around 7pm. When I got there, there was only two people at the bar– a couple, and a few groups at tables; either deep into some card/dice game I do not understand or eating dinner. The couple at the bar left soon after my arrival. The bartender was very low-energy. I was more talkative than him which is saying A LOT. I ordered my drink and made it last as long as possible.
And overall I had a good time! I didn’t really talk with anyone but I did share looks with people and smile and laugh. There was a toddler and his father, who were trying to set up Mario Kart with the bartender and it was just so adorable and wholesome. I can tell it perked the bartender up because he started being a little more talkative when I was leaving.
So, while it wasn’t a big accomplishment towards making new friends, I did learn a lot more about the bar and how it works, so that when I come back it won’t be unfamiliar anymore. The drink was really good (though expensive!) and the drink choices where VERY expansive so I think this will definitely be my target bar for making friends. I’ll just come back when it’s busier on the weekend or during an event. It was something different and interesting to do than just stay at home and scroll through social media.
At worst, going to a bar alone is people watching, which can be quite entertaining. After a while, I stopped feeling weird about being there alone. Simply: it’s not a big deal at all. After you’ve gotten past the weird feeling, maybe by putting a few drinks in you, I’m sure talking to be would an easy next step– one I will try next time I go!
The scouting mission was a huge success. Would recommend to anyone looking to escape boredom, or for someone who wants to try out a new place but has no one to go with.
dreamt that the fellowship gained two additional members, like some bad lord of the rings fanfiction, only it was worse because it was two dudes whose primary skills were throwing metal hoops of increasing weight at cows like an awful game of horse-shoes
grandfather is in the hospital after a fall at home, but he didn’t break anything (1. amazing and 2. good news, as the man is 89 years old) and he’ll be going home either today or tomorrow
gave my grandmother a call to make sure she’s doing alright, and we both had a very cathartic cry-chat about depression and how hard it makes it for us to communicate and perform even basic functions sometimes and both ended up in a much better mood overall
• was supposed to go to the arboretum with my dad this weekend but I’ve been sick since LAST TUESDAY
• instead he showed up at my apartment on Saturday with a gallon of soup that my mom made. a literal gallon
• just carried a gallon of soup into work with me yesterday night, nbd
• purchased a set of four bullet journals on a whim because of a sudden desire to start a bullet journal, because I need to write every day and nothing creative is coming out and sometimes I just get sick about writing about my day or my feelings, so let’s just bullet journal I guess?
• really really hoping I’m feeling better in time for my nephew’s 5th birthday party at the zoo this weekend, because I will BE THERE but I don’t want to deal with a herd of 5-year-olds and an infection at the same time
• a picture of a gallon of soup in my workplace break room–while informative–is not very visually appealing, so here’s a picture of the Phoenix Mystery Castle from back in November to wrap things up
- I’ve got peaches in the oven and Greek yoghurt in the fridge and overpriced honey on the shelf
- absolutely skin-shudderingly panicky today about the thought of having to confront both my PhD and my brain and actually get some shit done, with a good dose of self-berating because we SOLVED this one, brain, we worked out tactics to minimise this one and worked off our own bat and enjoyed it!
- really I have very little desire to use tumblr any more. Photos on Instagram, stream-of-consciousness on (locked) Twitter, longform diarying in an actual paper diary. Mutuals, I miss you: do let me know if you’re on Twitter or Instagram or both.
- when I go to green man later this month I’m taking: the latest LRB, ‘Shaler’s Fish’, 'Graceling’, 'The Professor & The Siren’. You should talk to me about those, or about other things I’ve read recently: lots of Marilyn Hacker, 'The Living Mountain’, 'After Me Comes The Flood’, 'Eileen’, 'The Lie Tree’, 'Fen’, 'Boneland’, that Heaney Aeneid VI, Kathleen Jamie, Medbh McGuckian…
- I’ve got that weird bone-piercing loneliness going on, the sort that creeps up on you in the middle of a busy schedule of social engagements and rich&intimate friendships and more treasured acquaintances than you can keep track of. I miss living near my very closest friends.
I’ve been diagnosed with this dumb disease for about 72 hours and I’m already tired of the arduous task of keeping my diabetic ass alive.
Not in a suicidal sort of way, in a resentful, aggravated sort of way.
I know it’ll get better as time goes on and I get used to it, but right now I’m overwhelmed, stressed, and paranoid about every signal that my body gives me. Twinges and aches that I would barely notice before seem like signs of incipient failure. Every headache seems like a harbinger of my body shutting down.
Also, I can’t have all of the candy that I like anymore. :(
Anyway, I know it could be worse (At least I caught it early, at least I’m not blind, at least my toes aren’t falling off, etc, etc) but this isn’t the “time of great change and progress” that I was trying to effect this time of my life. Or even this year.
And my computer’s trundling towards its inevitable end. I have the parts picked out for my new rig (first time building my own, woo!) but for some reason I now have a number of new and chronic expenses to deal with so I’m waiting for black friday. Hopefully I can keep this sucker limping along til then.
Aaaanyway, at least I got Zubmariner. So I can go insane and eat my crew, but underwater. I wonder what the carb content of a human body is?
Today I had juuuust enough energy to come home, do some stretches, graze on snacks in the fridge for dinner, and take a shower, with lots of lying on the floor and trying to work up some energy in between.
My to-do list for the rest of the week consists of…
finish the sink full of kind-of-but-not-quite-clean dishes
general tidying/putting things back
bring new Rx’s to the pharmacy and tell them which ones to cancel
now I just gotta remember to pick them up tomorrow :o
make an appointment for a CT scan
called and found out that I CAN’T DO THAT UNTIL I FAX THEM THE ORDER FOR THE SCAN, GDI so, uh, do that and THEN make the appointment
hopefully HAVE said CT scan
keep my therapist appointment on Thursday (I skipped my last one because I felt inexplicably awful, and then that weekend I had a panic attack one day followed by a deep depressive episode starting the next)
bring my car in for its oil/filter change and see if they can find the source of the Weird New Sounds
I keep seeing all these posts for the Good Omens show and I’m like oh no spoilers and then I’m immediately like I read the book I literally cannot be spoiled unless they absolutely fucked the show up which I heard they did not so
My coworker got a new job in a different state and took a non-traditional approach to moving. First, she sold her house and everything in it. Using the money from the sale she bought an RV, packed up her dog and 3 cats, drove for 3 days straight by herself, and settled into an RV park in the new state. She didn’t even bother looking for a place to buy or rent, she’s just living full-time out of the RV. I admire her bravery.
This is the RV she bought. I had no idea modern RVs were so fancy!
Heyo! I just wanted to let people know I’m moving to Japan today, and for the first few days at least I won’t have any internet access 🙂. So in case you wonder why I stopped updating all of a sudden, I’m not dead. (unless my plane gets shot down of course)
I slept well last night and had so much energy and motivation this whole day through
so now I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop because this never happens and when it does it never lasts for more than a day how’s this gonna get fucked I ask future Z, who will perhaps kindly reblog with the answer
really over this WEEK, really over darling 6 month old pups having to be euthanized for congenital liver defects, really over patients we thought were stable going to the ER in the middle of the night seizing and finding the notification of death in my work e-mail the next morning, just…over it.
Whiplash flashbacks of my superwholock days are always a ride but last weekend I had to deal with helping a work colleague deal with satnav errors while simultaneously being thrown through a loop as I realised I recognised the road we were on from attending a supernatural convention, and that was A Time