Ever since I was younger I dreamt to travel,I dreamt of being
happy,having my own life and doing something I enjoy. In mid high school
I think about college,I do research of different types of fields and
what they’re all about. I noticed I always go back to the social
sciences. Learning more about it I come to find Psychology as being a
very interesting subject and something I love to study and do as a
career. I wanna help people,I viewed the world filled with broken souls.
With majoring in Psychology I had a hope of eventually having an office
at a mental institute or something and have patients. I go through much
hardwork and tears to make the first step of doing this real. Prior to
college I recently get out of a long term toxic relationship which was just
bad and left me emotionally broken,people looked down upon me and told me I
couldn’t mount to anything. I had disputes with my mom,home wasn’t a
nice place to be,I wanted to get out.I get accepted at the college I
wanted to attend,I go. First semester was something new considering it
was a first for me being away from home,I met someone,he eventually
becomes my boyfriend but it didn’t end well. He ended up being a smart
ass dick and was extremely clingy. After that I was like whatever.I end
the semester fine,despite failing one math class. Second semester comes
around,so far so good. I meet some people,have a good time. I felt pretty fine,I stopped taking meds cuz i thought it was unnecessary. Wrong,depression came back and hit me hard,I get beyond stressed,multiple emotional breakdowns,anxiety being out of my control. I have a math class that factors in whether I stay at this school or not,I try so hard and nothing. I get discouraged more,I fail a test so I’m like okay it’s fine,I still have my midterm. I fail that too,of course not purposely. I look at myself and see no matter how much effort,I fail. I grew up with disadvantages when it came to learning. My speech was delayed,I couldn’t speak for awhile till years of speech classes. I’m in special ed classes for some years,i eventually get out and I end up being up to par with my language skills with the kids my age. In high school,i take ap classes.It was a struggle but I always did what to do to get through it and hopefully passing. I was involved,in two varsity sports for three years. I worked hard,I wanted to go to college. Now I’m in my second semester,with depression hitting and previous fails in my class discouraging me bad,I think and think. I gradually do shaky in my other classes,I feel like I’m in a big hole I can’t get out of. I felt stupid,my math class dragged me down. I go to tutoring to get help and everything and nothing. I start seriously thinking about transferring to the community college back at home,which was the last thing I could have ever wanted. I feel like I’m drowning,no one understands how much me attending this school means to me and I’m gonna get kicked out cuz realistically thinking,I know I do not have the ability to pass my math class. I feel stupid,worthless,i feel like coming here was a big mistake. I slowly give up on everything,things are not right. I call to make an appointment with counseling services to see if i can get referred to receive help and take medication.
I need help,guidance,this breaks my heart,I started cutting again when I was clean for two years before that,I pick up on my cigarette habit that I quit for several months. I feel like I’m falling,I feel so small,alone,not good enough. I don’t see my worth. This just makes many things in my life hell, I haven’t had a proper meal in so long.I wanna give up,I wanna run away..
my hopes and dreams is just dream that I for some reason thought I could accomplish,dreams are dead. This world is cruel,I just wanna be a lone,I actually don’t wanna live on and that’s really tough.