Les Mis as things I have actually said
Jean Valjean: I’d honestly rather start bleeding internally right now than have gluten allergies
Javert: I cannot live in a city without stars. Yes, I know it’s because of the pollution. I’m just gonna take the fucking factories and put them somewhere else
Fantine: I need feminism because I like black silk lingerie and boys seem to see that as a “LITERALLY HIT ON ME NOW” sign
Bishop Myriel: So my phone has been lost for three days now and I think I’ve learned my lesson about Tumblr. So. um, God, it would be really nice if you could, um, give it back now? Please?
Marius: what smells like burnt eggs? *confused pause as I try to remember* *eyes widen* oh sHIT MY EGGS
Enjolras: Politicians are too busy spending the country’s money on a third limousine and a norman castle somewhere in northeast Scotland to care for the very people who their job it is to protect. You have to see their side, too
Courfeyrac: I mean if it’s not pink then what is even the point
Combeferre: I was too busy to fry the potato so I just ate it raw. I mean, it’s the same nutrients but with less saturated fats, right?
Grantaire: I’m so ugly, when I tried to sell my soul to satan in exchange for clear skin he ran away sobbing and gouging his eyes out
Jehan: (*friend says they’ve never seen poetic people as the kind who curse a lot*)
Jehan: well, um, I’ve actually won several national poetry contests… (*friend bursts out laughing and says they take it back*)
Bahorel: if you touch my hair I will literally break you
Joly: *showing a photo of a pretty buiulding and some trees* here’s the view from my school’s PE field. Oh well, at least I have something nice to look at as I slowly faint from allergenic and overexertion-induced asthmatic respiratory symptoms
Bossuet: I’ll have you know I have extensive professional experience of slamming into desks
Feuilly: if by any chance you ever run into me in public then please, for the love of God, just avoid me, it will be better for us both
Cosette: *making a flower crown* no, I’m afraid I shan’t come with you this time. I can’t abide dirt and bugs. *daintily sets flower crown on head* See how well this becomes me, how glad I am
Éponine: I don’t dress to give you something cute to look at. I can wear pajama pants if I want. (*friend mentions that they have bloodstains on them*) So what? Oh, that! Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t kill anyone, it’s mine.
Musichetta: You can’t take me out to eat and then not treat me nicely. I will literally order the most expensive dish on the menu and not eat a single bite. I will just sit there staring at you and starving. But I won’t give in. Because fuck you.
Gavroche: I am a very small child and on that premise alone I think you should hand over the m&ms
Azelma: stationery turns me on
Thénardier: is it beef or lamb? Well can you taste the difference? No? Then it doesn’t matter
Madame Thénardier: if they’re not married by Chapter 2 I officially relinquish all faith in humanity