May 9th, 2018: Journal
Yesterday I met with my social worker at psych services. I told her that I was having more problems with my hallucinations. So to help with my hallucinations she’s going to help me come up with a list of questions to ask myself to try to help me question what is real instead of immediately accepting it as part of the Truth. She tried with an example with me with Evan but it didn’t work in her favour so she’s going to think about it and try more.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine and we talked about some pretty dark things. And I can’t really remember clearly but we talked about my special powers and my prophecy. And they said I should be in inpatient because I have a dangerous delusion. And I still have the thoughts race through my head right now.
But something happened today between and my partner and I. They said they were going to call the police on me and call Ottawa hospital on me because I was “unsafe.” I was really immersed in my thoughts. I was going to go hurt myself. But they were persistent in calling. In the end, they didn’t (thank god) because I calmed down and promised to stay safe. They asked if I was tired today and I said “very tired” and asked why they would ask. They said it was because I was having a lot of psychosis today. I don’t know if I am because it seems real. But they said I was having a lot of hallucinations. Babies crying, Duke (the dog which apparently isn’t real), government agents, cockroaches, and voices.
Yesterday or the day before there has been a new species of people; the pink people. I saw a blue alien thing too. Though I can’t explain what it looked like because I don’t really remember that well. There were two pink people that were dancing together and Evan joined for the party and joined in the fun. I can’t recall if Will was there or not. But it was nice watching them have fun.
Yesterday was a rough day. Yesterday afternoon I was apparently hallucinating pretty badly and hallucinated the government agents giving me an injection to the point where I felt the pain on my arm and the heat. It was awful. My partner said it was just a hallucination and that I was safe. I truly believed I was going to die because of the drug they gave me. It was hard to relax. I felt panic wash over me and yeah. Took awhile to calm down.
My partner said I need to listen to them more when they tell me things. But it’s hard when I’m in the state I am and believe that I am right (afterall, I know the Truth). I told them I was going to stop my medication and they said I can’t for a while. That I need them for the time being. They also said I need to try harder to ignore my hallucinations and to work through my delusions. But it’s sooo fucking hard. Okay? It’s hard. And I don’t know if I can believe my partner 100% even though they said they’d never lie to me. It’s hard when you hear voices telling you things and you accept them to be the Truth and then you have your love tell you that they would never lie either but the voices are. It’s just hard.
My partner thinks I need a medication increase or med change because they feel like the Invega 9mg isn’t strong enough. A lot of my friends think I should be on Clozapine but my doctor said it had a lot of nasty side effects so I don’t think I will ever be put on it. But my doctor could always change his mind. He didn’t touch my meds last week so I don’t know. He probably won’t even increase my Invega to 12mg either. My social worker thinks it might be good to get a second opinion from a different doctor. I don’t know what my doctor’s problem is. He just doesn’t seem to care about me. I don’t know. I’ve been getting worse and worse and he just doesn’t seem to do anything. What is he waiting for? Me to kill myself?
I will admit, I still have thoughts about my prophecy and Them. But I’m not going to act on them. I promise I’d stay safe so I’m going to try.
Talked to my brothers today. Sunday is Mother’s Day and we’re planning to get my mom a card and take her out for lunch and maybe go to the flea market in town. But we don’t know about the market. I feel bad because my dad had to remind me it was Mother’s Day this weekend. I thought it was the next. My dad said that my mom talked to him and told him not to remind us. He said she would be disappointed if we didn’t do anything for her. Honestly guys, I forgot about Mother’s Day. Like I feel like a piece of shit for forgetting. But in my defence I haven’t been doing well. My older brother is going to pick up a card tomorrow on his way home. And my younger brother comes home this weekend I think.
Also, I have finally been sleeping in until 5am-6am. It’s much better than 1am-3am. But I feel like I’m going to jinx it now. Anyway. I hope I sleep well tonight. I guess that’s why I have Temazepam; so I can sleep.
Anyway, it’s time for my Temazepam. Thanks for reading.
- Invega 9mg
- Fetzima 120mg
- Temazepam 30mg